Poison
by Mr. Havik
Summary: The Shinigami Captains are on a ten day vacation to the living world. Forced along the trip, Mayuri Kurotsuchi must now combat the only true poison he was never able to find a counter for - FRIENDSHIP!
1. The Good sort of News

Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, I'd have Mayuri kill Aizen. Or Mayuri replace Aizen as the main villain... whichever way works best...

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_**Poison**_

_**By Mr. Havik**_

Chapter One – The Good (sort of) News

Slow.

If Yon Ban Taicho had one word to describe her life now, she would use 'slow'.

No one could have ever imagined how boring peace could be. At least, back when Aizen was still alive and messing with the balance of the worlds, the Shinigami of the Seireitei had something to put their efforts in. The kind of effort varied with every different person. For Unohana, it was working to save lives. Of course she hoped that no one should ever be so ill fated to find themselves lying in a hospital bed, but now a days, she was ashamed of herself to think otherwise, now that almost no one walked in through the doors of the Fourth's infirmary. Ever since the winter wars had come to pass, with victory to the Soul Society and the earth boy, Kurosaki, life had become boring. And that especially applied to the Captains of the Thirteen Court Guards.

She wasn't solely considering herself to be affected by such boredom. Just a few days ago, at the Captain's meeting, Kenpachi had fallen asleep while standing. No one had noticed him doing so until Juu Ban Taicho, Hitsugaya, had yelped loudly midway into the meeting, and began picking at his drool covered hair.

They should have laughed at the very least. If not, then smile at themselves. But no one was the least bit interested in the scene. Even Yamamoto-san, who wouldn't have tolerated such a thing, gave the bewildered and awake Kenpachi a look full of confusion and a strange pity.

Shunsui, though, decided to keep the moment alive, by saying "Lawl," loudly. Unohana presumed he was drunk again.

Life and its pathetic drag suggested a vacation, something which her Lieutenant had discussed with her after she had arrived back at the barracks from her Shinigami Women's Association meetings.

"Matsumoto-san says a trip to the beach again," Isane had said. "We're thinking of writing a permission letter to the Captain Commander."

"Oh, I don't think I can," Unohana had said when she was offered to go with them. "I don't think it'll be fair to the other Captains..."

After that, the conversation was never brought up again.

Fair or not, Unohana should have taken up the offer, because she was definitely feeling the burden of boredom weighing down on her. The Women's Association, though, still had not drawn up their letter because of the President's decision to remain with Kenpachi. And the word of the President was law.

"Kenny isn't feeling good!" the toddler had said. "I gotta make him feel better!"

"Probably a bad stomach..." Matsumoto rolled her eyes, still disappointed that the plan wasn't going to take place after all.

"No, I checked!" Yachiru exclaimed. She hadn't said anything after that, so the interpretations were left open.

Unohana's entire life was devoted to saving other people's lives. And this time as well, she had taken up the duty of rescuing her comrades' sanity before it all broke down. To do that, she had requested a special meeting alone with the Commander. The concept was simple enough: ask for a vacation. She hadn't expected Yamamoto-san to accept the offer so quickly.

"It is good you came to me to ask for this..." he told her, placing his elbows on the table and massaging his temples. "At least now I know that the cause of such horrible behaviour is stress."

"What did you think it was before?"

"Booze..."

This meeting, she knew, was going to enliven everybody's spirits. The old man had promised of a special meeting two weeks after the proposal, and so she was exceptionally excited about it. As she stood in row with the rest of the Captains, Yamamoto Ginreisai Shikeguni had arrived with Lieutenant Sasakibe following closely behind, with a small clip-board held against his chest. Taking up his position in front of the loyal Shinigami of the Thirteen Court Guard Captains, his eyes fell over each and everyone of them. He gazed over to Unohana, a glint of appreciation shining in his olden eyes.

"Over the years I have come to note peculiar disturbances in your behaviours-" he had only begun but was cut short.

"Ha!" slurred Shunsui's as he leaned forward and pointed a shaking finger at Kurotsuchi, who covered his face in annoyance. Yamomoto had done the same.

"Picking up where I left off," the old man cleared his throat. "I realize that all of you need to be relieved of your stresses. As per the helpful suggestion of Yon Ban Taicho, Retsu Unohana, I have decided on a holiday for all of you."

At the interval in his speech, Sasakibe stepped down from the pedestal and handed the clipboard to Captain Ukitake. The sickly Shinigami stared on at the thing, clueless. A piece of paper was clipped on to it with the words "In favour" and "Against" written side by side on the top. The rest was left blank.

"Provide me with your signatures, whether you agree with this proposal or not. If so you do agree to it, preparations will be made shortly," the Commander announced as the petition went by every Captain.

"And will you be joining us?" questioned Ukitake, referring to the old man.

"_If_... we go at all," Kurotsuchi added. He had signed under "Against".

Yamamoto chose to ignore his remark. If he could, he would never allow Juuni Ban Taicho to have the even the least bit of fun.

"Not I. Much too many things on my hands," he replied, as he took hold of the petition Sasakibe handed him back. Viewing the signatures, he looked up at his subordinates. Unohana caught a flash of happiness on his stern face. She instantly knew what the results were. A smile graced her lips.

"Captain's of the Tenth and Twelfth have voiced their dislike against the plan. The rest have agreed with it. By the vote of the majority of the Captains here, a holiday will be provided to you. I will issue details in the next meeting. Until then, with the exception of Captain Komamura, Captain Kurotsuchi and Captain Ukitake, you are all dismissed."

The unnamed Captains took their leave, with the others left behind in the hall. Almost everyone, but Hitsugaya, was excited about the whole thing. But Unohana, though partially pleased, was all too worried why the Commander had asked for Kurotsuchi to stay behind. If he would do anything to ruin their plans, she would personally dig his grave for him. The doors closed behind her, leaving her uncertain and wary.

Back inside though, everyone was tense in their own ways. The Commander first addressed Ukitake.

"Are you sure?" he had asked. "What if your condition may get worse?"

The TB affected Captain was somewhat expecting that his sickness would be the reason why the Commander would hold him back.

"Its been the same as always. If not there, then I can get worse any time when I'm at my barracks." he had replied. The old man did not look too convinced.

"Unohana-san will be there with me..." he added, looking very hopeful, using his signature 'puppy dog face' – aptly named by Kyoraku – to try and win him over.

The Commander General looked slightly worried still, but managed to give in to his pleading eyes.

"Captain Kurotsuchi, you are required to construct nine gigai for everyone..." Yamamoto directed the order to the Twelfth Captain.

Ukitake was happy.

But Mayuri wasn't.

Mayuri, ever since the end of the wars with Aizen, was happier than he could be. Not because of the peace that now reigned supreme in the worlds, but because he was now exempted from his duties to participate in any struggle and had now all the time to direct his interests to his work in the scientific bureau. Of all the Captains, he was the only one who actually enjoyed the stillness of life and had been doing so, until Yamamoto had given this piece of news. Nonetheless, he could breathe a sigh of relief when he had been given a choice to go or not. So, as soon as the paper had been handed to him, he had immediately given his view under the "Against" caption. He was satisfied now that he would be allowed to remain within his precious department.

Until the old man had told him to build nine faux bodies. Nine? What for? He and that brat from the Tenth had said 'no'.

"What?" he demanded, unsure what he heard was right.

Yamamoto looked on at him, slightly surprised. "Nine gigai..." he repeated for him.

"Nine?"

The old man noticed a slight difficulty in him to comprehend his request.

"Is there a problem, Captain?" he demanded.

"Its just..." the scientist rambled. "Why nine?"

"So that everyone can go to the-"

"No," Kurotsuchi promptly cut in between. "I meant, why _nine_?"

Yamamoto's eyebrows arched up mischeiviously, a gesture which all three of the Shinigami had noticed.

"Because all of you are going," he sounded as if he asked more of a question than he gave a reply. The answer was not well received by any of the three. As much as Jushiro and Sajin wanted to go, they'd have preferred their vacation without the presence of the Twelfth Captain. In fact, no one preferred him to come along. As was with Mayuri, he had no intention of leaving his bureau for such a trivial thing as a holiday, and that with his colleagues; that made it even worse.

"But I thought I had-" Mayuri had only managed to begun after moments of awkward silence, but was immediately cut short by the old man.

"I am only trying to be as reasonable as possible," the Commander offered. "What are you and Captain Hitsugaya going to do while the rest are away?"

"Uh, _work_?" Kurotsuchi emphasized the word "work" to make his point sound obvious. But he didn't manage to revoke the old man's decision. Instead, the Commander gave a (seemingly) hearty smile to him. Yamamoto was still too intent on giving the man the worst kind of torture he could possibly give without letting it be illegal.

And what was it of all things that Mayuri hated the most?

Onions.

And socializing. This could very well be the scientist's worst nightmare.

That and onions.

"Are you sure? Since part of the vacation budget will be made from two-fifths of the funding for the research and development department," he said, feeling a warmth inside when he noticed the devastated look on Kurotsuchi's face. "It will be a terrible thing to let it go to waste if you did not go..."

Mayuri was left speechless, unable to grasp how the old fart could have done such a thing. Did he even have a say in this? No. No he didn't.

Suppressing his outrage with all the energy in his body, he tried his best not to scream in defiance. Though he managed to succeed in keeping his tongue controlled, he couldn't do so with his spiritual strength, which poured out uncontrollably, weighing down on the other three who released some of their own to counter it.

"Can I... leave?" he forced the words through clenched teeth.

"You may," the Captain Commander pardoned. The Twelfth Captain turned curtly on his heels and headed out the exit, screaming an insult at the sky once the doors closed behind him.

Yamamoto would have snickered if his other two subordinates weren't present there. Forcing himself not to smile, he turned towards Komamura, who had been waiting patiently for his turn.

"I wanted to know about what will be your choice for a gigai," he directed towards the anthropomorphic creature.

"Is that really why you kept me back all this time?" the animal demanded, somewhat disappointed.

"Yes. Just curious..." came the reply.

Komamura sighed.

* * *

Outside the First Division's barracks, the remaining Captains all stood about, scattered along the gate to the building, waiting for the others to return. Not Kurotsuchi though. No one preferred he even come out for the rest of their lives. Those who's return was anxiously waited for were Jushiro and Sajin, mainly because they were curious what the old man had told the two.

Fifteen minutes after they had left the barracks, they had heard some very colourful shouts behind the gate and then, a moment later, they all saw a figure leap into the sky and disappear with shunpo. Captain Kuchiki had said it was Kurotsuchi when Toshiro demanded who. But no one would have to wonder why the Twelfth Captain was caught in such a bad mood. Mainly because he was not happy with whatever happened in the First's quarters. An angry Kurotsuchi meant good for the rest.

Well sort of...

Sajin and Ukitake had walked out the gates shortly after Mayuri's exit, wearing a mix of expressions on their faces. It was more noticeable on the Thirteenth Captain's face though.

"So, what'd he tell you?" Shunsui asked, walking up right next to his old comrade.

"Nothing much," the white-haired Shinigami wheezed. "He was a little unsure about me..."

"But we're all going, right?" demanded Zaraki in his loud voice.

"Yeah, about that..." Sajin began, sounding unsure. Everyone, except Jushiro and Toshiro, looked at him pleadingly, hoping that he would not tell them some bad news about the vacation. "Everyone's going," he said. The Shinigami sighed in relief.

"That's not bad," the Eighth Captain declared.

"He means," Jushiro explained. "_Everyone_ is going."

The Captains fell into silence. A strange awkwardness setted in between the group, not ready to accept they were going to spend the holiday with the freak from the Twelfth. Toshiro had been exceptionally hit hard with the news, after all, he chose not to go.

"Yeah, so?" Kenpachi broke the silence, completely oblivious to the situation.

Soi Fon face-palmed.

* * *

"A vacation?" whispered Rin to Akon, who sat hunched over the control panel, desperately trying to look busy and shake the little boy off. Unfortunately, the researcher's questions would not stop and it was increasingly becoming annoying to continue with his work and settle to listening to Rin the entire time.

"You're going to get me killed..." the third seat muttered, sitting erect and looking around and over his shoulder for any signs of his Captain.

"Yeah, a vacation," he whispered back harshly. Akon picked up a tool and connected it to the control unit.

"Then why's he angry?" Rin pestered. The older Shinigami slammed the instrument down on the panel, nearly breaking both things, and glared at the small boy.

"Because they blew our budget on the thing," he replied curtly.

"Why he's working on the faux bodies then?"

"Because he was told to! Anything else you'd like to ask, ask me now!" he yelled.

"Do you mind?" came another voice, not that of Rin. The two males turned their heads over their shoulders to see their Captain standing at the end of the dark room, a menacing aura about him. He looked pissed. More pissed than he normally would be.

"Yes, Captain..." Akon managed to say without stammering. He stood up and followed the man into the other room when he motioned him to come.

Rin's eyebrows arched upwards in amazement at how Akon didn't stutter in the presence of the Captain. Too bad his bravery would all go to waste when he'd be stuffed into labelled jars. He shrugged and went back to work, wondering whether the new third seat would be him or Hiyosu.

* * *

A/N: Okay, there maybe some mistakes with Yamamoto's name and his Lieutenant's. I wrote the whole thing without any research. Same for the green toad-thingy from the Twelfth. I guess his name was Hiyosu. I'll check some other day and update it, too tired to do it right now :(

I shall surrender to will of Grammar Nazis.

**Constructive criticism will be appreciated**


	2. Warm Welcomes

A short haiku:

Without a disclaimer he wrote;

And was accused of a crime, petty;

Bleach he did not own.

The Laws did not listen;

For the disclaimer he did not write;

Caged he was, woeful boy.

* * *

Chapter Two: Warm Welcomes

Horrifying. Exceptionally horrifying.

The very feeling of venturing back into the primitive Living World, and that with his greatest enemies, for ten god-damned days was mind numbing. Mayuri never imagined that he could feel this way. Ever since the meeting that revealed this news to him nearly a week ago, till the very moment he woke up this morning, he never imagined that he'd be so truly frightened like this. He knew the entire trip was going to be terrible and had mentally prepared himself for everything life may throw at him during the given ten days in the Living World, but when his eyes first set upon the Senkai Gate, everything that he had built up to make him stronger suddenly crashed.

Mayuri didn't know who he was any more. All he was aware of that moment was the that he was scared. He did not want to be terrified and wished if there was a way to just escape from it all. At first he had hoped it wasn't real. Maybe he was dreaming after all those hours of sleep he had deprived of himself of when he worked on the gigai. Maybe it was all going to pass as soon as he would awaken.

But he knew better not to give himself any false hopes. This was too real to be a dream. And even if it was, he could not let go of the fact that he _had_ built nine gigai.

Mayuri thought if he could run. Run away from everything as fast as possible, as far away as the eye could see. Perhaps he could take refuge in Hueco Mundo? Right now, that desert felt more like heaven than here.

Forcing his body conscious, he turned on his heels and threw all life he could into his legs. But he never moved from the spot as the beast from the Eleventh caught his collar and held him in place.

"Who're you?" queried Shunsui once he arrived, looking curiously at his face.

"He got me too before," Kenpachi smirked, releasing his hold on the Twelfth Captain once he calmed down.

"Kurotsuchi Mayuri," the scientist snapped, evening out his ruffled clothes. All those who had arrived were wearing earth clothes, courtesy of Rangiku who had provided them with valued information on the present fashions of the Living World.

"Nice choice with your gigai!" the Eighth Captain exclaimed, beating on his back, trying to make it look like a friendly pat. "You might've scared the girls with your face..."

Kurotsuchi decided not to tell him that this was what his face would have looked like if he had walked out in public without his paint.

The Twelfth Captain hoped that the remaining three people did not arrive and the whole vacation would have to be cancelled. He was betting on a very slim chance, but throughout his life, Mayuri had always worked with chances and made them into possibilities. He wished that like all the other times before, his bet would hit the target. But even he should have known that the perfection did not exist in any case, and that rule also applied to taking chances. He was disappointed to see Ukitake and Unohana, followed by the Kotetsu sisters carrying their luggage, in the distance, walking towards the group.

He sighed inwardly. The only one left now was Hitsugaya.

* * *

"I feel it..."

"Hm?"

"Something's wrong..."

"What do you mean, Ishida-kun?"

Four years had passed since peace was brought to the Soul Society and the Living World, yet Uryu Ishida could never let himself ease up. It had took Orihime forever to convince the Quincy to go out for some ice-cream with the group, mainly because he kept insisting on remaining a bitter enemy of Soul Reapers, here the accused being Ichigo, and would never join him. But Kurosaki-kun never paid any heed to the rivalry, and even in his presence, treated Uryu like he always had. After days of contant pestering, Ishida had agreed to an ice-cream party, but even when they all had gotten together for some fun, both had been too serious to enjoy anything that night.

"Its not a Hollow or anything..." Ichigo muttered to himself, but loud enough to let the Quincy catch his voice.

"Neither Shinigami..." Ishida had added. "Its too faint to actually tell..."

Orihime was annoyed how the two were ruining the day for her. Chado kept quiet almost all the time and no matter how much she tried to engage him in a conversation, she could just not bring him to talk enough. Tatsuki-chan though kept her company, but what Inoue really preferred this evening was that everyone have fun. And Ichigo and Uryu were really killing the mood.

She sighed, wishing that Rukia-chan was here. When she was around, Ichigo would always be kept occupied in an argument with her, and Uryu would prefer talking to someone else when Ichigo was not going to talk back.

"Let it drop you two, you're getting worked up for no reason!" cried Orihime, spewing ice-cream in the air. "There's no trouble for you to get stuck in any more, everything's fine now. What _could_ happen anyway? I mean, the worst is already over!"

"That's where you're wrong, Inoue-chan," Uryu said. "If things can go wrong, they will..."

"And if things can get worse, they will..." added the substitute Shinigami.

* * *

"Why so?" the old man questioned.

Hitsugaya had, the entire day, done nothing but complain about the holiday. Young as he was in age to most Shinigami, the Tenth Division Captain was too serious for his own good. His Lieutenant was always desperately trying to give the boy a childhood which he preferred not to enjoy. It worried her deeply, because if his attitude continued like this, then years later, when he'd be an adult and working behind a fortress of paper, drowning in his miseries, he wouldn't have to curse himself to never have taken advantage of his youth and played. Rangiku had confronted the Head Captain about this, and expressed her concerns to him.

"When he hits puberty, I don't want him to turn out like Mayuri," she pouted, her hands on her hips.

Yamamoto had assured her that Hitsugaya will enjoy his trip as much as possible.

The young Captain, though, had the same attitude towards the holiday as Mayuri, and what Matsumoto had said to him the other day, Yamamoto feared it may come true. He could be looking at Kurotsuchi's evolution in the form of Hitsugaya, and the old man was not prepared to allow such a thing to happen.

"I mean no offense, Head Captain, but a holiday is merely a waste of time," Toshiro had answered.

"I understand that, Captain Hitsugaya, but it is better to have fresh minds working for the Soul Society than sluggish ones..." he argued, using a soft tone. "It is not a waste of time, but a valued addition to your duties..."

The boy had not given him a reply after that, knowing the pointlessness to engage in a debate with the wise Commander. Instead, he simply sighed in defeat and continued with his walk towards the group of Captains that appeared into view in the dark of the night, all gathered around the Senkai Gate.

"Captain Hitsugaya, I request that you do something for me..." Yamamoto began. The silver-haired Shinigami looked up in curiosity at the Head Captain's aged face.

The Captain Commander reached into his coat and pulled out a device.

"I had the Publications Department provide me with one," he told the young Shinigami, handing the machine to him. Toshiro took it without a word, looking rather puzzled. He examined the thing, finding it to be a video camera. What would the Commander want with a vacation film, if that was what he gave him the device for?

"Record anything of interest to you," he said, pulling his haori back over his shoulder as it began to slip. "Present it to me as a report of the happenings during your vacation..."

"But why, Captain?" Hitsugaya queried, still confused.

"I understand you consider this holiday to be an unproductive use of time," came the answer. "Therefore, _this_ shall be your duty while you are aware..."

When Yamamoto had promised Rangiku that he would make sure that her Captain enjoys himself, he made it clear that he would do it in a manner Toshiro preferred, and wouldn't think of it as a bother. He had decided to let the boy make a video of his vacation, which he would then compile as a report. Although the plan sounded as if it would be annoying to the young Captain, Yamamoto included the condition that he record anything that interested him. That way, the boy would manage to entertain himself while he did.

"Understood... Captain..." the small Shinigami had said, somewhat dumbfounded at the request.

The two had arrived at the Gate and joined up with the remaining Shinigami.

The departure was not without a few goodbyes exchanged between the Captains and their Lieutenants, a weeping Shunsui who earned a smack upside his head by Nanao's book and a word of farewell and good wishing by the Head Captain before the Gates opened up to reveal a glowing pathway that lit the dark sky, and stretched into the world of the Living.

* * *

The conversations had halted once a bright light shone from out out of nowhere. The group was surprised at first, trying to see through shielded eyes the blinding column of light that grew wider, and strange shapes appearing from beyond it. Their was a quick burst in spiritual pressure, which faded once the blotches in the glow took the form of human beings.

The males in the group, Ichigo, Uryu and Chado, all kicked back their chairs as they stood up and took position. Orihime and her friend backed off a little, wary and frightened of what was happening.

"Work faster, Kurosaki," Uryu spat, never letting his eyes off of the emerging shadows, already collecting reishi and working it into the shape of an arrow.

Ichigo merely grunted in annoyance and fished out his Shinigami badge from his pocket. Holding up the curious artefact, he rammed it into his chest, forcing his soul out of his mortal body. The lifeless Kurosaki fell backwards, caught within the last moment in Orihime's grasp, who sat down on the pavement, the weight of the body pulling her down. She looked around the street, at the people who gave her and her friends a curious stare, completely unaware of the situation at hand. She felt her spirits waver, knowing that whatever trouble that may be coming for them, these innocents will be involved in the struggle.

She turned back around to find Kurosaki-kun, clad in the black robes of the Shinigami, his powerful Zanpaku-to, Zangetsu, equipped on his back, wrapped in yellowing cloth that once, years ago, was pure white. His strong and stout figure gave her heart rest and ease, telling her that Ichigo was going to protect them all from...

Soi Fon?

Moments later, the small female was followed closely by her colleges all dressed in shirts, blouses, jeans and skirts and holding baggage in both hands. The last one to arrive was the beast, Kenpachi, who held an unfamiliar man under his left arm. The huge man looked around the place, amused at the horrified faces of the mortals that populated the area, screaming at their inability to comprehend how a group of people appeared out of thin air.

"Well, I'd better get to work," stated Soi Fon, taking out a small device from her pocket and running amongst the startled crowed, erasing their memories. Kenpachi paid no heed to her. As his gaze skimmed along the horrified faces, one familiar one caught his attention.

"Ichigo!" he cried, letting the blue haired man drop to the ground. The said unnamed individual gathered himself from the pavement and brushed off his clothes, muttering an insult and picking up a relatively medium sized case.

"You don't look to busy! How 'bout a little spar?" the Eleventh Captain cried.

Hitsugaya reached for the power button on his video recorder and held it up where he could see the group's appalled expressions. "Its a start," he said to him self as he zoomed in on a gaping Ichigo.

* * *

"In a bizarre turn of events this Saturday, several eye witness reports had turned up at the local emergency department, of dead bodies lying about near Honmao Street, part of the sub-urban district of Karakura. At the arrival of the rescue teams to the scene late into the night, the situation turned into a much complicated situation when it was revealed that the pedestrians had fallen asleep during late evening on the street. After the mass had been awakened, questions revealed nothing as all stories provided by the victims proved to be outlandish and outsourced."

"We haven't received any one story that's the same as another's..."

"I was just walking down the road and I see all these dead people lying everywhere!"

"The cause of this situation is yet to be determined..."

"They were two guys, screaming about some Jihad and then blew themselves up. After that, I guess I was knocked out. But when I woke up, it was like nothing happened. The buildings were fine, and no one was injured or even dead."

"It was a revelation I tell you! An angel came to us and gave us the divine message. I fell unconscious due to weakened state from receiving the holy guidance!"

"They were Death Gods, dammit! They're on a vacation here! They'd better not screw up anything or I'll shove my foot up their-"

The screen went black. Kyoraku tossed the remote control onto the couch.

"That Kurosaki Ichigo has a very crude vocabulary..." Byakuya commented.

The Shinigami had, after stepping foot into the world of the Living and explaining the situation to the Substitute Shinigami, took for the commercial guest house they had rented before they came here. Taxis were the mode of transportation, however inefficient because the driver for the lead cab, containing Kuchiki and Jushiro, was merely given a brochure with the picture of the house on it and told to find it. The two had received weird stares by the poor human, and nearly two hours had been spent driving around Karakura. Mayuri, thankfully, had figured out the cause of their lost state, and took charge of providing directions. They had all arrived within thrity minutes, and had unloadd their baggage. The women were busy exploring their abode, Kenpachi was complaining about the empty refrigerator and the rest had gathered into the lounge and settled to watch some television.

"Living world entertainment is boring," yawned Shunsui who stretched his arms and leaned back into the couch, weighing onto Sajin, who also shared the furniture.

As per his requirement, Mayuri had constructed a human gigai for him. That so because Komamura understood that his options would be too limited in a dog's body. As a human, he could enjoy almost anything. And that as an exceptionally handsome human. Sajin was not aware how much the Twelfth Captain had laughed when he built his gigai. The hound had requested everything be unique and attractive. Things included in his list were: thick, wavy, jet black hair; blue eyes; a broad chest and a height of about six feet. Komamura was delighted when he first set eyes on his beautiful new body, but never realised that his manhood was relatively smaller than most. Mayuri understood that he would never know. The scientist also understood how morbid his sense of humour was.

"Get off!" Sajin growled and pushed the drunk man off of him, nearly toppling him off the edge.

Hitsugaya turned his video camera on again for the second time that night, knowing that a fight was abound if Sajin kept that attitude of his, and that would make for good entertainment. As much as he hated admitting it, he was rather enjoying himself.

Mayuri entered the room and swiped up the remote in his hand. He was the last to unload his luggage and Byakuya's possessions as well. The 'royal' head of the Kuchiki family declared carrying bags was "a menial task for lowly labourers". Keeping that in mind, Kenpachi had called Mayuri "bell hop" and "slave boy" from the window while the once dignified scientist pulled the Sixth Captain's heavy luggage out of the trunk, without any chance of help coming his way, and carried it all the way into the house. Mayuri had cursed at himself for bringing Byakuya's load, wishing if he could have just left it inside the vehicle and watch it speed off into the distance.

"Honestly," he muttered to himself as he switched the TV back on. The picture flared, showing a scene of disgruntled people, some still asleep on the road and some sitting upright, massaging their heads and rubbing their eyes. A few police officers and medical men were amongst them, helping them up and examining them.

"There is a reason why this thing has that many buttons," he spat.

Pressing one, the screen switched to another channel, where a buxom woman, clad in a very revealing bikini danced sensually in front of a camera that ran up and down her body, showing off everything in detail.

It caught Mayuri by surprise, and froze him in place, eyes wide open in shock and horror. The rest of the males responded likewise. The room suddenly fell awfully silent, with only the faint music playing from the TV filling the air.

Toshiro, forcing sense into his arms directed his device to the other males, catching their expressions.

It was moments before Kurotsuchi snapped back to reality as well and began fumbling with the remote. Wielding the controller like a weapon, he pressed a random button with a trembling figure, only managing to bring the control menu up on the screen. Shunsui, who had remained entranced, jerked himself back to consciousness when the menu list disturbed the images and turned his head to look at Mayuri, battling with the remote control.

"NO!" he cried, jumping onto Sajin again and grabbing a hold onto the remote before Mayuri switched the channel again. Unfortunately, the blue-haired Shinigami did not ease his control onto the thing, engaging both people in a tug of war, which soon involved Kyoraku and Zaraki against Mayuri and everyone else, with the exception of the Captain from the Tenth, who kept recording the struggle. Despite the numbers on Kurotsuchi's side, it was Kenpachi's strength that became the determining factor and after several seconds, their side managed to gain the victory.

"HA!" mocked Kenpachi. But his laughter did not last long enough when he saw Kuchiki reaching for a cushion and launching it at the husky man. It landed softly against his chest with a small "poof" and tumbled to the floor. It managed to provide a smirk to the Eleventh Captain's face.

"Don't make me laugh..." he warned. The Sixth Captain with help from Ukitake, each threw their own artillery, one barely missing Zaraki and the other careening midway in flight and connecting with Kyoraku's face. His response was expected: a cushion thrown randomly at the opposing group. The object headed towards Mayuri, who threw himself to the floor to avoid the incoming attack.

He heard it connect, another soft "poof" and fall near his head. Turning around to look, he found Captain Unohana standing above him, strands of hair falling about her face and some standing up. She was giving a death glare, directed towards Kyoraku, and then suddenly her expression changed. Mayuri couldn't understand why until he remembered that the pornographic images were still displaying on the TV.

In a sense of fright and embarrassment, the scientists scrambled to his feet and ran out the room. The others, who too were caught in their shock, followed closely behind once they saw the Twelfth Captain speeding off, Toshiro the last, his camera still held to his eye.

"What are you two...?" the woman demanded, scrunching up her nose in disgust. The two Captains, unable to comprehend the complication of the situation did what they could do.

"He did it!" they cried, pointing to each other.

* * *

A/N: Gay ending to this chapter. Well, whatever. I skimmed through the previous chapter and corrected any mistakes I could possibly find, and they were a lot, I might add. I don't know what the hell is wrong with my computer. The word processor won't auto check or anything, but works just fine on my friend's computer.

**Thanks to everone who reveiwed.**


	3. First Morning

A/N: God... I'm killing myself... I wasn't supposed to update this soon... but I won't get another chance after this...

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for Ichigo's college friends. Wow, that really didn't sound right...

* * *

Chapter Three: First Morning

Mayuri had dreamt that night. It was a rarity for him to actually dream of things, and even if he did, he could not remember them. The other day, he tried to hope that this vacation was but a dream, yet he could not strengthen his resolve the least bit, knowing that it had been years since he could dream.

This time, though, he knew he had actually dreamt and he remembered it all.

He was back in the Shinigami Academy, but Shinigami training and exercises did not seem part of the course. There, it was just normal education, and Mayuri was enrolled in an art class. When he had gotten home, which was his current division's barracks, he had a slightly swollen belly and had offered Unohana, who was present there, the explanation that he was pregnant for three months. When asked who the second parent was, Mayuri had, with a sad smile, told her that he had been raped. And then, in the next moment, he was in the Captain's Hall, riding on a swing set with a strange looking man wearing an orange gi and hair that pointed in all directions, holding a bright orange ball with four stars on it.

He had awakened with a start, but had not left his bed until an hour later, wondering why he ever dreamt of such a ridiculous, awkward and disturbing thing. But most of all, he wondered what it meant. He was aware of some previously published analysis on the dreaming phenomenon. To sum it all up, dreams were the wild, uncontrolled culminations of one's sub-consciousness, when one's brain is resting itself, which only occurred when the entire body and its organs rest: sleep. If that is true, then dreams are merely a mass of strong emotions, thoughts, memories, personality and experiences (usually recent, like during the day) running loose without the control of the mind. That is why, almost all of them never make any sense.

Mayuri figured that the pregnancy and the odd man with the glowing orange ball were merely a mix of different aspects of his life; an embarrassing biology lesson when he was still a student, centring the female body and relating to sexual intercourse and conceiving of children; Kenpachi's regular accusation of Mayuri being a rapist and the man with the awkward may have been pertaining to a children's manga he had read back in the 1980's when he was in the Living World.

After having gone through it all, Mayuri felt slightly satisfied with himself for sorting the problem. When he would return home, he would begin a new research on the dreaming phenomenon and REM sleep. It wasn't until that he realized that it would be ten days until he could go back, that his misery kicked in. And knowing that he would feel exactly the same way for the rest of the holiday, just made him feel worse than he was.

Today was the twenty-sixth of this month, which meant – he counted – that the return would be on the morning on the fifth of April. He sighed to himself, when he realized that the first of April would be spent amongst his colleagues. That meant every hour until the day for fools would have to be spent in paranoia. And that, the elaborate prank would definitely be fabricated by that Shunsui, the ring leader, made him worry all the more.

He just didn't like the guy. And Kyoraku's impression of him was likewise. The two could be considered as exceptional enemies, with most of the provocations coming from Shunsui and the hostility from Kurotsuchi. The Eighth Division's Captain always found Mayuri to be the subject of his crude jokes and almost all the time tried to push him into a situation the scientist would have a hard time getting out of. If he'd have to choose, Mayuri would pick Kenpachi as a better colleague than that drunkard. So to say, the two had a baseless grudge against each other.

The Twelfth Captain felt it better to take mental notes on any other worldly festival or holiday that may take place during the time he was here, so that he would know when a joke would be specifically played on him. The most obvious one was the Sakura Festival, celebrated at the end of every March into early April. That was why the period for their vacation was chosen by Yamamoto to be within these dates: to enjoy the Sakura blooms... yuck...

That was one where Kuchiki and Unohana-san would not allow any leg-pulling. So he was safe until the specified date. Well, what else then?

Kinnikuman day?

No, that was going to be until later this year.

What else was there that could be celebrated on one or more of these dates?

A day that could be used for absolute torture? One that would make him regret that he was ever?

And that was when it hit him. Rather hard, too. His eyes widened with horror and sweat streamed down from his brow when the dreaded numbers and words flashed before his eyes like a death sentence: 30th March.

His birth date.

Mayuri had thought during the time he had spent lying in his bed, wondering, that he couldn't be any more miserable. But until he realized that his birthday was mid-way into the vacation, he couldn't help but feel cursed. He pulled his pillow from under his head and placed it on his face, trying to muffle his groans he knew could awaken Juu Ban Taicho, who was made to share the room with him. He was fortunate, that as a child, Toshiro was naturally a heavy sleeper and did not stir.

Once checking that the boy was really still asleep, he threw the pillow over his legs and kicked the sheets off of him. Gathering his sanitary materials, he headed for the single bathroom on his floor.

The house had two floors, the one his bedroom and two others were situated, was the top. The ground floor had two rooms, with a kitchen, a dining room and a living room, and like the top floor, had one bathroom. So in total, there were two bathrooms in the entire abode, which was a horror for Mayuri, considering he would have to share it with the others. He wasn't the only one who complained though. Byakuya had provided his unwanted view on how royalty should not share bathrooms, as it is a cause for spreading ailments, passed mainly be commoners. Kenpachi had called him and his entire clan poofters. The comment was not well received.

The women were also not pleased with the "share the shit" situation. The title was provided by, again, Kenpachi. Unohana, despite displeased with Zaraki's idiocy, went so far as to explain the certain_ needs_ of women that are not exactly the same as those of men, and that a woman always required these needs to be met, one of which was a separate bathroom. Half of the explanation was not heard, as all except for Mayuri had covered their ears and began shouting gibberish, so as to block the embarrassing information out.

Kenpachi had, later that night, at dinner, demanded how the scientist could eat after hearing such things, when the others had clearly lost their appetite. He had given a shrug as a reply. Yon Ban Taicho, though, had to ruin things and declared that as a reward for Mayuri's good behaviour and sitting through her lecture, she would buy a present for him the next day.

Kurotsuchi had immediately gotten up and left, not even bothering to finish up his food.

The bathroom was a short walk down the hall. Upon arriving, Mayuri had to unwind some toilet paper he brought along and used it to cover the door knob. In fact, after he had entered the lavatory, nearly everything had been wrapped in paper, that so because Kurotsuchi had an unwanted fear of germs. He was well aware of the many people that came before him and that they had used this bathroom as well. As disgusting the concept was, mummifying the bathroom was an acceptable solution to avoid contact with countless of bacteria passed on by strangers. Mayuri hadn't said it before back then, but Byakuya's argument was justified.

A considerably short amount of time was spent in the bathroom, after which, Mayuri had immediately gotten dressed in those tight, stuffy earth clothes. He had put on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt, and later a brown jacket when he realised how disgustingly thin and sickly the shirt made him look. He didn't choose to comb his hair, instead, ran a hand through his blue locks and ruffled them about. Mayuri was actually proud of how his hair could easily be styled and shaped into almost anything.

"Mornin'!" cried Jushiro as Kurotsuchi stepped down the last of the stairs. The sickly Shinigami was holding a tray full of fried eggs and toast. The scientist sighed. He was really hoping to be the first one to wake up, and now he had to bear with him. And four others.

Besides Ukitake, Byakuya, Unohana, Komamura and Soi Fon, were also awake and gathered about the dining table.

"I made breakfast!" the Thirteenth Captain cried, holding up the tray like some godly treasure. He skipped over to the group, who had initially just sat about, talking, and were rather surprised about this favour the TB patient had granted them. They were rather thankful for his efforts, but only because they did not want to hurt the poor man's feelings.

"That is ketchup... right?" queried Kuchiki when his plate was set before him. Jushiro blinked his eyes in confusion. The Sixth Captain was afraid when he saw the gesture.

"Goodness, no! Why in the world would I serve ketchup with eggs?" he stated.

Byakuya gagged. This was exactly the reason why no one wanted him to do such favours. But it was hard to say no to his face. So, all four had to just sit quietly until he would go back into the kitchen to whip up some more health hazards. When they saw Mayuri come in, they had all breathed a sigh of relief, and now expected the white-haired Shinigami to return to the stove.

The sick man turned around to meet Mayuri's scowling face.

"Why don't you join the rest of us for breakfast? I'll have yours ready in about-"

"I'd rather not..." Kurotsuchi answered without giving him time to finish. He noticed the light from everyone's faces fade away like a withered leaf when the hopes for Jushiro's departure seemed an impossibility. In fact, they all looked much paler than the previous day. And he could especially notice the difference in Ukitake's face when he did observe it. He knew it was already exceptionally pale with his illness, but the colour was much too peculiar.

"What the hell are you doing without your gigai?" he demanded when he realised the problem.

"They were cramping when we woke up, so we took them off for the morning..." offered Soi Fon. The explanation did not manage to calm the fuming Mayuri down.

And then came the sound Mayuri wasn't hopeful of hearing that moment. A low, rattling groan that oozed with pain and hunger: Hollows.

"Dear me, those monsters have been coming since morning..." commented Unohana, tilting her cup full of the tea Jushiro had brewed for her back into the kettle when everyone had turned their heads in the direction of the sound, listening intently.

The gigai Mayuri had built were especially designed to consume flowing reiatsu, a function similar to the living eye-patch he had made for Kenpachi. The purpose was to suppress the high amounts of spiritual pressure a Captain would usually emit and to avoid attracting Hollows to Karakura town, and endanger its people. Yamamoto had ordered the Twelfth Division's Captain to construct these special gigai for the safety of Karakura, that was why it was a necessity to wear the faux bodies at all times possible.

And here, five Captains lay lounging about like idiots without their gigai and leaking reiatsu all over the place.

Mayuri buried his face in his hands in utter despair.

"Don't be so sad, Captain Kurotsuchi," comforted Unohana, emptying the contents of her plate into a distracted Soi Fon's. "You don't have to work during your vacation. That nice Ichigo has been up since dawn fighting off those Hollows for us..."

Mayuri groaned.

"Breakfast?" Jushiro offered, holding up another plate of egg and toast to him, with his added 'special' ketchup.

* * *

"What happened, Ichigo? You bailed on class today..." hummed Yusanari Harada through the other end of the line. Harada was one of Kurosaki's new college friends he met during the first semester of the first year. Harada was a tall boy, around two metres in length, with a long neck, black hair – usually styled in spikes – and a cigarette dangling from his mouth, a thing which Ichigo had begun to dislike about him ever since the day the ashes from the burning cancer stick had fallen on his assignment and burned it to nothing. Harada was a careless boy from the start, but he never worried about it, because he was the top graduate from his high school and one of the finest students the Imperial College of Sciences could boast of.

"I had some trouble with my car this morning..." groaned Ichigo, massaging his head with his free hand.

"You could've called me, you know. I would've picked you up on the way..." offered Harada's lazy voice.

Ichigo reached for the can of soda he had placed on the coffee table and took a sip from it. The beverage cooled the youth's insides, like he had been going without water for days.

Kurosaki had not revealed his secrets to any other person besides those who were already aware of the events of the Winter Wars. Those who were on the list already included Orihime, Ishida and Chado. Others of his friends and those of Orihime's were also part of the group. Besides them, Ichigo wasn't sure of any other spiritually aware people residing in Karakura. If so there were any, and the Substitute Shinigami did not plan on revealing himself to them, the youth often fought Hollows wearing a leather mask, something which Chado had gifted him on his birthday once. His present was the weirdest of them all, and Ichigo was never sure that he could ever find a use for it. Until Tatsuki had suggested that he use it to veil his identity when he fought evil. He knew she was being sarcastic back then, but the idea clicked.

This morning had been an absolute drag. The Captains from the Soul Society were leaking reiatsu like it was their business from their current residence and Ichigo had to spend six gruelling hours cutting down one Hollow after another. The boy would have never gotten his break if the new guy that came with the Captains – the one with the blue hair – hadn't went about the yard, setting up poles around the estate. Whatever he did, Ichigo wasn't too sure about, but after that, the Hollows just simply stopped coming through. He was offered an explanation though: something with the trajectory and the projector with the combine something that did something and made a barrier that masked reiatsu. That was all Kurosaki could have figured from the guy's talk. He figured that this new addition to the Shinigami party must from the Twelfth Division. They always had creeps talking l33t all the time.

"I would, but my cell's broken," the Substitute Shinigami insisted.

"...You know I don't believe you..."

"Sometimes, Yusanari, your I.Q really gets on my nerves..." Kurosaki stated menacingly.

"Same with you..."

"Idiot..."

"So anyway, I saw these dog monsters fighting with some ninja with a huge ass sword this morning..."

"..."

"Kurosaki...? You there...?"

"... Idiot..."

* * *

"I found this in the yard," exclaimed Kenpachi, holding up a sharp white fang between his fingers, for everyone to see. "I bet its one of those dead monster lizard's. I could make a fortune out of this..."

Byakuya pinched the bridge of his nose as an awestruck Toshiro and Shunsui whistled in amazement. The little Shiro was holding up his camera, recording the 'marvellous' discovery. The Sixth Captain was not ready to tell Zaraki of the incidents that took place this morning. Two things why: if he did tell him of a bombardment of Hollows, Kenpachi would get too excited to calm down. And secondly, he did not want to break his heart. He wanted to wait a bit longer till he found out himself. That would be more devastating. But until then, he would have to bear through this annoyance.

"Hey, what kind of dino you think it belongs to?" Kyoraku demanded, trying to reach out for the Hollow tooth, which was promptly snatched away.

"Maybe a T-Rex..." the beast from the Eleventh wondered to himself. But it was soon that all the hubub about the fossil was forgotten when angry shouts were heard from the opposite room. Several seconds later, Mayuri had appeared, flailing his arms in the air and complaining, as always. Following him was, surprisingly, Unohana, wearing a persuasive smile.

"...more trouble than back in the Seireitei!" was what they heard from the scientist as he entered the room.

"Well I'm sorry. On everyone's behalf!" she pleaded, her lips still poised between a laughter and a grin. It seemed as if she was amused by his antics. Mayuri was possibly the only person in existence who was never intimidated by her glares. Even if it were the Captain Commander standing before her right now, he would have faltered.

"You don't have to be!" the blue-haired man kept arguing in his loud voice. "The moment I stepped out into the material world, I knew I was up against more than what I bargained for when I'm _surrounded_ by these infidels!"

He was now glaring at the group of stunned men, who jumped in surprise when they realised that Kurotsuchi was directing the insult to them. He would have received an unpleasant comeback, but right now, the scientist meant trouble and no one was prepared to provoke him any further. Even Shunsui's ever scheming mind decided to forget about cracking a joke on Kurotsuchi. Everyone could tell that he absolutely wasn't in the mood for anything funny right now.

All three males scrambled to their feet and headed out of the lounge when they noticed his yellow eyes say "SCAT!". Although out of sight, the trio hugged the wall, listening intently to what the two were arguing about.

"What has that got to do with a little trip to the mall?" she insisted.

Mayuri forcibly supressed his anger and began to massage his temples, all to let her know that she was getting on his nerves.

"Why would I want to go to this _mall_?" he demanded. He had pulled back his hands from his head and had folded them across his narrow chest, with a sarcastic smile plastered on his face. Gestures like that meant that she was missing the obvious here. But Unohana couldn't care any less.

"Then you'd rather mind marvelling at the fossil Captain Zaraki found in the yard...?" she offered. Mayuri turned his head to the right to see three heads duck back behind the wall.

He blinked.

And then sighed in defeat.

* * *

A/N: Lol, shopping trip! Actually this was more boring than the last two. Gotta fix that in later chaps. Until then read, enjoy and review.


	4. Big Little Mistakes

A/N: Not feeling too good. Have a cold. So I practically don't know what I'm writing here, but I'm trying my best to make it sensible enough. My brain hurts...

Disclaimer: Spare me. Spare Bleach. There was nothing between us since the beginning. I was with the maid that noon!

* * *

Chapter Four: Big Little Mistakes

"I don't like this place..." Mayuri had thought out loud.

Before stood him a giant building, made of stone, steel and glass, stretching out into the sky like a menacing monster, devouring unsuspecting civilians by opening its glass mouth and letting them drift into its belly. It sat on a large portion of the earth, resting itself on massive pillars that kept it from toppling over by its own weight, and decorated its body with large pictures of various things, trying to keep its true self disguised and fool the people. At its forehead, it had letters made from bright red plastic spell out the word 'Akihabara'. So it even had a name...

"You are taking things much too seriously..." Unohana tried persuading him. She walked up near the glass doors and watched as they automatically parted, giving way into the complex.

"Come on already," she urged, stepping close to the entrance, turning around to look at the frightened man.

"Can we go somewhere else?" he queried, still looking up at the name.

"Where?"

"Any place as long as it's not here..."

"Captain Kurotsuchi..." the woman called, smiling in pity. She walked back, letting the doors shut themselves and stood behind him. She placed her palms behind his shoulders and began pushing him forward. She really expected him to resist her, which was why she pushed him just hard enough to make his body move. Well, that was assuming if her expectations proved correct. Instead, he let his body lean forward as she applied force onto him and fell face first into the pavement, like a felled tree. Unohana was nothing short of surprised, and bent down at him, her hands resting on her knees, hoping that she hadn't killed him when no groan escaped from his mouth. She looked up to find the stares passers-by were giving her and felt her cheeks flush with utter embarrassment. She didn't know what was worse here; the fact that she killed Kurotsuchi, or the fact that everybody saw her doing it.

She looked down again to find the Twelfth Captain slowly lift himself up and sit down on the ground, letting his fingers stroke his nose. The idea of going to the mall had literally froze the man in place, so when Unohana had tried to push him in, she only managed to push him _over._ Mayuri had grown tolerant of pain which was a normal part of daily the experiments and upgrades he performed on his own body, often without aesthetic. So it was obvious that he wouldn't feel any pain, right? Wrong. Gigai were stupid things, even Mayuri had admitted to himself once, and Nemu was a living example of that. The moment the tips of his fingers touched the bridge of his nose and the pain rushed to the back of his head, he swore it was broken.

"Are you alright?" the Fourth Division Captain queried, bowing low in front of him, noticing how he flinched when he felt his nose. His golden eyes basically tried to look up at her face, but caught something more... distracting instead. Unohana was definitely not in a good position at the moment; her shirt was hanging loosely around her as she bent down, which provided him a rather detailed glance at her cleavage. If the earth world fashion allowed it, Unohana would have braided her hair in front her rather than the traditional style, and saved him from this horrifying situation. But since that wasn't the case, Mayuri had managed to see more than he could handle when his luck was already running low. Now he could officially say that this vacation idea was absolutely terrible.

Mayuri couldn't exactly tell whether it was his injury or the view that caused him to have a nosebleed.

* * *

Jushiro, Kyoraku, Sajin, Soi Fon, Kenpachi and Toshiro, all froze in horror when they heard the screams. Instinctively, they all turned around in their seats and stared at the foot of the stairs, waiting... just simply waiting of what would happen next. They heard footsteps – no – heavy stomping on the wood of the house, getting louder with each step, coming near the end of the staircase... coming near to them.

And then they all saw Kuchiki, dressed in his bathing robes, an expression of deep anger on his usually emotionless face.

* * *

"What's wrong?"

Kurotsuchi could have sworn he had heard someone scream. He paused for a while, listening intently for the sound to come again, but his efforts were in vain when he realized the voice could very well have come from the humans present here, who were already chattering loudly amongst themselves. He shook away any thoughts regarding the shout.

"Nothing..." he answered bluntly, continuing his walk back home.

* * *

"It's absolutely disgraceful that I have to _share_ the lavatory in the first place, but I cannot – I repeat – I CANNOT stand for the unhygienic conditions you have left it in!" Byakuya had bellowed, literally red with boiling anger.

"How the hell is a bathroom supposed to be hygienic, anyway?" Shunsui had commented, missing the entire point.

"You talk like Mayuri..." Kenpachi had also chosen to provide his insightful thinking, which was largely ignored by everyone present.

Soi Fon turned back around, concentrating on the television. She and Unohana had their own bathroom, all to themselves, so there was really no need for her to pay any attention to the matter.

"Why was there faeces in the _sink_?" Byakuya spat. He had expected to find someone to shift their gaze guiltily, or at least fearfully, but he found no such expression on either of their faces. Instead, they all went silent; shocked. Even the shorter female Shinigami had turned around again and stared at him in absolute disgust and confusion.

"...What?" blurted Toshiro after moments of awkward silence. The group looked at each other in bewilderment, still unable to fathom the thought of someone actually taking a dump in the sink. And as they exchanged looks, all eyes slowly and eventually fell on Zaraki. He glanced over at everyone's faces and noticed that they were all looking at him accusingly.

"Oh come on, what's wrong with you jack-offs?" he demanded, appalled that they could even think of him like that.

"Why me, huh?" he questioned the again, wanting to know why they even considered him to have performed such an ugly feat in the first place. But when he did ask, everyone looked away, now completely unsure who the perpetrator could be. Zaraki, though, was not the least bit satisfied. Two reasons why: they all thought he was the offender, and secondly, they wouldn't tell him why they thought so. As angry as he was right now, he chose to hold back his anger until they found out who the real suspect was. Once they did, he would beat the living day lights out of him. And then everyone else too for wrongly accusing the Eleventh Captain.

"Must have been Mayuri..." Shunsui exclaimed. Everyone understood rather well that his entire accusation was baseless.

"He used the bathroom early this morning... remember?" Soi Fon had said, letting the Eighth Captain know that he just couldn't point at someone he simply didn't like.

"Well, who was the last one, then?" Byakuya wondered.

All of them began counting, in order of those who had waken up first that morning, and most probably used the toilet right after and those who might have used it some other time of the day. As they all provided their accounts on who they saw, one by one, they all had soon managed to zero in on Komamura. The suspicious gazes were now fixed on Sajin.

"I swear, I used the _toilet_!" he cried out in defence. The longer they stared at him, the more they began to notice the truth that shone through his eyes. Soon, they all fell back to square one.

"Do you even know what a toilet looks like...?" Jushiro had suddenly asked, realizing that within that gigai was actually an animal, who might probably be unaware of most things that humans were used to. One of them could possibly the toilet.

"Yes... Kurotsuchi had explained it to me," he answered, crossing his arms over his chest, making his disgrace of having blamed of dirtying the sink, known to them.

"Really...?" Byakuya began, sounding very suspicious. "What does it look like...?"

"Kurotsuchi-san had said it was bowl shaped, and had a depression at the bottom that allowed waste to flow through..." he explained.

Byakuya slapped his forehead in despair. "He didn't tell you about the flush! That would have made the difference!" yelled Kuchiki, feeling angry towards the Twelfth Captain instead of Sajin. Honestly, as a scientist, he could have explained better to him.

"He did," Komamura answered, unknowingly defending the absent Captain. "He told me there would be a lever. In some cases its a knob..."

"Someone must have pulled the lid over..." Toshiro provided. "He couldn't have seen any 'bowl' besides the wash-sink when the lid was on..."

"Who the hell pulled the lid over?" Soi Fon demanded.

A pale, trembling hand rose from amongst the group. The Captains stepped aside to reveal Ukitake, smiling sheepishly at Byakuya.

"I really didn't think that simply covering up the toilet would've meant this..." he forced a pathetic laugh.

Kenpachi wasn't sure of who to beat up anymore.

* * *

"I hadn't expected that..." Unohana had said, rather cheerfully. It was obvious that Kurotsuchi wasn't enjoying the woman's carefree nature. The Fourth Captain wasn't this childish at all when back at the Soul Society, but here, her attitude was extremely unprofessional at all matters. He had expected some sort of sensible behaviour from her during this vacation, after all, he knew how well she could wave off any of their arguments, personal or professional. But here, she was admitting her fault and probing a discussion from him. Needless to say, he wanted her to know that she was getting on his nerves.

"That people break bones when they hit the pavement?" he wheezed, his voice muffled by the sleeve of the his jacket he had used to cover up his nose and soak up the blood

Unohana was still playing along, and it annoyed him greatly.

"I meant that you'd fall over," she said with a shake of her head. "I didn't expect that... and from you of all people."

"Don't then..." he told her. "Don't expect things from people you don't know about."

"Ah! But here's the ironic part... I _do_ know about you..." she challenged.

Mayuri scoffed audibly. As far as the hostilities between them stretched back, Kurotsuchi had never left himself open to her. He never let her know even the tiniest details about himself. Even if she did know of some things, then she probably picked them up from the Seireitei Communication. It was strange enough through, that some facts were actually Mayuri's own personal secrets, and it really was a wonder how the publishers ever found out about them. Or maybe Kisuke had relayed some information about him to other people. The possibilities of her knowledge about him seemed very likely now.

"Now if you'd be a little more social, things might not be as bad as you think they are," she added, missing a few steps so that she walked beside him.

"I really can't..." the Twelfth Captain said. "Some things I can't tell others..."

"Like what?"

Kurotsuchi stopped dead in his tracks. He turned towards Retsu so that his eyes dug into hers, and took a firm hold of her arms. The woman was caught off guard when she noticed the deep seriousness of his face. This sudden change was absolutely unpleasant. She wasn't expecting that he would ever do anything like that, and once he did, Unohana definitely felt that her bluff had backfired. His motives suddenly became very clear and also very uncertain to her in that moment, when he pulled her closer to him, enough so that she could actually feel his breath. She was hoping he wasn't going to say or do what she thought he was.

"I'm a transsexual..."

"... wh-... What...?" she stuttered, dumbfounded.

The moment the term 'transsexual' escaped his mouth, her mind went absolutely blank. She couldn't move. She couldn't think. She couldn't even breathe. Through her entire afterlife, this was the first time that the Fourth Division's Captain didn't know what to do. Hell, even Sosuke's betrayal didn't numb her mind like Kurotsuchi had. And that, with the use of a simple word.

"God, I can't believe you fell for that...!" he suddenly exclaimed with a disappointed look on his face. His hands immediately slid off of her and he stepped back, turning towards their initial direction and continuing his walk.

But he didn't. He stopped, halfway into his pace. Exactly the same way he had done a moment before. But this time, he didn't turn around. He kept staring on ahead, as if he had been frozen in time. Unohana didn't understand why until she followed his gaze and found someone, standing several metres before them. It was a dark skinned woman with long, dark violet hair, standing with her arms folded across her generous chest. She wore a smile – no – a smirk, that revealed a hint of her sharp, white teeth

A cat's grin.

Mayuri bent down so that his head came as far as his waist.

"**FUCK!**" he yelled.

* * *

"Miki Sugimori," she introduced herself. "You called for a house maid?"

Jushiro immediately stepped aside to let her carry all her supplies in. The Shinigami were all seated in the lounge, patiently awaiting her arrival, and when she did come, they couldn't be anymore thankful. All, except for Byakuya and Kenpachi, had gotten up to greet their saviour.

"Its so good that you're here," Kyoraku growled. The Eighth Captain had carefully ordered for one of those ecchi maid services he had heard were rather popular in Japan. And true to the pamphlets he had 'read', they provided households with cute, big-breasted girls in their teens, wearing short and tight uniforms. It was a great deal; they clean your house, and you get to watch their asses when they bent down.

"And I like your name too... _Miki_..." he purred dreamily. The girl only gave him a smile.

"Thank you!" she squeaked before unknowingly slipping her hand out of Kyoraku's fingers, who had just bent down to kiss.

"I like her," Soi Fon teased as Shunsui dragged himself back to the couch with a bruised heart.

* * *

A/N: Like I said, I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. R&R please...


	5. Unwanted Invitations

A/N: I didn't know how shitty the last chapter was until I read it over. I definitely have to work hard on this one to make up for that.

Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, I wouldn't be broke.

* * *

Chapter Five: Unwanted Invitations

"Where's Miki?"

"Upstairs... cleaning..."

"Oh... find anything good?"

"Not recently..."

Shunsui plopped into the couch besides his friend Jushiro, who kept changing channels on the television. Amongst those who sat watching in different chairs and seats were Zaraki and Komamura. The living room was unofficially labelled to be the men's personal lounge. Although women also came by, like the maid and Soi Fon, but besides that, the room was almost all the time occupied by the male group. In reality, if there hadn't been a TV there in the first place, they wouldn't have overtaken the lounge. If that wasn't the case, then they would have claimed the kitchen because of easy access to the fridge.

Speaking of which, the refrigerator was almost bare of any edibles.

The previous night, Unohana and Soi Fon had quickly shopped for some groceries to make dinner then. They had also bought some for breakfast the next day. Until everyone had woken up and had their meal did the need for more groceries arise. That was why Yon Ban Taicho had left in the late morning. Captain Kurotsuchi had also gone along – rather taken along – as a treat for his good behaviour yesterday when he listened to Unohana's presentation on the 'facts of life'. He hadn't actually paid any attention at all; he had merely concentrated on his dinner. Regardless, he got stuck.

They were meant to have come back home around noon, and since they hadn't, everyone had to simply wait through until food arrived. Which did not seem to be a possibility any time soon.

And so, the TV had been turned on to kill time.

If anything interesting would happen, that is.

Living World entertainment was confusing. Almost half of them were news channels, where handsome men dressed in suits would blather on and on about issues that definitely did not concern any Shinigami. Then there were sports channel which featured games that no one could understand. Some were cooking shows, and nobody had opted to see any of them, and some children's shows. Others could be classified as miscellaneous; different activities altogether.

"I thought that 'wrestling' could be something fun, but its just a bunch of shaven, sweaty, gay guys groping at each other..." Kenpachi voiced, stretching his long legs and placing them on the coffee table, his left foot resting on his right. He accidentally knocked off a glass of soda onto the carpet. But no one really bothered to do anything about it. Ever since the maid came by, everyone had been carelessly messing about; spilling things, throwing wrappers all around the house, flinging shoes about. Fifteen minutes earlier, Jushiro, Shunsui and Sajin had a food fight, which left the destroyed kitchen as a testament to their battle, and Ukitake in a near coma-like state. But a quick whiff of Kenpachi's socks effectively awoke him, while Miki took care of the mess in the kitchen.

"What about the _pichi-pichi_ channel?" demanded Kyoraku of the porn-star that danced on the screen last night.

"No such nonsense in front of Shiro-san..." Jushiro curtly replied back, quickly pressing the buttons on the remote. The screen flashed to reveal an animated children's show.

"Would you like to see this?" the sickly Captain turned towards Hitsugaya, who almost jumped at how fast Ukitake nearly rammed his face into his. The boy gulped nervously.

Captain Ukitake was _very_ peculiar.

"Uh..." he tried but trailed off when they all saw Unohana come stand beside the couch. The sounds of the cartoon were so loud, they hadn't heard when she and the Twelfth Captain had arrived.

"You took your time..." Ukitake pointed out.

"Oh, we had met with Yoruichi Shihouin on the way," she related. "She invited me and Sixth Seat, Hiyosu, for lunch tomorrow..."

"Who?"

Unohana merely giggled, as Kurotsuchi entered the lounge.

"Don't..." he warned.

* * *

"Unohana-taicho? Here in the World of the Living... must be a serious matter..." Yoruichi exclaimed, approaching the two slowly, almost with malice. Her lips curled back to reveal a mischievous grin, one that emphasised the impossibly cruel look in her eyes. She kept her gaze on Mayuri the whole time as she finally stopped two feet away from them. The scientist had felt like her gaze was piercing into his soul, knowingly, wickedly...

He gulped audibly.

He knew her intentions when he saw the glint in her bright amber eyes.

She was feeling naughty today.

"Nothing of the sort, Shihouin..." the Fourth Captain had merely replied, also noticing the playfulness that glowed on her face. But unlike her company, Unohana was intelligent enough to not let Shihouin know that she was aware of how the noblewoman was taking things.

"We are on a small vacation..." she answered, playing dumb.

"Really...?" the dark-skinned woman implied, taunting both people. "Looked like something else..."

She was eyeing Mayuri intently, observing each and every detail about him. She wasn't paying any attention to his physical features, but mostly his face. And eyes. She was trying to know what he was thinking; what he was feeling. She was digging into him. And Mayuri didn't like that. He didn't like _her_. From the beginning.

"And who are you?" she demanded, addressing Mayuri.

"Oh don't you recognise him? Its Kurotsuchi-taicho," the braided woman answered for her, but was cut short from saying anything else by the said man.

"Sixth Seat!" Mayuri cried, almost too eagerly. "_Kurotsuchi-taicho's_ Sixth Seat!"

Unohana immediately turned her gaze towards him. He wasn't looking back, but knew that he was being given a questionable look. He knew she wondered why he would try to keep his identity from the former Stealth Force Commander, and really, he did not want to tell her that he had never walked around with his exposed face in front of anyone. Even Kisuke was unaware of the blue-haired Shinigami's identity. The only person besides himself who had seen him was Nemu, and other than her, virtually no-one. And if Yoruichi couldn't recognise him, then he had every right to take full advantage of that.

"Sixth Seat... Hiyo... -su..." he had began his 'introduction' fairly energetically, using a heavier voice to mask his own. But when no proper name could come to his mind, his thoughts immediately drifted to his subordinates. And the first name that came to him was Hiyosu. Why 'Hiyosu' of all names, he didn't know. When the words finally escaped his mouth, Mayuri had already began cursing himself internally. When the last of it came out, he closed his eyes, ashamed of himself.

"Hiyosu?" Yoruichi repeated, unintentionally adding to Kurotsuchi's disgrace.

Opening his eyes, he lazily nodded and turned around, believing that his face might be turning red now. His head hung low.

"Feels like I've seen you somewhere..." she wondered out loud, tapping her chin with suspicion.

When he had built this gigai, Mayuri was sure that not a single person would recognise him as his own face, and true to it, up until now, no one was able to guess. He had chosen his own body features when he constructed the faux body, because back then, he was feeling too lazy to allow any creativity. After all, the motive behind making these artificial vessels was disliked by the scientist. He did not want to go in the first place, then why work hard? It was satisfying enough that he built exact replicas of the Captains, and added restraint to their distinct abilities, like shunpo and flowing reiatsu. Besides that, Mayuri hadn't given it a single thought.

Similarly, he he did not pay any heed to his gigai and made it according to his physical requirements, thinking his identity would still remain a mystery.

Until Yoruichi finally got suspicious.

He had known her for a fairly reasonable time, since it was her containment unit that had him detained, with effort from Kisuke Urahara. And since he was on a special kind of arrest, the Detention Force had kept close surveillance on him. If anyone would recognise Mayuri without his general get-up, it was them.

He was lucky though that they'd never seen his real face. And they wouldn't even believe that Mayuri was human anyway.

"Oh, you might not remember me!" the scientist explained, facing her again. He had a fake smile on, which succeeded in startling Unohana.

Mayuri had a big smile. Ironically enough, it looked nothing short of perverted. Whether it was intentional or not, his grin always turned out like he was going to rape someone. Mainly children. Unohana guessed he couldn't help it. But his smile was still a reason for her to dislike him... sort of...

"You beat me up along with several other Shinigami back when the Ryoka intruded into the Seireitei."

"Hmm... You know, now that you mention it, I think I do remember you..." the dark female falsely claimed, believing Kurotsuchi's word.

Yoruichi may be an excellent warrior, but she never bothered to remember any faces. People weak enough to be pulverised by her in a single instant were not worth being remembered. So she easily took his explanation.

* * *

"Hiyosu?" repeated Jushiro, in a manner similar to the Shihouin.

"Let her talk, dammit," Kenpachi had rudely implied, taking interest in Unohana's story. He enjoyed Mayuri-bashing. Period.

* * *

"A vacation?" The dark female queried, raising an eyebrow. She was engaged in a conversation with Unohana. That was all she could do, really, since the Sixth Seat had stood himself facing a wall, and rested his head against it. Something told her that he was not enjoying things at all. But then again, she could easily expect such attitude from people from the Twelfth Division.

"And where is Captain Kurotsuchi?" she demanded, quickly glancing over to 'Hiyosu', who banged his head on the concrete, once, when she took his Captain's name. Perhaps he disliked Kurotsuchi?

"He did not wish to join us," the braided lady answered.

"True!" agreed Mayuri without looking at the two.

"Oh... Then why send his seated officer?"

"He's... on a special duties..." Unohana tried her best to lie.

"I like to kill small animals for pleasure!" provided Mayuri. This was a sign that he was getting frustrated. The Fourth Captain knew this; she had seen him do and heard him say countless of odd things when he got mad or annoyed. One such example was when the Eleventh Division's Shinigami had mummified his barracks with toilet paper. Kurotsuchi had calmly discussed about testing out his newest land-mines which proved to be successful in their functions, but lamented how he had forgotten where he put them. He mentioned that the Eleventh's training fields were a possible location. Besides Kenpachi, no one has ventured into the hazard zone till date.

"He's strange..." Unohana explained softly, smiling as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

* * *

"Where'd that blood come from?" Jushiro wondered, pointing to the red blotch that stained Kurotsuchi's jacket's sleeve.

"Don't ask..." he warned, looking very grim when he said that.

"Well, she decided on inviting us for lunch tomorrow..." the braided Captain concluded, sipping her glass of water.

"WHY? YOU'RE JUST A MONKEY!" came the blue-haired Shinigami's voice.

"What is wrong with you?" demanded Kenpachi angrily at Mayuri's strange outburst.

The Twelfth Captain merely looked back at him, perplexed.

"Wasn't me..." he shrugged.

"I SHOULD'VE DESTROYED YOU!" he screamed again, strangely enough, without opening his mouth. In fact, his voice didn't seemed to be coming from him at all. It sounded like it came from somewhere else. Call it instinct, all heads turned back towards the television, where a white and purple creature with a tail and a dome-shaped head, floated on the screen. It had a damaged eye and was bleeding from various places.

"This planet's set to blow in five minutes..." the alien announced, raising his palm as an indication.

Ten pairs of bewildered eyes bore down on Mayuri.

"What the fuck...?" the words drifted from the scientist's mouth.

* * *

Through a bizarre turn of events, Mayuri had realised that there existed an animé character with his voice. As if his afterlife wasn't creepy enough; the entire vacation being the peak of these ridiculous circumstances. And not to mention his nose was still broken. He had to return to his room and fix that. Then he had to add the fact that Yoruichi had invited everyone over for lunch. He wouldn't go. He already had too much to deal with. Besides, everyone will have much more fun without him. And he'll have the same without _them_.

But for now, he was just going to remove his gigai and take a nice long nap.

Undisturbed.

So he was headed up the stairs to his bedroom. Toshiro wouldn't be there; the boy was still young. He had his youth to keep him energised all day long, which meant he would enjoy his brief sleep, alone.

But of course, nothing came easy for him since the start of this goddamned fan fiction.

He wasn't expecting to just simply bump into someone. Who wouldn't, after all? Though when he looked down at the small figure that collided into him, he was quite surprised to find blazing red locks instead of any hair colour he would know would belong to any of his colleagues. The red-head immediately looked up at him, with big brown eyes, confused and dumb-founded. She had a face he did not recognise; a small, pink cheeked appearance framed by red curls. She was garbed in a maid's uniform.

Wait...

Since when the hell did they have a maid?

"Hey look!" he suddenly exclaimed, turning his head toward the entrance for the lounge, purposely making himself sound excited. "A porn mag!"

He heard a few bumps, then a scuffle, followed by hurried footsteps against the carpeted floor. Within moments, Zaraki and Kyoraku appeared through the entrance, with the latter toppling over as the Eleventh Captain knocked him down in their rush. The two looked up at him, somewhat blankly. It was like they merely responded without actually any hopes of receiving a dirty magazine.

Mayuri enjoyed implementing Pavlov's theory.

"Who's she?" he demanded, pointing towards the young girl. If he knew of anyone who would bring a stranger, mainly a girl, into the house, then it would be Shunsui. So he had to just give him an incentive to lure him over, namely the non-existent pornographic magazine. He had no need for Kenpachi. He counted as a bonus then.

"I'm the maid, sir," she answered meekly. She didn't exactly behave so shyly around people, but this new stranger was an exception. He was definitely a strange person; blue hair, golden eyes, tanned skin, slight stubble and a lean visage. So to say, he was an exotically attractive person, and Miki couldn't help but feel warm when he turned back to look at her. She felt a dash of colour adorn her already rosy cheeks.

"I didn't ask you," he said. The maid quietly nodded, like an obedient slave. A smile crept onto her face, and she immediately turned her gaze to her feet, too shy to look him directly in the eyes.

"She's the maid," Kenpachi replied matter-of-factly.

"Why have you ordered for a maid?" he was beginning to fume now as he stepped down from the stairs.

"Oh, you won't believe what happened..." Shunsui had begun to chuckle. Kenpachi, too, joined him in this silent, naughty giggle as the Eighth Captain slowly picked himself up from the floor and dusted off his pants. He took a step towards Kurotsuchi and flung an unwelcome arm around his shoulder.

"Sajin shit in the sink!" he declared, patting the Twelfth Captain on his chest. He immediately broke into laughter, supported by the beast from the Eleventh.

"What?" the scientist demanded, somehow unable to believe this explanation and forgetting about the maid girl, who stood in her position the same, rocking back and forth on her heels in a lovestruck daze.

"He did what?" he repeated.

The tall male, suppressing his laughter with all his might, choked, "He thought the toilet bowl was the fuckin' wash basin!" and continued his increasing fits.

It took longer for Kurotsuchi to process this information, but nonetheless, he did understand Komamura's plight of being incompetent in the understanding of human activities. Anyone could expect that from him.

"Well... at least you've done something right..." he admitted. He turned on his heels to find the clean-up girl, swaying gently on the staircase. She seemed to be looking ahead, but also as if she was staring into something beyond. She was probably day-dreaming.

"What are you still doing there?" he demanded from her, which startled the teenager out from her trance, She gave him a single look, after which her face broke into a bright smile.

"Get back to work," he ordered, as rudely as possible, once he began making his way up the stairs again.

"Definitely, sir!" she assured him once he got close enough when passing by. He gave her a long glance, a fearful kind of gaze. She didn't know why he looked at her like that, but she decided it was something she should be grateful for, since he _did_ look at her. Whenever his eyes met hers, she felt so terribly happy.

"Anything you want!" she cried.

Mayuri turned his head back and climbed the last of the stairs, turning to his left and down the hallway, into his room. He reached for the handle and slowly turned it, hearing it click as he did. Pulling it open, he took a step inside and closed it behind him. He walked toward his bed, where he removed himself from his gigai, and let it fall into the soft covers with the ruffle of the sheets the only sound it made.

He took a hold onto the faux body's legs and pulled it over into the bed completely.

He took a while, staring down at the back of his vessel, wondering how that girl had so cheerfully replied to him when he had literally snapped at her. It was like bossing a teenage Unohana with red curls, who would always give a pleasing comment no matter how mean he would be.

Two Unohanas?

This vacation was going to be a joyride in hell.

* * *

Kurotsuchi couldn't figure exactly what they had yelled when they barged into his room. It sounded so unintelligible in his sleep, or else, if he was in his complete sense, he could have easily understood what they were excited about. But since he was still asleep when they busted in, and he was not entirely awake, but dazed and confused, he had been scared out of his skin. He had rolled off his bed in his confusion; his nose meeting the carpeted floor.

He rolled on his back and cupped his nose with his hands, cringing at the pain. Before going to sleep, he had managed to fix it, and here, yet again, something had to happen to it. Thankfully the floor was made out of wood, and the carpeting also softened his impact. It only hurt, but nothing serious.

The excited shouts though, did not halter. They were much too lost in their eagerness that no body chose to pay attention to, if not help out, Mayuri.

The scientist sat up on the floor, still stroking his nose to lessen the pain.

"We're going, man!" cried Zaraki, thrusting his face into Kurotsuchi's. If the Twelfth Captain hadn't leaned back in time, their lips could have smacked.

"Going where...?" the tanned Shinigami demanded groggily.

"To the strip club..."

"o_o"

* * *

A/N: Okay, so I didn't work hard on this chapter, but its really not my choice. School's started and its my final year in O Levels, so I have to study, which I'm pretty much not doing right now :|

Oh, and to understand why I mentioned Pavlov's theory here, you'll have to wiki it to find out. Its a really interesting theory too. I know I'm a nerd...

Other jokes you might not understand: Mayuri and Freeza have the same seiyu, Ryusei Nakao.

And by the way, this is NOT a Mayuri x OC fic. Miki's just for comical purposes. I don't write OCs for development. If I did, that'll be just about the sickest thing I'd be indulging in right now...

Read and review please.


	6. The Little Things In Life

A/N: Sleepy... very very sleepy... need to study... but writing fan fiction instead...

Disclaimer: Too tired to do that right now...

* * *

Chapter Six: The Little Things In Life.

"The what?" he demanded, barely managing to widen his sleepy eyes.

"You know, I'm seriously beginning to think you're gay..." the Eleventh Captain declared, shaking his head in pity.

He wasn't able to say anything else because Mayuri had picked up a shoe and violently hurled it at Zaraki's face, which managed to hit its target. But considering the man he launched his loafer at was Kenpachi, the crazed smile he forever wore would still be there, and not a single glimpse of pain would reflect on his face.

Yes, Mayuri had failed at inflicting pain.

But the shoe was the best he could get his hands on for the moment.

If they were back at the Seireitei, there would have been a nuclear holocaust at the Eleventh Barracks.

"Why the hell are all of you dancing about in my room?" Kurotsuchi demanded as he got up, eying Jushiro and Kyoraku who pranced about like elves, hand in hand, earning the Twelfth Captain's displeasure. The two hadn't exactly haltered circling each other until Jushiro had opened his eyes and seen Mayuri giving him a very menacing stare. His pace slowed down, at which Shunsui had loudly protested but he too lost his mood when Ukitake pointed the blue-haired Shinigami out for him.

Komamura was present too, and when he realized that the fun began dying down, stopped banging the frying pans together and removed the bucket from his head.

Although it wasn't exactly noticeable on their on their faces, and neither could Kurotsuchi smell alcohol, but they all were acting surprisingly drunk.

He slowly raised a bony finger and pointed towards the door, gesturing to them to leave with whatever dignity remained in themselves.

They heard the door creak open long before anyone reached it to find a puzzled Toshiro standing in the doorway.

"What's with all the commotion?" the boy demanded, his marine-blue eyes skimming the people scattered within the room. He narrowed his eyes at Komamura, who was equipped with kitchen wear, and a dented wash bucket under his arm. It was a good, long and silent moment that he stared at the human gigai of the creature before turning his demanding gaze to Jushiro, whom he felt was the only person in the entire group who could answer a question decently.

"Does Unohana-taicho know they are missing?" he queried, pointing with his thumb to Sajin who let the bucket mask his face again.

"She knows _**nothing**_...!" Kyoraku replied instead, whispering the words like a death-sentence. By the look on his face and how deep and serious his voice was right now, Toshiro had a brief thought that he could be hinting at some forbidden hidden cult, and was trying to convert him. The boy gulped audibly when the Eighth Captain stretched out his hands and reached out for him, like he was going to strangle him. The man edged closer like a looming ghost, his eyes full of a psychotic malice that spelled out 'RAPE'.

He could breath a sigh of relief (and slight bewilderment) when he saw something fly out of the corner of his eye and hit the bearded Shinigami in his left cheek, effectively knocking him to the floor. The youth blinked at a shoe gently rocking beside the unconscious man and looked up to find Kurotsuchi, tossing another shoe lightly in his hand, an expression of satisfaction hinted by his sadistic grin.

"Thanks..." Hitsugaya managed.

* * *

Akon quietly observed from the far end of the room, a lit cigarette dangling off the edge of his lips, filling up his corner with white smoke. This was practically the only space in the Twelfth Barracks, besides his own bedroom and the toilet, could the young man be allowed a few moments of peace and blissful smoke. The stiff, piercing taste of his cigarette added to his indulgence in the rare solitude of his workplace. Of course the lab was often quiet entirely, but it was the thick frustration of the researchers and their complete immersion in the world of numbers and foreign liquids that somehow made the atmosphere around him _loud_. It was stressful to be always surrounded by this tension, which was why the man sometimes broke away from his work and occupied that same, lone corner at the end of the room where no one bothered to look over since the empty space held no importance.

But to Akon, this was important. He couldn't imagine how he would be now without the humble silence of that corner and the soothing taste of nicotine against his tongue.

There was nothing much he'd rather do there. Usually it was just smoke a few puffs, take a look around at his workplace and his colleagues, quickly extinguish the flames when his Captain passed by or glanced over at him, and pop a bubble gum in his mouth to remove the smell. Besides work, this was the typical routine for the young scientist ever since his addiction had began. He'd been slipping away for many years, occupying the emptiness of that end and spent numerous hours simply observing his fellow Shinigami researchers bustling about the large quarters with always something to do.

He had spent so much time just looking at everybody that their almost every single aspect had become etched in his memory. Akon could tell every time Rin tried to fish out a muffin from his pockets in secrecy when he would see the boy stroke his chin once and then cough. He knew when Hiyosu would find any work a burden the moment he would catch his left shoulder leaning lower than the other. And most remarkable of all, the man had actually figured out Lieutenant Kurotsuchi's demeanor as well. He'd never think such a feat could be accomplished, but all those times he would see her one foot pointing the other way, he understood that she was in a hurry, or if she didn't blink when surrounded by a wall of chemicals, he would know that the smell would be irritating her.

The petite woman had, though, remained a difficult person since her creation. Difficult to have a meaningful conversation with, not that Akon was interested in having one with her, but he was getting tired of Lieutenant Matsumoto and Lieutenant Kotetsu's regular complaints about how Nemu refused to socialize. They constantly demanded that her creator inject some emotions in her, and at his refusal, the women then pestered Akon to do the work in secret. The man knew even if he did, Nemu's reformed attitude would definitely hint that someone had been fooling around with the younger Kurotsuchi's system, and Rin would be the bigger idiot and tell on him.

Nemu, despite being so robotic, functioned as a proper human. The Captain wasn't too inhumane to completely withdraw all hormones from her body; after all, she was created for the purpose of establishing a normal (by Mayuri's standards) human life and observe whether she was capable of all human activities. As such, Captain Kurotsuchi was somewhat anxious to become a grandfather... or at least know that she could reproduce. That concept had been confirmed though when some Arrancar (whose name Akon did not choose to remember) had violated the Lieutenant. The rest, as his Captain had described, was unimportant.

So apparently, while Nemu had been designed to be as human as possible (with the exception of her usual personality, which stemmed from her creator's ill treatment of her, and her drill hand), Akon could have expected that she would be just as flawed as one. Typically, in the presence of her Captain, the woman worked like an unstoppable machine. However, without Captain Kurotsuchi around, it seemed as if she had a few loose bolts that needed fixing.

The young researcher removed the cancer stick from his mouth and crushed it beneath his foot. The man knew better to walk around with an incandescent flame around all the technical equipment and the flammable chemicals that decorated nearly every desk in the lab. He quietly paced towards the Lieutenant, hands in his pocket, watching with exasperation as she brought a particular worker a vial full of a suspicious liquid.

"Lieutenant Kurotsuchi," the man called, finally arriving at the work bench. The lady nodded her head in acknowledgment but dare not look him in the eye. She wasn't afraid of him or anything; the girl was just like that.

"Something bugging you?" he demanded, taking the chemical from the ignorant scientist's hand, allowing him to return to his work, and turning it around to observe the contents.

"Nothing."

"You do realize that this is NOT what a welder looks like, do you?" he sighed, pushing the vial towards her in a gesture that she take it away. The girl squinted, an expression of frustration mixed with embarrassment forming on her usually blank face. Any face she made definitely meant that something was bothering her, and Akon was pretty sure that the absence of her Captain was the main cause. The fact that Nemu was behaving this strangely when her 'father' was not here was enough to prove his hunch correct. Added to that, the woman had special reason to worry since there could have been no one here in the Twelfth who did not know how terribly frightened their superior was when he received the notice to depart on his vacation. She was worried how her parent could manage to survive in that dangerous environment.

But then again, the researcher had no time nor the patience to allow one of the greatest assets of the SDRI to keep screwing up her orders. Captain Commander Yamamoto had demanded that the Twelfth begin to develop and construct monitors that would later be mass produced and distributed to all thirteen barracks of the Seireitei. The reason was not provided, although the team at the Twelfth Division had been given a deadline, which was a day before their Captains' vacation ended. Akon knew something was definitely fishy about the entire prospect, considering that the order to build those monitors had been given directly after the Captains had departed. Nonetheless, an order was an order, and the man had to fulfill it, since the entire responsibility of commanding and supervising the Research Bureau was on his shoulders now.

And he could simply not afford Nemu's clumsiness.

"I'm going to be straight here..." the scientist began, his fingers digging into his pockets again, searching for the pack of smokes lost in there. "If you do mind telling me what exactly is troubling you, I'll have to look into the problem myself..."

Sure she was missing her Captain, and Akon was well aware of that, but just because the older Kurotsuchi wasn't present didn't give her any reason to be so clumsy.

"Smoking is forbidden within the premises... Akon-san..." the woman pointed out once the man put in another stick in between his lips. He stopped halfway and looked down at her, displeased that she had to remind him of his foolishness. The guy needed a good puff or two; these days it was easy for him to get annoyed and equally difficult to just pop a stick and inhale the toxic goodness. Right now, Nemu was giving him a headache, and if he didn't address the problem now, he would have to tolerate numerous errors during work.

"Hn..." he groaned, scratching his head, careful to avoid his queer horns. "Okay... let's discuss matters outside..." he suggested, finding it hard to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

"For a walk?" the younger Kurotsuchi demanded.

"Sure... whatever..." he muttered, taking out his lighter and holding it tight in his fist.

"Rin! My pager's on bench 18. Put it somewhere safe!" he called, to which the smaller Shinigami propped up his head from his paperwork.

"Why?" the boy demanded.

"I'm going out with Lieutenant Kurotsuchi here!" he cried back, earning a confused look from the small male's face.

"Then why aren't you taking it with you?"

"Because I don't want you bugging me with those stupid text jokes! And don't play around with it! Its the fifth one this month!"

* * *

_Ding Don-PPPHHHHRRRRRRR!_

"What kind of a door bell is that anyway?" Soi Fon murmured, her cheeks beginning to flush a deep scarlet in sheer embarrassment. Not only was the sound of the bell so shameful, the small woman was more concerned about what whoever was at the door would be thinking. Her thin fingers looped around the knob and slowly turned it open, the click of the lock being droned out by the loud noise of the television. It was playing some strange kind of kids show, like the one with the purple alien this afternoon, although this time, it was a completely different show.

It was about this strange boy wearing a red baseball cap with cylindrical eyes, who was traveling through a forest with two others: a red-head girl and a tall male with dark skin and eyes that resembled Gin's. The trio was accompanied with these strange creatures they could produce out of a sphere that changed sizes; it started about as small as a marble and then grew to the size of a regular tennis ball. There was this large, high pitched, yellow rat-thing that was always at the boy's side. Hitsugaya found this show to be extremely invigorating and had sat on the carpet, nearest to the television (not too close though; Jushiro did not allow for the young Captain to ruin his eye-sight and sit at a distance he considered was safe). As a request by the ill Shinigami, everyone had agreed not to change the channel.

The petite woman quickly paced across the lawn towards the wooden gate, flicking open the latch as she heard the voice of the strange rat from the T.V scream out its name in glee. She pulled open the entrance, staring off into the empty street.

No one here?

Shrugging, she closed back the gate, securing the latch firmly. She turned around only to quickly stop in her steps. Did she see something move?

"Oh hello, Soi Fon..." she heard a familiar voice greet her. It was a small yet heavy voice, that of a man, but once she heard it, Soi Fon immediately recognized it as that of her idol. And considering her voice was rather masculine right now, she'd be in her feline state.

"Y-Y-Yo-ruichi-sama!" the Second Captain stammered, her head twisting about in hopes of catching where her mentor was hidden and prove her worth by unmasking her guise. Right now, that was pretty hard since the mechanical devices Kurotsuchi had set up about the borders of the estate managed to distort the flow of any and all reiatsu, making it extremely difficult for the woman to locate the feline. Additionally, the street lamps did not provide with much light to see through minor things in the lawn.

"Right here..." the merciful male voice came from beneath her feet. Looking down, Soi Fon was able to make out a small shadow and two golden eyes shining through.

"Forgive me, Yoruichi-sama! I did not see you there!" the short woman rambled a sincere apology and fell to her knees before the figure of the cat. "Please, tell me how should I punish myself for you!"

"My... you're really worked up aren't you? This ain't a healthy attitude, seeing that you're here for a vacation..." the animal shook its head in pity.

"Forgive me, Yoruichi-sama!" the Captain cried again, not daring to lift her head from the grass once her mentor directed her to. Thankfully, Yoruichi was aware of that.

"Yeah, whatever... Hey, help me carry this load, will ya?" the cat said, getting up from the ground and delicately padded towards the main door of the house. Soi Fon quickly got to her feet, spotting the the box before her and picking it up.

* * *

"Why on earth would a rat be able to harbor electricity and use it as a weapon?" demanded Byakuya as the credits finally rolled on the screen. He looked over to Zaraki, who was wearing a distasteful scowl on his face for having to watch all that shitty animation. Hardly a proper fight, that was the reason the Sixth Captain assumed the burly man was so angry. Komamura was also seated nearby, but his displeasure was sparked because of the display of animals pitted together in fights. It really disgusted him. Nonetheless, the shrug the nobleman received did not provide him with relief.

No, seriously... How CAN a rat shoot thunder without getting electrocuted first?

"So, who was it?" Ukitake demanded, seeing as Soi Fon entered the lounge, sternness and discipline constituting her walk. At her side, the man was able to spot a black cat. Jushiro was aware that if any black feline walked near their group, it had to be her...

"You're..." the ill Thirteenth Captain pretended to recall her name.

"Yoruichi..." the animal answered anyway.

Hearing the animal call out its own name almost made the observant Hitsugaya's heart leap with joy.

A real Pokemon!11!1one!eleven1!

Contrary to Hitsugaya's heart leaping with unsurpassed happiness, Komamura's heart began beating wildly in absolute ferocity. Because if anyone hadn't figured it out yet, felines were a natural enemy of the Shinigami hound.

The Seventh Captain growled audibly, grabbing onto the coffee table and holding it high above his head. Everyone flew into sheer panic at the animal's sudden outburst, finding themselves helpless now Sajin was aiming the furniture at the small creature. They had all nearly forgotten that beneath that human exterior was still Komamura.

Yoruichi, previously frozen in horror, realized the danger and scampered across and out of the room with the crazed Shinigami following behind. The table crashed nearly inches away from her and that was when she truly panicked. She began sprinting around the place in blind fright, clumsily dodging anything that became aware to her distorted senses, realizing that Komamura was scrambling after her on all fours. Typically, when she saw Mayuri step out from the kitchen, demanding what the fuss was all about, her instincts forced her to find her escape by climbing onto him.

And her claws are quite sharp, might I remind you.

Even Kurotsuchi had little time to make things out. He heard a shout, then more screaming, someone running, then something crashing. And when he had walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway, all he had seen was a wild cat in mid-air, its claws outstretched and flying swiftly towards him. The blue-haired Shinigami had closed his eyes; the only plausible reaction he was capable of in that short moment. And then, he felt the soft fur of the animal against his face. Moments later, this harmless feeling was replaced with excruciating pain.

As would be expected from a man with a cat latched onto his face, Mayuri screamed and tried to pry the animal off his face, only to find it a rather stupid thing to do as the sharp claws managed to rake his skin. The scientist yelled out a curse in his pain, dropping the cat and covering his face with his hands. As he lifted his head again and manged to open his eyes despite the sting of his cuts, the poor man was again unable to do anything as he saw Komamura's gigai now flying towards him.

This time though, the larger Shinigami only pulled him down to the floor, the worst thing happening to Mayuri was that the wind was knocked out of his lungs.

"_Do I really deserve all this?"_ he questioned himself as he swerved between consciousness and blacking out, barely being able to see Komamura lifting himself off of the ground and promptly stutter an apology he could barely hear through the ringing in his head.

"_Maybe I do,"_ the scientist answered for himself, watching as the faint faces of his colleagues gathered above him, the smiles that Zaraki and Shunsui wore quickly fading with his vision.

* * *

Zaraki continued to laugh, accompanied by Shunsui, Hitsugaya and Jushiro as the Fourth Captain returned to the lobby, having locked Sajin in his room after a frightening lecture, holding a tray full of supplies as she strolled in. She was followed by Soi Fon, cradling the traumatized Yoruichi in hand.

"Finally got her off the shelf..." the small Captain explained, placing the feline on the couch, nearly pulling her off of her. Shihouin was twice her size, now that her fur had stood on end.

Unohana put the tray down on the table and stood before Mayuri, who had his eyes barely open. The cat had manged to scratch him over his eyelids.

"Its like the whole world has a vendetta against my face..." the scientist complained through clenched teeth. "Just the face. Not the arms or the legs. Nope. It just HAS to be the face..."

The Fourth Captain reached for a cotton swab and a bottle of disinfectant.

"No!" Kurotsuchi promptly ordered before the woman could even unscrew the cap on the bottle. "I'll take care of it myself..."

Shrugging, Unohana put the things back down again. She turned her head to watch as Soi Fon tried to soothe her former Captain, stroking the quivering animal's back. Shihouin was staring into the space, devoid of any senses for the moment.

"She's still in shock... " the petite woman had said, her face growing grim with worry. "I don't know if we can send her back in this state..."

Kurotsuchi groaned, knowing where this was all going. Even Byakuya had realized that the feline's trauma would prolong her stay, and breathed in exasperation.

"Well if that's right..." the Fourth Taicho had said, knowledgeable of what the two men's frustrated sighs meant. "Yoruichi can stay with us for the night..."

"Wait..." Toshiro gasped, breaking out of his laughter. His eyes shone brighter with the kind of hope one could only see in a child. "The Pokemon stays?"

"She's not a Pokyman!" Soi Fon had snapped, angered at the disrespect the young Captain showed towards Lady Yoruichi by comparing her with that awful breed of SDRI rejects.

"Its _Pokemon_! And how do you know that the Yoruichi is a 'she'?"

"Well..." the Second Captain began, picking up the dazed animal. Before she could point out any specifics, Kurotsuchi, Kuchiki and Unohana had thankfully leaned forward to have her put the cat back on the couch, and Ukitake had cupped his hands over Hitsugaya's eyes, pulling him into a protective embrace while Zaraki and Kyoraku uselessly roared louder with laughter.

* * *

The bright lights of the nighttime rave of the city dimmed out the stars in the sky. Even the streetlamps, with their insufficient glow in the dark of the late night, provided enough light to reveal the four shadows that slipped out of the Shinigami's current residence, quietly scaling the wall, aided by the significantly taller figure. The shadows giggled like school girls as one by one, all four of them made it over the gate. An individual figure had caught his clothes on a splinter and had toppled over. The others snorted, trying to suppress their growing chortles.

"You okay...?" another queried, helping up his fallen comrade.

"Oh my... I almost fainted there... Aw... my shirt..." the former wheezed, stumbling to his feet despite the help of his fellows. "I don't know if its right being so covert... What if she finds out?"

"Don't sweat it, Jushiro..." his friend whispered with excitement. "We'll be back before Unohana-san wakes up..."

The four shadows made their way onto the street and continued in a direction only they knew of, whistling songs about their first adventure in the Living World's strip bars.

* * *

Next time... on _Poison_!

Secrets revealed! Unohana knows!

How will the partying douchebags survive the wrath of the Violent Flower?

What was inside the mysterious package brought to our favorite Shinigami Captains by the mysterious and mischievous Yoruichi?

And has Mayuri's identity been revealed to his greatest of enemies?

Booze!

Boobs!

Betrayals!

All in the next episode of Pokemon!

"Wait, what the fuck?" Mayuri bellowed. "That's not what happens!"

* * *

A/N: Yes this chapter has little or no development in the story line, but it has lots of little details that will be of utmost importance in future chapters, hence the title. I don't expect any praise for this one... but heck if I care.

And thanks to Twoformemories, DynastyWolf, mets986, Laerkstrein (do you know how hard it is to write that?), Lones, Artemis and Schrodinger's Kat for reviewing.

Till another day.


	7. BUSTed

A/N: You know you wanted this...

Disclaimer: I don't own the Bleach that you use for your clothes. I don't own the Bleach that uses zanpakuto. All I own is Takeshi and a strip club.

* * *

Chapter 7: BUSTed

Sleeping troubles never occurred to Unohana. She was in fact a very heavy sleeper. But ever since Kotetsu Isane had joined her division, and ever since she had learned that the young Lieutenant suffered from frequent nightmares, the Fourth Taicho couldn't resist trying to comfort her during her uneasiness. It was a strange motherly instinct that prompted her to take care of her subordinate and she hadn't withheld any effort to wake up during unsocial hours to simply provide her with a little company. Unohana had almost lost count of the many nights she had slipped out of her bed, concocted some tea to keep her awake and sat on the porch of her barracks, waiting for the distraught Kotetsu to arrive.

The practice had become a routine in her life. But now, the situation was slightly different. Isane was back in the Seireitei, and Unohana was here in the World of the Living, supposed to be enjoying her vacation. And out of habit she was awake again in the early morning, a cup of steaming tea in her already warm hands, seated on the porch to look out into the dark sky. Only this time, she didn't expect Kotetsu's sharp face to appear from behind the corner and ask whether she could join her company. She had, various times, foolishly hoped that somehow her Lieutenant would just show up but she knew better to think such things. She understood that the more she thought about it, the more she would miss Seireitei and ruin her vacation for herself.

Her gaze registered upon the sky, dotted with murky, faded stars. She was glad that her current residence was situated in a sleepy part of Karakura Town. The lights here were not as bright as in the urban district, as she could see in the vast distance, so the stars could vaguely be spotted. It was a pity though that the woman could not witness their full gleam as she did every night in the Seireitei, but it was better to see if any of the stars than none at all. Unohana quietly placed the cup between her lips and took a small sip. The brew was strong enough to spread warmth throughout her body and relax her muscles her tired mind.

"Hey lady, give me a sip of your drink!" demanded an annoying, nasal-pitched voice. The moment he was here, Unohana's subtle smile quickly faded into a frown. She lowered down her cup into her lap as Takeshi began to float above her head, constantly demanding that she give him her tea.

Takeshi was an annoying lost soul who wound up near their estate several years ago. He was pudgy and wore glasses that looked too small to sit on his long nose, and sported a hairstyle that his mother had done for him before dying. He must have been around his early forties, though he insisted that he was twenty-one. Nonetheless, whether he was a youth or an old man, it seemed the plus was successful in retaining his pesky attitude, even in death.

The dumb little fuck had crept into the house when everyone was too busy arguing amongst themselves over a subject Unohana had nearly forgotten. Yoruichi had strolled away into the women's bedroom to shield herself from the bombardment of insults and empty beer cans from Mayuri and Zaraki. Takeshi began playing with the light switch and made what would have been passed for scary ghost noises. Much to his disappointment though, the Shinigami that now lived in the house were unfazed by his haunting tactics.

At first, they all had given him good long stares to let him know that he could be seen. When that didn't seem to give the poor plus any idea, Mayuri had tossed an unopened can of beer at him. That was when Takeshi had thrown his hands in front of his face to protect him from the incoming projectile... although, being a ghost, he really didn't have to. But the ordeal had made him realize that these group of people were not really ordinary human beings at all.

"You guys can see me? Hey... what happened to your face? It looks like someone ran a lawn mower over it..." he had demanded as he slowly made his way towards the Shinigami lot, drifting closer to the thin one, with the strange crop of blue hair. Takeshi had reeled back in shock when the man had smacked him upside the head.

"Captain Kurotsuchi, please stop picking on him..." Unohana had sighed, directly addressing him by his real name as the black feline was not present amongst them.

"He asked for it..." the Twelfth Captain had grumbled as the other male Shinigami slowly encircled the unfortunate soul, cracking their knuckles and rolling up their sleeves with vile grins plastered across their faces. The woman sighed again and placed her hands on her hips in defiance as she saw Zaraki hurled a taunt at Takeshi and then proceeded to whack him at the nape of his neck. The plump ghost drifted away from the large brute, only to bump into Byakuya. Although he maintained his stone expression, the soul couldn't help but ignore the dark shades growing in the Captain's eyes.

"Make sure he pisses himself..." Zaraki had said as Takeshi began to quake uncontrollably in Kuchiki's presence.

"Hell no!" Kurotsuchi protested. "Who's gonna clean it up?"

"You," the Eleventh Captain replied.

"Oh, there is no way in hell that you're gonna drop all of this on my head again, Captain Zaraki..."

"I do whatever the hell I want..."

"Now you listen here...!"

"I don't need to listen to...!"

And then followed another pointless argument that somehow got the other males involved as well. Too tired and frustrated to scold the group, Unohana had, accompanied by Soi Fon and Toshiro, walked out of the room. Unfortunately for her, the pesky soul had decided to bother her once he slipped away from the squabble.

"Hey thanks for standing up to me, lady..." Takeshi had cried in his high pitched voice that nearly caused her to cringe. It was out of politeness that she did not show her discomfort to him. Regrettably, Soi Fon and Hitsugaya had already snuck away into the kitchen, leaving the Fourth Captain to fend for her own.

"What's you name?" the Fourth Taicho calmly demanded.

"Takeshi Soto..." he replied.

"And wha-"

"I died a couple of years ago so I came over here and started living in that tree but I also sometimes sleep in the kitchen cupboard actually I always sleep in the kitchen cupboard because if I slept in that tree the sun would be in my eyes so I sleep in the kitchen cupboards from four in the morning till seven in the evening because I have to haunt people in the night because that's when I'm the scariest but its funny that you people didn't get scared you know its even funnier that you can see me I mean people usually don't see me because I'm a ghost and all then I guess you must be special people if you can see me like psychics and stuff..." he finally gulped some air.

"Well..." Unohana started, recovering from her surprise. "You sure-"

"Also I'm available..." he interrupted again. Normally the woman would have given a subtle scolding to anyone who had interrupted her, but the creepy longing stare Takeshi was giving her, a look Shunsui had once described to her as the Rape Face, kept her from speaking another word. Waving a hand in acknowledgment, she quickly bade the soul farewell. Much to her dismay, the soul didn't understand that she wanted him gone and there was rather nothing she could do about it since she did not posses her zanpakuto. Takeshi had actually floated a little closer to her.

It must have been a miracle, but either way, Unohana was thankful that the angry group of men realized that the soul was missing and arrived in the hallway where the Fourth Captain was cornered.

"GET HIM!" Kyoraku cried and the group, with the exception of Kurotsuchi, who scoffed and walked out of the front door, rushed towards the ghost who successfully soiled himself. The ordeal gave Unohana enough time to slip away, feeling not the slightest bit guilty at Takeshi's pained cries.

The whole incident had occurred three hours ago. Right now, besides her, everyone else was sound asleep. Ah, yes. That reminded her that Captain Kurotsuchi was still gone. Since the argument, he had left the estate and hadn't returned yet. Although she'd never imagined it, but the Fourth Taicho did find herself a little worried where and for how long her colleague had gone away. Yoruichi was kind enough to deliver the group soul pagers, but Kurotsuchi was yet to make a call. She told herself she had no need to get herself worried. There was no way Mayuri was going to call anyway, unless it was an emergency. It was safe to assume that he was all right then.

"Hey ladyyyy..." Takeshi cried.

"No," she quickly replied, taking a small sip, trying to forget that he was here. After all, the woman had come here expecting some time in solitude.

"But I'm thirsty...!"

"I'm not telling you this because I don't want you to..." she lied. "You can't drink anything, Takeshi. The fluid will pass right through you..."

"But I'm thiiiirstyyyy!"

"Its not possible-" Unohana's words came to a quick stop as her eyes darted towards the main gate. Did she see something move? She put her cup down on the porch and got up on her feet, making her way towards the gate.

"What was that...?" she meant to ask herself, but only managed to provoke the annoying plus even further.

"What is it? C'mon! What is it? Tell me! Please! Please! Please!" he pestered as he floated after her. The Fourth Taicho lifted herself on her toes in order to reach what she realized was a piece of torn cloth, caught between a splinter in the wood. She observed the cloth, finding it to be a part of a shirt.

"Ooh! I know what that is!" Takeshi exclaimed.

"What?" Unohana demanded, definite worry lacing her tone.

"Give me a sip of your drink-"

"Just drink the whole thing and tell me what's going on?"

Takeshi smiled.

"Oh it belongs to one of those jerks that beat me up today you know the sick guy right and I'm not lying because I saw them and I had my glasses on too so that made me see everything clearly that those four guys the two big ones and the sick one and the guy that looked like Jesus jumped over the wall I guess one of them tore their shirt or something I'm not really sure because they were singing this really catchy song about going to a stripper joint I even remembered the song hey you wanna listen I can sing real good and wait where you going lady...?"

The fat ghoul diligently followed her, and would have tailed her into the house as well if he hadn't spotted the cup of herbal tea sitting complacently on the wood of the porch. Takeshi's eyes trailed the gentle column of steam that rose from it and hovered low enough to take in a whiff of its pleasant aroma. His pale fingers wrapped themselves around the cup and he gently lifted it near to his nose, indulging in the smell of the tea. He tilted the cup on the edge of his lips and let the drink pour out...

And pass through the other end, unprocessed by his incapable form. He bowed his head in dejection.

* * *

Unohana raced to the top of the stairs, careening on a turn and rushing towards the other end of the corridor. If anyone had the cunning and the guts to pull off such a ridiculous midnight adventure, it had to be Shunsui. No other Captain besides him could have convinced the others to join in; of all people, he even managed to rope Jushiro in, described by Takeshi as the sick guy. There was no doubt about it. And there were two others involved in this escape other than the Eighth and Thirteenth Captain. The ghost had mentioned two tall Shinigami; the woman wasn't sure whether Mayuri was included in this, but he was also gone from the house.

Her stomach twisted. Not with worry or fright for the safety of her fellow Captains but with profound anger. It was a miracle how Unohana had not thrown a tantrum. No. She was too good for that. Once she would find out where the band of naysayers had skipped off to, they'd receive the worst of her wrath. And how would she find a lead? Shunsui's room of course. Even his perverted senses weren't sharp enough to sniff out the nearest stripper house. He must have had some references before taking this decision.

Oh, Kyoraku would regret the day he thought he would fool Unohana this easily.

Taking a firm grip on the door knob, she thrust it open and quickly ran her hand over the switch board. As the lights in the room came alive, Unohana was surprised (and awfully embarrassed) that she had broken into the wrong room. Byakuya had let out a small shriek and then, gathering his sheets, covered his bare chest. Instead of finding a rapist standing in the doorway like he usually did, it was the Fourth Taicho that was looking back at him, equally startled.

"Sorry... wrong room..." the woman muttered an apologetic explanation and quickly shut the door, not bothering to receive Kuchiki's reaction. She fumbled over the door _next_ to Byakuya's and immediately stormed inside. Snuggled in the two beds lay very human like figures.

"What does he think I am? A five year old?" she demanded from herself and approached one bed which looked like it belonged to Jushiro. The stains of blood that marked his territory fortified that thought. The Fourth Captain took a hold of the sheet and pulled it off, finding, as she had expected, two pillows lined on the bed. A frown graced her face.

"Unohana-taicho...?" Kuchiki demanded as he slowly walked in, so shaken from his rude awakening that he had wrapped his blanket over him like an elderly sick man would wrap a mantle in the cold. The woman was sprinting to every corner of the room, opening up every drawer, tossing every article of clothing and even managing to flip through the dirty magazines Kyoraku had sneaked in with him. "Is every thing alright?"

"It won't be when I get my hands on them..." Byakuya could have sworn that she had growled. Skimming through another magazine, Unohana suddenly looked up at him.

"You're here..." she had said. "And they couldn't have taken Captain Hitsugaya and Captain Soi Fon. That just leaves Captain Zaraki, Captain Kurotsuchi and Captain Komamura..."

"What's going on here...?" the quivering man exclaimed, clutching the fabric and pulling it closer to his body. "You're scaring me...!"

The Fourth Captain had opened her mouth to say something but was quickly distracted when something slipped out of the magazine and fell at her feet. She turned her gaze towards the floor, finding that 'something' to be a pamphlet. She bent down and picked it up, holding it near to her face. That was when her frown suddenly turned into a deep scowl. Kuchiki could almost feel himself fainting the longer he remained in her presence.

"I know where they are..." she had said, turning the small brochure over so that the other Captain could have a look at what it was about. Printed in bright, bold words, above the figure of a scantily clad female holding to a pole, was the name of the bar: XXX Golden Club.

The Sixth Captain just didn't understand the situation. Here Unohana was storming through every bedroom, looking for the-King-knows-what while Shunsui and Ukitake were missing. His eyes drifted over to one of the beds, and squinted in surprise when he saw the pillows neatly positioned lengthwise within the sheets. Had the two done something? Could be. If Unohana was angry then he was sure that those two were practically doing something wrong. Heck, they even tried pulling off the 'decoy pillow trick'; they must have been really desperate. But whatever they had planned, it was sure that the Fourth Captain had caught on to them, and the tiny little pamphlet that she held in her hands had all the answers she needed.

Byakuya would have asked her what that pamphlet was about but chose to drop his question when he heard the sound of the front door open. Unohana swiftly made her way out of the room and down the stairs with the nobleman following shortly behind. The two had expected that perhaps the group of missing Shinigami had returned but were disappointed to see only one person enter the house, that said individual being Mayuri.

The scientist looked up to find Kuchiki and Unohana glaring down at him from the steps of the stair case, the scowls on their faces clearly indicating that he tell them where he had gone to.

Mayuri had no idea what was going on.

"What...?" he demanded.

* * *

"Look, I seriously had no involvement in this!" he exclaimed but lowered his voice when Byakuya made a gesture to quiet down. Of course. Toshiro and Soi Fon were still asleep in their respective rooms and it would be extremely inconvenient to have them woken up at this hour. The Second Division Captain was no real issue though, but it was Hitsugaya that would prove bothersome. He was still a child and pulling him into discussions about strippers was highly inappropriate. It was a wonder how he was still pure despite having a Lieutenant like Matsumoto. Well nonetheless, this little discussion had to do with Mayuri, who seriously had no hand in Kyoraku and company's little trip. But of course, Unohana and Kuchiki were not convinced.

Oh when will this cruel author have mercy on Kurotsuchi?

Lets wait until day nine, shall we?

"Why would I go to sleaze bar anyway?" he demanded, trying to justify his point. The query actually managed to work against Kurotsuchi. The two interrogating Shinigami lifted their brows as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Okay, I get it..." the Twelfth Taicho admitted. "But really I've seen so many naked bodies in my own work that it lost its appeal..."

Byakuya exchanged glances with his female counterpart.

That came out wrong.

But Kuchiki was wise to ignore the comment.

"How come your gigai's all fixed up?" the nobleman demanded.

"I went out for some supplies, no shit..." Mayuri sighed in exasperation. "Stopped by in a hotel to fix it..."

"Why a hotel...?"

"Do you really want me to open up a corpse in front of that brat?" he argued. Kuchiki hesitantly nodded in compliance.

It was obvious that whatever work the scientist needed to do on his gigai he did it in his room and at this hour, it would be rather inconvenient; what with all the squishy sounds the faux body would make when a hand would be forced inside a cut made through its chest. In accordance to making a whole lot of noise, Mayuri also did his work rather messily. It would have been a real fright for Captain Hitsugaya if he, say, woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and stepped into something really nasty. Of course the young Shinigami had his fair share of battles and seen more blood that most youths his age, yet to see one of Kurotsuchi's experiments was one ordeal no one could allow the silver-haired boy to go through.

It was remarkable though how the morbid Shinigami left no mess behind after he was done. Proof of that was how not a single stain of red could be spotted on him, and his wounds had been so effectively treated that no one could have ever guessed that a cat had attacked his face.

The scene played back in Kuchiki's head and a ghost of a smile crept up on his face.

"Well even if you hadn't accompanied Captain Kyoraku and the others..." Unohana had added after moments. "Your involvement is clear since you did not tell me of this beforehand..."

"Unohana-san..." the blue-haired Shinigami groaned, too tired of the accusations. He rubbed his eyes with the tips of his fingers in exhaustion, sighing loudly. "They're grown men, they have the right to do whatever they want..."

The woman had opened her mouth to retort but pursed back her lips when she chose to ponder over what Mayuri had said. And the more she did, the more she couldn't help feel that he was right. Indeed, what Kyoraku and Company were doing was not something Unohana would approve of in any case, but really, what business did she have with what they preferred to do? After all, they were here for a vacation to enjoy themselves, and if that meant for a certain band of Shinigami that this enjoyment could be derived from watching women take off their clothes, then so be it. Unohana had no duty nor obligation to exert her control over them; they were individuals with their own rights.

That is, if they didn't wind up doing something illegal that would have them arrested by the local authorities, Unohana didn't need to clamp down on their activities until then.

She sighed, a directive that she agreed with the blue-haired man.

"You can go..." she said, at which the Twelfth Captain heaved himself out of the couch and made his way out of the den.

"Do you at least have any idea when they'll be back?" she demanded just as Kurotsuchi turned through a corner.

"Is Jushiro with them?" he called from the other side of the room, the sounds of light footsteps being audible to the pair that still remained in the main lounge.

"Yes..."

"Soon then..."

* * *

_Domo Arigato, Mister Robato..._

"Now _this_...!" the Eighth Captain declared over the sounds of the music. "_This_ is the real deal..."

Seated beside him sat a very complacent Komamura, his human face fixed in a very stern expression. Even the wavy haired blonde that at first danced in his lap realized that this new customer was just not in the mood and had quietly left him at peace. Though his bearded friend was a much more enthusiastic and participative fellow. A busty female lifted her leg and pulled off her stocking, tossing it away to her side. Kyoraku leaned forward and slipped a note into a her G-string. She immediately turned around her pole and began dancing.

"Its not those same old hags in their Kimono back in the Seireitei..." he continued. "These girls are wearing leather!"

Taking a sip of his beverage he turned his head towards his companion to receive the smile he'd be wearing, but was taken aback at how disappointed Sajin looked.

"What's the matter? You're not liking this?" he demanded, raising his voice so he would be heard over the music.

Komamura sighed and then pinched the bridge of his nose. Looking back up at the scantily clad female dancing in front of him, he shook his head in reply.

"Why not?" he cried, outraged. "What's not to like about naked girls?"

"Nothing..." came the reply.

"Say what?"

"I said 'nothing'..." Sajin declared, getting up from his seat, causing the other Shinigami to stare wide eyed at him in disbelief.

"Oh how would you know anyway!" Shunsui argued back, waving him off with a flick of his wrist. He turned to face the dancer again, taking a large gulp of his cocktail. "At least the rest of us are enjoying this..."

"No," the Seventh Captain declared, at which his friend turned around in his chair again. He pointed to the opposite direction of the club where Kenpachi could be vaguely seen, preferring to remain at the bar. Indeed, he did look aloof; heck he wasn't even bothering to stare at the busty bartender who stood mixing a drink and handing it over to him. "He got bored of this half an hour ago..."

"Well at least we still have Jushiro... by the way, where is he? I haven't seen him around here for ages..."

Komamura turned his head in all directions, hoping to spot a streak of white amongst the sea of men and women in the bar. It was, of course, due to his unique hair color that the ill man would have been easy to find, and the anthropomorphic Shinigami was well aware of that. But since that mane of silver could not be found, Sajin realized that Jushiro was not here. After quite a while of looking about, even Kyoraku was turning every other way to locate his comrade, yet the two were in vain. Where was he any way?

Did something happen to him? When they did sneak out of their estate, Jushiro had become exhausted from scaling the wall. He had mentioned that he felt faint but went along anyway. The two became worried if he had suffered from another bout of violent coughs and perhaps fell unconscious somewhere... maybe in the bathroom. Deep worry settled into the hearts of the two Shinigami as all sorts of thoughts now flooded into their minds.

Shunsui cursed himself for making everyone jump over the gate instead of just opening it like a sensible retard.

"You tell Kenpachi!" he ordered, with Sajin nodding his head in acknowledgment. He quickly left his seat and pushed himself through the crowd, heading toward the rest room first to search for his missing friend.

But apparently, it seemed as if the author was too tired to write any further, so you – the reader – was made to wait for the next chapter...

* * *

A/N: Just a little birthday gift for myself because I needed consolation when I figured out National Beiber Day is on my birthday. Screw my sister for telling me that. Anyway, its going to be Mayuri's birthday this thirtieth. Awesome! I'm nineteen days older than him :P

Okay, special mentions to those who reviewed:

**spinwitch** – Yeah I know, I just tend to screw up the characters and make them REALLY OOC because I'm a retard and just find it obligatory to turn everyone else into retards as well. Just wait until day 2 of their vacation... Oh and thanks.

**frik1000** - Thanks for the review, mate.

**d** – Well you just have to wait to find out, now don't you?

**Miharu Hachiko** - Yesh, he is amazing, and thank you for the review.

**Furionknight** - Well look no further!

P.S: Just a little question though. Should I make this an M rated fic or its okay for a T rating? If anyone reviews, please care to give your opinion.


	8. A Friend In Need

A/N: YES! I am NOT dead! I'm so glad I'm done with this chapter. I don't care if it's crude or pathetic; I just don't! Writer's Block is a hell so be glad that I've updated. Now that my mind is in order, quality stuff is on its way!

Disclaimer: Not getting sued today, bitchez!

* * *

Chapter Eight: A Friend in Need

"Ugh..." Kurosaki Isshin groaned, grabbing a hold of his pyjamas and pulling them up his indecent legs. He removed himself from his bed and slowly slipped his feet into his comfy Pikachu slippers, growling louder the more the door bell rang.

"I'm coming!" he called, but in vain as the rude guest kept raping the bell. Muttering an insult, he dragged himself out of his room. He must have been walking at an incredibly slow pace for after what seemed like five minutes of constant ringing, the bells finally came to a stop. Smiling to himself, the doctor turned on his heels, hoping to return to the welcoming quarters of his bed.

"It's for you..." he heard Karin snap very rudely. He looked over his shoulders to see his dark-haired teenage daughter climb up the stairs, wearing an indignant scowl meant for her father. Sighing, Isshin closed the door to his bedroom, knowing that a peaceful sleep would have to wait a while.

Usually at such an hour, most patients headed towards Ryuken's big ass hospital for treatment since the place was open for 24 hours, 7 days a week. A small clinic like Isshin's never really received any night-time emergencies; the occurrences were rather rare. Still, the old man had dealt with such situations, and this one night was going to be no less. Well of course, Kurosaki wasn't the same man he used to be four years ago. He was surprised how age had caught up to him, leaving him less capable than he was. Even as he stumbled towards the waiting room, he had to constantly rub his eyes to keep him from falling asleep in his walk and falling to the floor.

At times like these, he couldn't help but wish that his son just get his damn doctorate and license already. The sooner he'd graduate, the sooner Ichigo would take over his business.

But that was a thing he'd have to wait considerable time for. He had no reason to just sit around and do nothing until his son received his education; until then, everything had to be done by himself. Right now though, what he needed to do was to head into the waiting room where Karin always seated the patients and assess the predicament. Isshin hoped that it wasn't too much of a serious case. All he wanted was to just get this done and over with.

But as he stepped into the room, the older Kurosaki was taken aback to see two very familiar faces amongst a group of four.

"Captain Ukitake...?" he demanded, his eyes widening when he recognised that sharp, pale face, looking back at him with indignant fright and worry. His eyes travelled to the others, easily familiarizing himself with Kyoraku's drunken eyes and characteristic beard, but the remaining two husky gentlemen were none he could recall. Although the slightly shorter and beautiful one looked comparatively relaxed, Isshin was startled to see the latter. Not only did he have a frightening visage, but his unkempt hair that cascaded down his face made him seem mad.

Madness, though, was not something Isshin would immediately note about him. In fact, the man looked more bored out of his mind than outright crazy. Perhaps the only ones that really were in a state of delusional panic were Jushiro and, more or less, Shunsui.

"You see...!" the Eighth Captain hiccupped, trying to straighten himself in his chair but only slumping back further. "I knew this was that same Kurosaki's joint..."

"You guys look beat!" the doctor exclaimed, walking into the room and taking a chair himself. "What in hell happened...? And why are you here in the World of the Living anyway? It's not anything serious is it? Should I get Ichigo-?"

"Relax!" Kenpachi grunted, finding his questions to be too nosy. "We're here for a goddamned vacation..."

Isshin found Zaraki's interruption to be rather rude. Averting his gaze from the silver-haired Shinigami, he gave the burly man a quizzical glare.

"Who're you?" he demanded.

"Captain of the Eleventh Division..." Zaraki stated his rank with a slight snarl, prompting the human to gulp. Had Kurosaki known that he was the Captain of the 'Barracks of the Other Side', he wouldn't have even dared to prompt a conversation with this new Kenpachi.

"Oh, Captain... heh..." the doctor fumbled. Finding that he had already incurred the displeasure of the beast, he quickly delved into his mind to find a topic suitable to calm the other, for he could sense that a painful ass-kicking could well be on its way.

"Enjoying yourself, Captain?" he demanded, wearing such a broad ridiculous grin that he swore his teeth could be spotted from the moon. Much to his dismay, he saw Kenpachi's frown deepen into a scowl, a sign that Isshin had failed in great misery. Added to that, Zaraki's gaze lowered and he squinted in disgust. Confused, Kurosaki too looked down to find the bright yellow Pikachu slippers adorn his feet. Blushing furiously, he slipped the footwear off and pushed them under the chair.

"No time for small talk, Kurosaki!" Ukitake whispered so harshly that it almost made the human jump with a start. "Hide us!"

"Hide you?" the doctor blinked, perplexed at the ill Shinigami's strange demand. "From what?"

"The police!" Kyoraku chimed in. At the mere mention of the law, Isshin rose from his seat in panic. His eyes widened in surprise, wondering what the lot were up to that they managed to draw the attention of the police. Suddenly, Kurosaki had the idea that they might have been doing something illegal. But when the thought did not coincide with the general conduct of Shinigami, and those as diligent as Ukitake in the least, he assumed that perhaps the matter lied somewhere else. He looked over to the Kenpachi of the Eleventh Division and, observing his bored face, thought if he had perhaps killed someone, like most members from the Eleventh do. He then brought his gaze to Kyoraku, after which realisation hit him.

Alcohol...

These guys were probably out partying at such an hour and had gotten themselves into a tight squabble.

Gulping, Isshin sat back down when Shunsui and Jushiro hissed through clenched teeth for him to not react so brashly.

"The police...?" Isshin too began to whisper, but found that it was of no practical use when Karin stormed into the waiting area, carrying a tray full of tall glasses of soda.

"Police, huh?" she declared, walking up to Kenpachi and offering him the drink which he quietly took. "Boy, have you gotten yourself in a stiffy..."

As if on cue, the lot of people heard the distinct voice of sirens roar in the distance, the sound getting louder with each passing moment.

"Aw shucks!" the female Kurosaki cried, using her trademark deadpan tone. Having distributed the beverages, she plopped into a vacant chair, holding her own glass. "Hide under the tables. I heard they're incapable of looking under furniture..."

"Save us, Isshin!" Jushiro cried, leaning out of his chair and clutching the human's pyjamas as Kyoraku, much to Karin's amusement, foolishly slipped under a coffee table. The larger Shinigami, though, were unmoved and sat complacently, sipping away at their drinks. Kenpachi's eyes travelled to the female, contemplating how much her attitude resembled Kurotsuchi's. The girl, though, mistook his intentions and assumed he was staring because he was a pervert. Placing the glass to her lips, she flashed him a very unpleasant hand gesture as she took a large gulp.

Kenpachi mentally nodded to himself and looked back down into his now empty glass.

"Can't you guys just shunpo-away or something?" Isshin demanded and blinked in confusion when Ukitake declared that they couldn't.

"Our gigai consume spiritual pressure so we don't exactly have any of our Shinigami capabilities..." Sajin cared to explain, having chosen to speak after a considerable amount of time. Isshin was somewhat taken aback when he realised that the handsome one had the ability of speech, after all. "And if we take them off, we will manage to attract a swarm of hollow to Karakura..."

"Oh my..." Isshin muttered at the predicament. "But I'm surprised why you people are actually worrying about the police..."

"_You people_...?" they heard Shunsui slur from under the table but chose wisely to ignore him. Unknown to them, though, the drunkard had reached for the Pikachu slippers under Kurosaki's chair and stuffed them into his shirt. Karin had seen the theft, but chose not to alert her father.

She despised those slippers...

"It's not your law enforcers that have us worried!" the ill Captain cried. "If Unohana-san finds out that we have the police tailing us, she'll skin us alive!"

Isshin was at a loss of words to say. When the Shinigami mentioned that their adventure might incur the fury of Captain Retsu Unohana, the doctor's throat went dry. He silently looked on at his old comrade, hoping that somehow Ukitake would understand that the former did not want to get his hands dirty if the Fourth Captain disapproved. Unohana was a frightening woman; Kurosaki was aware of that, but so was this lot of Reapers. The human wondered what foul play God had done to have him tangled in such a mess.

Shinigami.

The police.

Unohana.

This night was going to be nerve-racking...

Isshin opened his mouth to refuse his old friend some much needed aid but quickly went silent as did everyone else when they heard the door bell ring again. So thick was the silence that they could almost hear Jushiro quiver.

"Damn, it's the buzz!" Shunsui hissed from under the table and then rolled into a ball to better camouflage himself against the shadow under the furniture. Much to his ignorance, the coffee table was obviously too small to hide him completely, prompting a pitiful sigh from Karin who found him rather sad than amusing now. She looked up at her father, mentally ordering him to receive whoever it was at the door. Isshin, through his eyes, denied the command and frowned back at her as if trying to say he was afraid of getting involved in the matter. Rolling her eyes, the female Kurosaki lifted herself from the chair.

"Well if you're not gonna let them in..." she breathed, pacing towards the entrance of the waiting area but suddenly stopped in her tracks. She turned around, directing her query towards Jushiro.

"Say, if you get caught and this Unohana person will make skin carpets out of you..." she rudely implored. "Can I have your sword thingy?"

"...What...?" Ukitake demanded, genuinely confused at the request. Finding that her taunt had failed, she rolled her black eyes again and helped herself into her slippers, ignoring the protests of her father to open the door. He was lucky, though, that Shunsui had whispered to the handsome Shinigami to stop her.

The Seventh Captain leapt to his feet and rushed after Karin, catching her by the waist and pulling her away from the entrance. Ignoring the rather colourful protests of the young lady, Sajin kept his fingers firmly on her shirt and proceeded to pace backwards in order to keep her as far away from the entrance as possible.

"I cannot allow you to go, Miss..." Komamura had stated once he turned her around, the hands of his gigai clutching her back. The female Kurosaki found herself to be in a tight hold against the large man, her hands resting on his chest. She was close enough to feel his breath and the unnatural beating of his heart. At first, she grimaced visibly at this awful treatment, but as her eyes fell upon his beautiful features, she could have sworn she had forgotten to breathe.

The world around her suddenly fell silent and dark, such emptiness being occupied by none but her and this new stranger. Trapped within that timeless, endless void, all Karin could do was stare into the blue pools of his eyes...

_**What a thrill...**_

_**With darkness and silence through the night...**_

Karin had heard a voice sing within the confines of her world with violins, saxophones and pianos accompanying the words.

_**What a thrill...**_

_**I'm searching, and I'll melt into you...**_

"Hey thanks, buddy...!" she heard her father's voice disrupt the dream, who whizzed past the two, patting Sajin on the back. For some reason, when Isshin had given him the pat, she saw the Shinigami's face break into a giddy smile and a pink tongue rolled out of his mouth, much like a hound when his fur would be stroked.

The younger Kurosaki twisted her nose in confusion.

"Just wait here, okay?" the doctor requested before exiting the room, hearing Kyoraku belch in response. Inhaling deeply, the human readied himself for a conversation with the police, leaving his very disgruntled daughter amidst the Shinigami.

Having lost her reasons to fall in love just as quickly and suddenly she had discovered them, Karin scowled in great disdain and fell back into a chair, folding her arms across her chest to better signify her anger.

* * *

"Thank you very much, Kurosaki Isshin!" the Thirteenth Captain declared, although slightly still shaky from the fright of having the police wind up at their only haven. The former Shinigami did not seem much too happy though, what with cops asking him questions at his own doors with a very cruel daughter giving the new comers some subtle hints. After bathing himself in sweat and tell off Karin upon whom his words had no effect, the poor doctor had arrived at the dining table where the Captains had taken seat.

Shunsui was out cold, drooling all over the table. When Kurosaki had pointed it out that they would have to carry the sleeping Shinigami all the way back to their own abode, Kenpachi simply shook his head, saying that they had other methods. Isshin was taken aback as the beastly Captain from the Eleventh Division rammed a fist right into Kyoraku's head. The bearded man promptly woke up, screaming "METAL GEAR!" while taking a hold of his skull.

"How did you all get into this mess anyway?" the human made the mistake of asking. By look on Jushiro's face, he was sure that they had really gone too far.

"It's a very..." the ill man tried to conjure the exact word to describe exactly how they had wound up with the police chasing them. After a few hand gestures and opening and closing his mouths several times, Jushiro decided that an understatement would have to do for now. "... odd little story..."

What followed was a rather convoluted tale of sacrifice and betrayal, where the four Shinigami Captains had to face their eventual fears that were a hindrance to attaining the completion of peace within their souls; strife through bravery and victory through humbleness, the chronicle didn't deserve a better ending than the value of love they all earned in the end. Since the readers failed to understand the undying heroism and beauty woven into Ukitake's words, the sexylicious Mr. Havik decided to retell it in more simplified words for the modern age.

Shunsui was the first to locate his missing friend in a comparatively convenient location. It was convenient because the other two larger men were forced to look in trickier places. Kenpachi had tried several times to sneak into the dressing rooms fearing that Ukitake had been mistaken for a stripper what with his feminine visage. He walked out with a red hand print on his cheek and a big smile on his face. Sajin chose to crawl under the tables, where he was suspected of doing some illegal things and was pulled out by an angry guard. So in light of what the others were made or preferred to do, Kyoraku got an easy pick and quickly discovered the ill man out in the back alley with a group of strippers huddled around him.

Once Shunsui declared that Jushiro was the ultimate pimp, the latter denounced the title, unveiling that his reasons for initially joining him on a trip to the sleaze bar were completely opposite of what was assumed. Apparently the Captain with the silver mane had convinced all those beautiful visual prostitutes that, as women, they had a chance to become part of a healthier society. At that point, a girl with black curls announced that she wanted to become a hair stylist, soon followed by other female voices who declared their passions and ambitions with full hearts (and boobs). Shunsui wasn't hesitant to declare that his friend was a snivelling bastard, complete with a hateful yet drunken glare.

But of course, something just had to happen to make their night go from bad to bat fuck insane.

Just as the two Shinigami locked themselves into silly little argument, the manger had stormed in on them, accusing Jushiro of trying to kidnap his money-makers. Kenpachi and Sajin had already gotten themselves in a pickle and listed the Eighth and Thirteenth Captains as their companions. Finding these hot blooded girls with them, there was only little the unpleasant manager could assume (which, in fact, was actually right). The Eighth and Thirteenth Captains both slipped through the clutches of the thugs that lunged at them and ran back inside, finding that Zaraki and Komamura had taken the initiative to fight some of the burly security off. All seemed relatively well until someone called the cops. From there on, the Shinigami had to make a run for it.

Within the past forty minutes they had managed to dodge the police (it could have been longer if they let Kenpachi lead the way back to the house). Had they been caught, Unohana would have been sure to find out and they would find themselves back in the Seireitei without using the Senkai Gate. Such a fearful fate, though, was avoided as they were able to shake them off their trail after running through every corner they could lay their eyes on. Coincidentally, they had come across the sign painted above Isshin's door; Kyoraku was quick to recognize the name Kurosaki and suggested to hide out there for the while.

And that was how Isshin got unwillingly involved in their troubles.

Too much you say?

Well it could have been worse. They could have been, raped you know...

"Why am I even supporting you?" Isshin cried out, nursing his forehead in his calloused palms. "With you guys doing antics like these, I wouldn't be surprised if Old Man Yamamoto would tear his beard off!"

"Yeah..." Shunsui tried, eyeing the table with a nervous smile. "It wasn't pretty when he pulled the hair off his head..."

"They never grew back!" Kenpachi piped up. "And besides, what you did back then was _wa~y_ worse than tonight!"

"I'm still shocked every time I think of that..." the drunkard murmured staring off into the distance with eyes as large as dinner plates.

"Okay, okay!" the old Kurosaki stated with his palms up to his face. "What happen, so happened... now get the hell out of my house so I can go to sleep...!"

Ukitake was first to get up from his seat and took a quick bow, something which the other Shingami failed to grace the doctor's hospitality with.

"We'll be on our way..." the ill man announced as he took his leave, the other lazy males following him. Isshin rested his chin in his hand, wearing a tired look as he saw the figures retreat, shaking his head mentally.

"And don't barge into my house the next time you screw up!" he called, unsure whether his short-staying guests had even heard that.

* * *

"Oh, you look so tired!" Unohana faked her surprise, forming her mouth in an "O". She glided across the room, leaning forward a little as she passed by the haggard Shinigami with heads either in their hands or placed on the table. Komamura and Ukitake definitely seemed exhausted, but the latter was an exception since his disease had made the tiredness an undying part of his personality. It was Sajin who hadn't received enough sleep but was already up at this hour owing to his biological clock. The only ones who really were hung over were none other than Kenpachi and Shunsui, the daring and very mischievous duo (dangerous could also be added, but we're not talking about Mayuri right now).

Kyoraku groaned. Even if he was a champion drinker and got drunk more than once in a day, that did not exempt him from the terror that accompanied the drinking every morning. Right now, he was the one with his head against the table while Kenpachi looked absolutely pathetic staring out at the ceiling. Eventually, the flaring lights made his head throb and he was forced to pull his hands over his red, bulging eyes.

Toshiro was also at the table, but he was silently munching away on a waffle, too nonchalant to care about what the elders were up to.

Pfft... Like he cared... *shifty eyes*

"But I thought you were sleeping soundly all night; what happened?"

"Mayuri told on us, didn't he..." Sajin demanded from the giggling Unohana. The Eighth Captain lifted his head, holding it in his hands as the mere movement caused his vision to spin. His face held a surprised look, eyeing his colleague who nodded in reply to the question directed at her by Komamura.

"That little..." the bearded Shinigami began but sighed instead when he decided that it would require too much of an effort to be angry. He simply lowered his head onto the table again and hid it with his arms, uncaring that Unohana was reacting completely opposite of what they had assumed when she would find out.

"Well, it was a boring visit anyway..." the hound in the handsome gigai griped, folding his arms across his wide chest. "I don't see what gets you all excited about seeing females naked. Animals don't wear clothes, but you don't see me drooling whenever they pass by! Sometimes I even wonder why I am made to wear clothes. Or why even humans wear clothes!"

"What?" Toshiro demanded with a raised brow, crumbles of his chewed waffle spewing from his lips. Jushiro suddenly leapt to his side, covering the youth's ears as he issued a very sheepish and a very fake laugh.

"You should thank him. However unpleasant he is, he did convince me to let you off easy..." Retsu said after the displeased Hitsugaya's hearing was taken care of, moving towards the counter and placing a pack of easy-made breakfast into the microwave oven.

Shunsui murmured something unintelligible, but no one cared enough to ask him of it again. Besides, he was tired like hell.

"And where is that slimy asshole, so that I can write him a thank you note?" Kenpachi demanded with a rare sarcastic tone, cocking his head back only to lower it again after his eyes began to hurt.

"Sleeping in his room, like you all should have been..." the woman replied, eyeing the food that rotated within the machine amidst the yellow glow. It was like it was performing a dance routine under a stage light, and the idea amused her a little.

A scream rolled through the house like a storm wind, jolting everyone where they were. The shriek was so piercing that even the tiny Tenth Captain had a startle, despite receiving mild protection from his older colleague. The Shinigami seized up, eyes widening and hearts leaping into their throats at the horrid noise. Unohana's hand went up to her chest out of instinct and she quickly registered a worried glance to her male counterparts. It was Kenpachi who hadn't been taken aback and so was the first one to speak up.

"Was that Kurotsuchi?" he demanded. Kyoraku tumbled out of his seat with a big smile.

"This I gotta see!" the lazy Captain cried as he raced out of the kitchen and up the stairs, his comrades close behind him.

Besides a shocked Soi Fon whom they had spotted in the den, once they managed to reach the first floor of the house, they weren't too surprised to see Byakuya shaking in the hallway. He was right outside the dastardly Shinigami's room, his hand upon the handle of the door. Seeing that a group of braver men had arrived, the noble took a step back and let Shunsui have the honours.

Kenpachi grinned and the rest (with the exception of Kyoraku) turned away in embarrassment once the door flung open.

"Aw come on, Mayuri! Don't need to see this in the morning!" the Eighth Captain cried out in disdain as a naked Yoruichi curled up in bed sheets waved back at him. He looked over to the other side of the room to spot Mayuri hunched to the floor and his back hugging the wall. The man was trembling like he had swallowed an earthquake. His eyes were hysterical, more out of fear than his normally angry looking eyes, which were locked on the woman that lay in his bed.

"S-s-she...!" the scientist stuttered as he pointed a hopelessly weak and quivering finger at the Shihouin.

Sighing, Kyoraku simply closed the door on them.

* * *

A/N: Will explain things in the next chapter. Send me all the hate mail you want in the meanwhile.

And now for the more tedious thing...

**Furionknight **~( :^(|))

**Miharu Hachiko** I don't think much would've happened there anyway. He would probably sneak out or text Akon to pass the time.

**BraziliaH** Funny, because I like being called crazy. As for Toshiro, you can relax because I have something special set aside for him. Well for most of the characters anyway, but Toshiro's situation with a life changing one. As for Urahara, you don't have to wait for too long. Oh, and when you talked about Isshin being in this, I think you read my mind because I put him in here while I was still adding the finishing touches to the last chapter. Okay then, thanks for reviewing!

**theblueGRRL** I think I've answered your question. Thanks! I'm glad you love this little fic!

**CraneLee** Sorry, I'm already taken 8D

**Mysteriousmystery** Your name implies your review. Hope you had fun reading!


	9. The Bed Intruder

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. If I did, it would not have been awesome during the Aizen saga and shitty in the Fullbring saga.

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Chapter Nine: The Bed Intruder

He didn't believe in such a thing: karma. It was non-phenomenal, non-existent and absolute bull shit. By any scientist's standards, karma obviously did not exist. Spiritualists and outright dumb people would argue otherwise, but there is a logical answer for everything. It's called probability. Individuals with average intellects or weak resolve always found it hard to believe that everything in existence – known or unknown – could be factored down to simple mathematical equations.

Coincidence.

The numbers didn't lie.

There was a pattern here. Like a simple multiplication table for the number 2: it would not reappear in its own table until the sixth sequence, where it would come in the form of the number 12. Taking this in to account, perhaps one bad day would mean the next could be either normal or enjoyable. But there was a mistake that lay in that theory, all because there was one possibility that was not considered.

Mayuri forgot to factor in 'worse'.

By the time he was ushered into the living room clad in his pyjamas' trousers and his blanket over his shoulders, the shaking had nearly receded and he had regained his ability of speech. The shock almost out of his system, the scientist sat glaring daggers at the smug Shihouin from across the den amidst the confused faces of his colleagues. She was smiling ever so coyly, a trademark grin that she employed every time she managed to pull off a successful little prank. Unfortunately enough, her victim this time was the impossible freak from the R&D Bureau. Although the others remained cautious to avoid calling him by his own name, Mayuri had become uncomfortably sure that Yoruichi knew.

"Okay, what was going on between you two?" Shunsui demanded with a formal tone. He sounded like he was dead serious about the matter and wanted things sorted out in a reasonable manner. The truth was far from that. Everyone knew that the Eighth Captain just wanted in on all the juicy details. No one wanted to hear what they believed had happened, but the Lady went on anyway.

Mayuri didn't know if it was good thing or not. She _would_ be clearing things up, but considering that this was Yoruichi Shihouin, a master at fucking you up good, she could fabricate a comprehensive account on what never happened. The Twelfth Captain could heave a sigh of relief when the woman decided to come clean with the act, but only after her demands that Sajin be sent to another room were fulfilled. The curious Captains paid due heed, Toshiro doing the task with great enthusiasm.

According to the youth, Yoruichi was not a Pokemon all along.

She was a _Digimon_!

Somewhere in a parallel dimension, the readers face-palmed.

It was a simple explanation, but the way the feline described it sparked interest. Last night, after all those who were not running from the police (a fact only four certain Shinigami knew of) had fallen asleep, Yoruichi had walked out of Soi Fon and Unohana's bedroom feeling thirsty. Jumping onto the kitchen counter and turning on the sink's tap with her soft paws, she decided if she could catch the remainder of her sleep in someone else's room. She wound her way to the only room that was open on the top floor, that being _Hiyosu's_, who had forgotten to close the door owing to his exhaustion.

Until next morning, Yoruichi decided to give the new Shinigami one heck of a surprise and returned to her human form. She then attempted to coax him out of sleep, calling him 'tiger' and 'darling' and whatnot.

"But you totally should have seen his face!" the feline added, folding her arms behind her head so that Mayuri's top that she wore slipped up to reveal a tantalizing hint of her thighs. Normally, the perverts amongst the Captains would have their eyes fixated upon the attractive flesh, but her story had everyone in a trance. Even the infamous Shunsui kept his eyes more on her face than either her thighs or breasts; a noteworthy accomplishment indeed. "He looked up at me for just a second and then went back to sleep. I thought about giving up before he realised it and flew right out of bed!"

"I see red, Captain Kurotsuchi...!" he heard Retsu coo, and he instinctively shot his head up to give her one of the most confused looks ever.

"What?" he demanded, but before the woman could answer, the other Captains contributed to the statement. Through the nearly unintelligible noise that was their taunting in unison, Mayuri could make out the words "blushing" and "faggot". The latter was automatically ignored, but "blushing" stuck through his mind and the once dignified and revered scientist was forced to cover his red face with the blanket.

"Wait," Yoruichi cut in, her face suddenly stern. Unohana, tired from the laughter, turned towards the other woman and gave her a casual nod in acknowledgement. The smile quickly disappeared from the medical woman's face when she was asked by the other why she called _him_ Kurotsuchi. Of course. He was still Hiyosu to the knowledge of the Shihouin, due to which the normally witty Retsu was now stammering like a child caught stealing. Finding that the remaining amusement had vanished, the Fourth Captain was now the centre of everyone's, besides Mayuri's, attention.

With lack of aid from her colleagues, Unohana told Shihouin the first thing that came to her mind.

"Did I?" she demanded, feigning meek surprise, to which the other woman nodded. "Oh, I'm just missing him I guess..."

"WHAT?" the 'dearly missed' Captain cried out in horror, popping his head out from the covers. Unohana looked at him bewildered before realising her mistake and quickly tried to correct it.

"I mean 'we'! _We're_ missing him!"

But the damage had already been done. Yoruichi's mouth was agape with pleasant surprise, blinking her amber eyes at the older woman. She heard the distinct sound of someone slapping a palm on his face, assuming it was Hiyosu who had done the deed.

As for 'Hiyosu', he was yet again unsure how to take things. Should he be glad that his identity remained hidden from the former Second Division Captain, or appalled that she was mistakenly convinced that he had an admirer amongst his own colleagues? The ludicrous hooting, the blushing Unohana, the grinning Yoruichi and his own red face made it rather difficult for him to concentrate and come to a bleeding decision. In the end, Mayuri simply covered his head again and laid down on the couch, groaning.

Karma.

Mayuri didn't believe in it.

The numbers didn't lie, but it seemed as if those spiritualists weren't wrong either.

* * *

"Here," she offered, setting the glass next to his feet. As Unohana lifted herself up to lean on the gate, she couldn't help but feel pity towards the man, sympathy she never thought she could give to him. Sweat trailed down his neck, drenching his shirt in it. The heat today was awful, which was why the Fourth Captain had made some lemonade for everyone. Nearly everyone was lounging about in the luxuries of air-conditioning with the exception of one Captain Kurotsuchi. The blue-haired Shinigami was outside the estate, turning a screwdriver to unhinge the defected doorbell they had the embarrassment of hearing every time someone pushed the button.

In actuality, Yoruichi was the only real visitor they had since they came. But later that morning when young Miki arrived, Soi Fon and Unohana decided they had had just about enough of the disgusting sounds the doorbell made. The subject was addressed to the only handyman they knew when the cleaner came. Shihouin had left long ago; her absence returning Kurotsuchi some of his confidence. But the dark-skinned woman did not leave without a reminder, saying that everyone _had_ to come. Well everyone except Sajin.

Mayuri simply grunted.

But even Retsu had to admit: they needed to cut the guy some slack. After all, he was forced here against his own accord and since their arrival things had been becoming bleaker. A broken nose, a clawed face, a despised woman in his bed, the accusation of a love affair – Unohana willed the redness in her cheeks to fade away – nothing had been going straight for him. She couldn't exactly argue that the whole reason why his day was bad was because he was making no effort to enjoy it. Surely then, under normal circumstances that would have been a valid point but seeing the actual injuries and witnessing the humiliation, she was sure that the King had it bad for him.

And yet, after going through such an ordeal, the man was outside under the blaring hot sun, tweaking the horrible doorbell in an attempt to figure out what was wrong with it. More likely out of pity than kindness, Retsu decided to deliver his glass to him instead of waiting for him to come inside.

"Unohana-san," the Twelfth Captain called to her formally without giving her a glance. She responded with a 'yes', at which he eventually put one of his tools down on the pavement and turned towards her. He lowered his head only slightly so that he could look over his glasses. "Just a simple advice: avoid bending down."

The woman furrowed her eye brows in confusion.

"Why?" she demanded, retaining her bewilderment. Kurotsuchi took a moment to simply stare at her, as if he was searching for the right words, before turning away and telling her to nevermind.

"What is that?" he pointed towards the beverage, his eyes once again fixated on the bell. A pair of pliers slipped into his fingers and he went about the business of pulling out a bundle of wires from the hole in the wall.

"Lemonade," she answered.

"Don't want it."

"Now, Captain Kurotsuchi," the Fourth Captain said, a hint of pleading in her voice. "Takeshi had given me quite a scare when I found him sleeping in the cupboards, and I expect that you appreciate the effort and drink it."

Mayuri glanced at her.

"Why... Why would that fat bastard sleep in the cupboards?" he demanded, regaining his composure after a long moment of silence passed between the two. The answer was shrug, yet the confused man mentally insisted upon the idiocy of that soul and looked down at the beverage; the first time since it was presented to him. There was very little doubt that loomed in his head when he saw the drink was a deep yellow. The golden eyes behind the pair of glasses grew slightly wider.

"I'm having second thoughts," he declared, picking up the drink and holding it near his nose to take a whiff of what was expected to be a pungent, salty and odorous smell. Unohana quickly caught on to what her colleague was implying and gave him a lopsided scowl.

"It was a powder mixture," she explained, relieved that the Shinigami did not twist his nose.

"It's not the mixture I'm talking about," he said, taking a careful sip. "Did you wash your hands after you touched the packet?"

"Why are you drinking it if you are so sure?" she challenged, arms akimbo.

He gave her another silent stare before shrugging.

Unohana shook her head.

"Well anyway, you remember the promise I made you?"

"Was it something along the lines of 'I'm going to kindly request the Captain Commander to have you sent back home'?"

"Not even close..."

"Then I don't."

She rolled her eyes, fishing her coat pocket for the item. Feeling her fingers wrap around the velvety texture, she held out her hand towards the busy Shinigami.

"I told you I'd buy you a present," she said, watching the man turn to look at the plush puppy with one eyebrow cocked. He employed his listless silence one more time, gazing at the doll like it was some kind of foreign object. He then lifted his head to look at her, then at the puppy again, and then slowly turned his attention to his screwdriver with a hopelessly lost expression. She arched her brows, waiting for him to respond and accept the adorable toy, but his reaction was rather unexpected and somewhat offensive.

He laughed. It was more like a windy chuckle that tore through his lips, but within the moment he was laughing so hard that he had to turn over and rest against the wall, holding his stomach with the screwdriver pressed against it. So to say, Unohana wasn't taking this as lightly as he was, after all, she had bought the toy with much care. Who could resist the charm of that adorable plaything with its big beady eyes, its cloth tongue dangling from its mouth and the sweet little heart-shaped tag attached to its glittery collar?

"Ah... I can't remember the last time I laughed like that..." she saw him reach under his glasses and wipe his eyes, observing the glistening moisture tracing his fingers.

Somehow, that surprised Unohana.

* * *

It was evening already, and nearly everyone was making preparations for their visit to the Urahara Shop, considering if there were any real preparations to be made. It was supposed to be a formal lunch, but after Sajin's episode last night which resulted in Yoruichi staying over at their place to wreak havoc upon what remained of Mayuri's sanity, the lunch had become a dinner, scheduled for seven. Unohana, Soi Fon, Byakuya, Kyoraku and Jushiro were the ones putting in a real effort for the visit.

Retsu had brought out her best Sunday dress, despite the fact that it was not Sunday and neither was there any light outside, while Jushiro jammed every medication prescribed to him down his throat. Byakuya was looking like the protagonist of some Samurai flick dressed in that exquisite black and red kimono, embroidered with beautiful gold and green which drew streams, birds and falling leaves on the fabric. Soi Fon decided on purple and blue jail leggings with denim shorts, a cropped jacket and a long-sleeved maroon shirt – attire suitable only for a child as that was all that would compliment her size. As for Kyoraku, no one was sure when he would get back from the barber's.

Toshiro kept his look subtle and wore a simple shirt with the picture of a football on it. Sajin was nowhere to be seen, Kenpachi insisted on going without changing and Mayuri insisted upon not going at all.

"You're not going to a wedding," the Twelfth Captain implied, rolling his eyes when Byakuya came in, his gorgeous garment lighting up the entire den. The nobleman cast a glance at the other, mentally shaking his head at Mayuri's own attire. He was wearing an oxford shirt whose top button was undone and dark grey pants. Their clothing ultimately became heavy contrasts; Mayuri's plain clothes against the masterpiece that Kuchiki was walking around in.

Byakuya gave him an undermining glance which he failed to notice and gently heaved himself down on the couch next to Zaraki, careful not to ruin the kimono's ironing. Kurotsuchi scoffed and then returned his eyes to the small screen of his Soul Pager. It was Yoruichi who had delivered them the devices in the box her former subordinate was made to carry. Amongst the array of colours, there were three that were pink and he was lucky to claim a dull looking green one. In the end, Kyoraku was left with the feminine pager but he was glad, saying that pink was pimp and definitely his colour. Nobody had any problems.

But the scientist remained slightly cautious of the device. It was a model he was sure he hadn't developed. If anything, they could be that dastardly Urahara's own slimy creations, but spending last night and most of today trying to find out what was wrong with it, Mayuri had to admit it was sound. But that alone did not entirely convince him that the pager passed with flying colours.

"Oh Mr. Kuchiki!" the Twelfth Captain heard Miki exclaim with a breathless voice. "You look wonderful!"

Byakuya had nodded in acknowledgement. Although his face was as expressionless as a rock, the tint of red on his cheeks was definitely showing.

"How do I look?" it was Unohana's voice this time. The nobleman had said something like "complimentary but it could have been better", Kenpachi made do with an aloof "Meh...", while Kurotsuchi grunted as a reply, much too engrossed in the blaring screen of his pager to pay attention to his female co-worker. Just as expected, Retsu was not satisfied with their disinterest and crossed her arms across her chest, disappointment lacing her tone.

"Why did I even bother asking you," she addressed all three before turning towards the maid. "Lets go, Miki..."

At the most convenient point in this whole scenario, the front door closed with a bang and Kyoraku strolled in, sporting his new do. There was very little anyone could make of things when the Eighth Captain presented himself to them, his long, curly locks now replaced with a more convenient look. Yes, they were incredibly short. But for some god-forsaken reason, the style suited him. Heck, it made him look a thousand times more attractive than he could ever claim to be. The four other Captains, including Miki, stood awestruck, silently staring at the impossibly handsome stranger that walked into their house.

"Whaddya think?" the Eighth Captain demanded, splaying his hands out in a "TA-DA!" sort of fashion. He turned his attention towards the young maid. "How 'bout it, Miki?"

A smile beamed through and her face flushed red before she leaned back and fell faint. No one paid any attention, but the girl's antics convinced the bearded man that maybe his new hairstyle wasn't really working out for him. Lips forming into a frown, he scratched the back of his head.

"Well, it's only a gigai..." they heard him murmur before he walked off, leaving his colleagues dumbstruck.

_**What a fear in my heart...**_

_**When you're so supreme!**_

_**I give my life...!**_

_**Not for honour...!**_

_**But for you...**_

_**Snake Eater...**_

"I feel weird..." Kenpachi confessed, eyes still wandering for that invisible something.

"Me too," the Twelfth Captain admitted, silent and puzzled as ever.

But as the Shinigami revelled in that strange attraction towards Kyoraku's new look, one certain Captain's heart boiled with outrageous fury and jealously for having been upstaged from the front of one of the most beautiful Shinigami ever. He clenched his teeth and balled his hands into shaking fists; anger which the others failed to see.

'I _will_ destroy you, Captain Kyoraku Shunsui...!' Kuchiki thought to himself.

* * *

'Urahara Shop'

It was amazing how that man was coy enough to name his entire store after himself. Mayuri pulled his hands into his pockets, sighing as he needlessly observed the shoddily painted sign erected at the forefront of the ragged building. The others were still stepping out of the cabs they hired, talking and chattering, excited about this visit. They were clad in the best clothes they had with the exception of a few; such extravagance was not required. They were going to have dinner at a bleeding utility store, if that was what Kisuke wanted common mortals to believe.

Kurotsuchi sighed.

"How did I get myself into this mess anyway?" he muttered under his breath.

* * *

A/N: OH DEAR GOD THIS CHAPTER IS FULL OF FASHION! I didn't intend to. I just thought it was high time to describe what the d00ds were wearing. Turned out more obnoxious than I intended this to be. In fact, the description for Byakuya's threads is something akin to the dresses in the novel "Memoirs of a Geisha". I checked the book and I'm glad I didn't rip off any kimono mentioned in there (but then again, how _did _Sayuri remember the designs of her kimono from more than two decades ago? Epic plot hole) Okay, so you people don't probably know what I'm talking about so lets move on to something even more off the topic.

Kyoraku's saxy new hairstyle and the Snake Eater theme have a connection. If you're a Bleach and Metal Gear Solid fan, you'd know why. And if you do, I FACKIN' LOVE YOU, MAN!

POINT OUT MAH SPELLING MISTAKES BITCHEZ!

Hey... I guess this is the first time I'm leaving such a surreal Author's Note at the end. Hell... if I was doing it to my other fictions (which you probably don't know about or decided to leave to your 1992 selves) you sure expect me to do it to this one as well.

Don't call it self-promotion. That was not the intention. Neither me losing my virginity.

**Writing Bunny** LATE COMEEEEERRRR! But thanks anyway. And I don't know myself what the fuck those two did to poor Old Man Yama. Lets just leave it to the imagination shall we.

**CraneLee **Smile? I was hoping it'd make you laugh! Okay, gotta work harder this time!

**Popo623** Thanks :)

**Laerkstrein **Nah, I think its harder to spell :P... I did spell it right, didn't I? By the way, want to thank you for the review! Appreciate the support!


	10. Babe Magnet

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Fact.

* * *

Chapter Ten: Babe Magnet

"Is it because of Kisuke?" she had asked him, one question she was absolutely sure Mayuri didn't want brought up. And the strain of trying to hide the anger surfacing on his face was much too obvious to the woman. But she kept her lips pursed so they formed a thin black line, raising her brows so that Kurotsuchi would realize that she didn't want her little query unanswered. He gave her a moment's glare before releasing half a sigh and half a groan, very much like a teenager distraught by his mother's constant pestering.

_Of_ _course_ he didn't want to go! And amongst all reasons, he didn't want to go simply because it was Urahara they were visiting. And despite knowing it, Retsu wanted to hear this from the Twelfth Captain himself. Call it some subdued sadistic tendency within her that was beginning to rear its ugly head again, the medical Shinigami was sure getting kicks out of the situation. And bugging Mayuri wasn't the only thing that put that smile on her face; she and her colleagues were going to have the pleasure of meeting old friends once again. No wonder she felt so bubbly that evening.

She saw him opening his mouth, the hint of a "Yes" nearly escaping his lips but his teeth clamped shut when _that someone_ suddenly leapt onto him, wrapping her tanned arms around his neck. Unohana nearly jumped at the Shihouin's sudden entrance, and more so when she burst into the scene bellowing, "HEY~! I'd thought you'd never come!" Her breasts settled themselves against the scientist's ears as her hold pushed the back of his head within her cozy cleavage, much to his chagrin.

Retsu didn't know whether she was about to gasp or start laughing, but either way she forced whatever it was that was trying its way out of her throat back down, cupping her mouth with her fingers. Her clear eyes registered her surprise, growing as wide as dinner plates. And surprisingly enough, Mayuri's expression was the exact opposite of hers. He silently glowered at some invisible object beside the Fourth Captain, behaving as if he was a very bored and annoyed looking mannequin. Despite his hair being ruffled or his left cheek pulled to form a very skeletal grin on his face, Kurotsuchi maintained his stagnant expression.

"Greetings, Lady Yoruichi!" saluted the Second Captain, immediately making herself known to her former Captain.

"Hello, Soi Fon," the taller woman greeted less formally, slightly shaking her head in pity but never removing an arm from Mayuri's shoulders. She reached out to the Second Captain and patted her head, although in a gentler manner than the way she had ran her fingers through the scientist's hair.

"Glad to see all of you made it," she said with a smile, looking up from Soi Fon to receive a warm handshake from Jushiro. She then issued a venomous scowl towards Komamura who was all the more clueless, instead poking his nose into the air to catch a smell that interested him. It was entirely normal to hold a grudge against the hound after the whole debacle the previous night, but it wasn't fair to blame Sajin when he only acted upon his animalistic instincts.

"Oh don't mind him," the ill man offered with an assuring smile. "He only remembers chasing a _cat_."

"CAT!" Sajin piped up, eyes alert and attentive as he gazed off into the distance.

That didn't entirely convince the Shihouin.

"Hey, if he does anything to you, I'll restrain him," Kyoraku had said, quickly massaging the Seventh Captain's back, the latter of the two stamping his foot on the pavement in ecstasy and smiling a puppy's smile. The bearded Shinigami frowned at the hound's gigai. "Freak..."

And like it had happened to everyone else, Yoruichi saw the handsome man's features change within the lapse of time, surroundings becoming blurred and music picking up in the background. His eyes averted towards her ever so slowly, threads of glittering silver following his outline. His orbs seemed a brighter blue and his hair softer than they would have been. She held back a breath as her heart thumped against her ribs, missing several beats.

_**In my time...**_

_**There'll be no one else...**_

"Welp! I'm hungry!" Shunsui slapped his hands – the sound of which thrust Yoruichi out of her fantasy – and rubbed them together, stepping away from the group and towards the door. "Are you gonna let us in or not?"

The feline fumbled for a moment before regaining her composure. She gave a quick nod and skipped towards the shack, thrusting the entrance door open and gesturing to her guests to step inside. One by one, as each of the Shinigami disappeared into shop, Mayuri held back a moment to gape at the tan-skinned woman. With one glance, Yoruichi discovered an interest within Kyoraku, perhaps the only significant event today which caused her to remove her arm from his shoulders. And this meant only one thing: she wasn't going to be a bother to him this night.

"YES!" Kurotsuchi yelled in triumph before stepping inside.

* * *

That man Mayuri absolutely hated.

His methods were always so ill-conceived and his plans too limited for the genius Kisuke was letting go to waste.

Yes, he was brilliant, the Twelfth Captain would admit that, but it was his horrendous attitude and personality towards his own work that really pissed him off. Well, taking things into consideration, how different were Kisuke's aims from his own? Both of them had broken the moral code out of their own whim, explored knowledge far beyond what was ethical and done deeds that would otherwise had landed them in hell if they weren't already present in the Seireitei.

And still, in a competition between the two, people would root for Kisuke simply because he was nicer.

Kurotsuchi could almost snort. There was absolutely _nothing_ nice about that bum. Urahara was more likely a sociopath whilst Mayuri expressed his misanthropic views without shame. But still, recalling his bitter history with his former superior wasn't going to get him though the day if he was pretending to be Sixth Seat Hiyosu. Yoruichi, he figured, could always be misled but Kisuke was a whole different story. With this man, he had to make sure he played his cards right and take extra amount of care not to slip up in front of him that would immediately give himself away.

And for that purpose alone, his genius mind began crafting all sorts of detailed and untraceable lies; stories that would involve this Hiyosu character.

The only thorn in his side, though, was if his fellow Captains took care not to let anything get loose from their hands.

"Kisuke! I was telling you about these guys earlier, right?" the she-cat called, winking as the bleary-eyed shop keeper strolled in. He looked like he had been sleeping; drool on his stubble and a mess of hair hid under his hat. Kurotsuchi shuddered at the sight, musing where the former Twelfth Division Captain once stood and now to what he had been reduced to. This was one great example why Mayuri, even a complete asshole, never crossed any lines that would result in consequences mirroring Kisuke's situation.

"Uh..." the blonde took a moment to glance at all the happy faces, and longer for the realization to dawn upon him that these were all his former colleagues. "No you didn't..."

"Ugh! You lazy ass! Why'd I ask you for the Soul Pagers if it weren't for these guys?" and the greetings merely transformed into a spat between the two as always. As everyone else hovered in the background, the Shihouin's face closed in on the clueless, dreary man.

"To throw at the street mutts...? Or something...?"

"That was a one-time thing! Okay, you'd at least remember the cute guy I told you about?"

She turned around to look back at the awkward group, her finger pointing Mayuri's way. The scientist slowly shifted to hide behind Byakuya's form. Thankfully, Kisuke took mind to weave through Yoruichi's pestering and approached the guests. "Some jackass fed her catnip this afternoon..."

Everyone besides Urahara and his delirious friend cast a venomous gaze upon Soi Fon.

"Uh… just…" the shopkeeper mumbled and gestured towards the solitary table upon which were scattered a deck of playing cards and poker chips. "Make yourselves comfortable… or whatever…"

Expecting a long wait, the Shinigami lot decided not to say much about it and gathered about the low table. From the looks of the stains of wine and perhaps a little blood on the wooden surface, Unohana guessed that yesterday must have been Poker Night at Urahara shop, and whoever lost wasn't much of a sport about it. She registered her keen gaze on Kisuke's supposedly hung-over face and the discolored hue under the chin. She figured much of the story.

"I'll whip up that roast I was gonna do!" the female of the banished Shinigami cried, to which Urahara didn't seemed too pleased.

"What roast? You've never cooked roast before… Yoruichi…?"

And with that, he followed her into the back of the shop where the kitchen was likely to be.

"Is that blood?" Kyoraku said out loud, scratching the dry residue with his nail but Soi Fon slapped his hand away. The Eighth Captain would have given a childish retort but he figured it best to stay quiet about the subject. After all, they were trying to be polite guests here. The bearded man simply nodded his head in a gesture that he understood, but he did, however whisper to Kenpachi that if wine was part of the menu, then manners would be long dead by his fifth swipe.

A sound emanated from the back of the store, much like a small monkey screeching when it would see a predator lurking by. This was followed by a relatively louder bang and something purple, slimy and unrecognizable flew in from the entrance, splattering against the wall. The shapeless creature slipped down, purring painfully and trembling on the mat as if it had swallowed a beehive. Everyone froze in horror before Urahara silently stormed in, carrying a broom which he promptly brought down upon the thing.

Several times.

At what they assumed to be a dying "urk", the shopkeeper along with his broom disappeared into the back once again. With Kisuke gone and the Captains dumbfounded in pure shock, Toshiro reached out towards the limp, slick piece of flesh and poked it, although still sitting at his spot at the table. The creature belched softly, causing the group to gasp and clutch on to their hearts as Hitsugaya quickly pulled back his hand. Kisuke returned in a short moment, an old newspaper now in hand which he draped over the plump, purple creature and carried away. All were once again silent and still, only the sound of even more rigorous banging filling the air.

They paused, one or two Shinigami gulping but no one taking their eyes away from the entrance from which Kisuke walked in a third and final time.

"Sorry about that…" the man in the striped, green hat apologized, wiping a smudge of purple ooze off the back of his hand. "This is Yoruichi's first time cooking, otherwise Ururu's the one usually fixing us dinner…"

"I think I've lost my appetite…" Byakuya mumbled, placing a handkerchief over his mouth to keep himself from gagging.

* * *

"Oh, you're new here!" Kisuke cried after perhaps the half an hour Kurotsuchi spent glaring at the empty table top. The chips and cards had been cleared away but the stains remained; the only thing worthy of scientist's attention. He gradually lifted his lazy gaze to the other man's face and worked the numbers by which the shopkeeper's attention span had further depleted. He decided it was by two-seventeenths, but kept the calculations to himself.

"Took you long enough," Mayuri had nearly snapped, but said it rudely enough to earn a nudge in the kidney from the Fourth Captain. "What?" he questioned her, at which she covered her eyes with her petite palm in defeat.

"Respect, Sixth Seat Samara!" Kyoraku waved a finger at him, his smile speaking of all the words in his knowledge about _Hiyosu's _correct identity and Mayuri couldn't feel like strangling him more than he did now. Shunsui's gesture and tell-tale grin were ample enough hints that something was going on; Urahara could've been as dumb as Wonderweiss but he would still have caught on. It was good enough that he was completely uninterested in what he presumed to be an inside joke and said that he would simply shut up since he was missing the whole point of it all.

"Hiyosu," Jushiro corrected.

"Really? I thought it was Samara... RESPECT SIXTH SEAT HIYOSU!" Shunsui repeated, mistake now gone.

When Yoruichi walked in with the serving dish in her hands, Mayuri almost thanked the King for the change in topic. He could have said the prayer too soon, for the cat brought nothing new and merely prodded into the matter even further.

"Oh yeah, Mayuri couldn't make it so they brought along Hiyosu to carry their luggage and stuff," the tanned woman explained, setting the heavy platter down in the middle of the table. The pan contained a streaming, black brew with froth collecting at the surface. "It's soup. The main course is on its way!"

"Oh… I was kinda hoping he'd come along. Maybe for old time's sake, you know?" Urahara had mused, loud enough for _Hiyosu _to hear but felt rather confused and a little taken aback when the blue-haired Shinigami snorted as if it was the most amusing thing he had heard all day. Hiyosu then suddenly turned to Unohana once again, crying "What?"

"Yeah, but Hiyosu's a fun guy to hang around with!" Kenpachi started. "Talking to him feels like the freak never stayed behind!"

A death glare now came his way.

"And now: the main course!" Shihouin announced, appearing out of almost nowhere and nearly dropping the 'roast' on the face of the table.

It seemed more decent than the appetizers, which was why Toshiro felt brave enough to take a piece for himself and put it down in his plate. Shunsui, without a worry, followed the boy after finishing the eighth mouthful of _sake_ he had been poured prior to the soup's arrival. Byakuya, though, had only started sipping his wine, choosing to go hungry that evening. Unohana was busy in distributing portions to the rest while Kurotsuchi motioned his finger slicing along his neck at Kenpachi when the shopkeeper and were-cat weren't looking.

"Aw, I miss that sucker too," Yoruichi had said, taking a seat beside Byakuya who instantly felt uncomfortable in her presence. "Everytime I pulled a prank on him, I did for look on his face! Never got old!"

A tentacle slipped out from Kurotsuchi's piece and dragged itself and the plate away, leaving the knife he held in one hand hovering in the air. He put the knife down and pouted, resting his chin in his palm. He poured himself some booze for the day.

"Speaking of which, have I told you the one I pulled on Hiyosu here this morning?"

Not this again.

"Not really…" Urahara said with a weary smile, whacking a small, clawed hand that protruded from his dinner and groped at the air.

"Well, you see, everyone was sleeping when I decided to move someplace cozier. His bedroom door was open, see? So I walked in and snuggled up under the covers and then I thought… 'Hey… how 'bout I give the new kid a special little welcome gift?' I change back into my human form, alright? And then…" she drifted away, a new thought coming to mind. Her smile now faded, she turned to Hiyosu, brows knit together. "Say, I need to ask you something."

"What?" Kurotsuchi asked that question the third time that evening, rolling his eyes and taking another sip of his quickly emptying cup of _sake_.

"Who's this 'Mameha' person?" Yoruichi had suddenly queried, and just as suddenly, a certain number of Shinigami had reacted in their unique ways.

Kyoraku and Mayuri had sprayed out every single drop of _sake_ they had in their mouth, with the former making the unfortunate Urahara his victim. The intensity with which the Eight Captain had sprayed the _sake_ had thrown the shopkeepers prized hat off. Byakuya, though, was a bigger gentleman in this matter. He forced the fluid down his throat against all odds, but of course, not without consequences. He immediately withdrew his handkerchief and held it against his mouth, coughing in a manner similar Jushiro. Speaking of whom, the ill Captain along with Zaraki had immediately stopped whatever they were doing and gaped at Yoruichi, wide-eyed and in utter shock.

The former Second Division Captain was extremely taken aback at the response, sparking a deep curiosity. Indeed, even Unohana, Soi Fon, Hitsugaya, Komamura and Urahara, who were not aware of this Mameha developed a strong need to know more of the mystery person. After all, who wouldn't be interested if the mere mention of a name caused such a commotion?

"Wait..." Kenpachi turned towards Shunsui, still surprised that what he was hearing was right. "Does she mean _Mameha_?"

The bearded Shinigami nodded, unable to break through the rasps of coughing and laughter. At the answer, Zaraki's face broke into sheer amusement. Even Kuchiki, who all this time had remained so stern, let a small chuckle escape his lips.

"Who's Mameha?" it was the Fourth Captain that questioned her companions now, itching to know who everyone was so worked up over. She received no response besides growing laughter; she decided to turn towards Mayuri for a reasonable answer instead.

"Cap-... I mean, Hiyosu?" she called, turning towards the blue-haired Shinigami. Unohana had almost jumped when she saw the look on the Twelfth Captain's face. There were many times when she had seen deep worry, frustration or outright fear on Kurotsuchi's face. After all, the man was no good at keeping his emotions in check, mask or no mask. But this time, his expression had, without a doubt, caught her by surprise. It wasn't because he genuinely was frightened, but because the usually tan Shinigami had gone red.

And it wasn't in pure spite... Unohana could tell.

Mayuri was, in fact, blushing.

Furiously.

"Where's a camera when you need one!" Kyoraku cried out in the midst of trying to clear his throat of the burning wine.

"It ran out of batteries, so I left it back home to charge," Hitsugaya replied, although meekly as he was still confused why everyone was getting a kick out of hearing an alien name.

"Oh this is too precious!" the bearded Shinigami said, turning to look at the dismayed and flustered scientist. He closed one eye shut and held out his hands, forming "L" shaped frames with his fingers. "I'll take a mental picture of it, then."

_Click!_

SAVING DATA

**MEMORYCARD SLOT 1**

SAVE TO MEMORYCARD SLOT 1?

NO

**YES**

LOADING…

SAVE TO NEW FILE?

NO

**YES**

DO NOT SWITCH OFF PS2 WHILE DATA IS BEING SAVED

**PHOTO .01**

PROGRESS SAVED

"Whoah…!" the Eighth Captain gasped, shaking his head and placing one hand above his ear.

"What happened?" Ukitake asked.

"I don't know…" he answered, blinking his eyes. "It felt like… uh… nevermind…"

* * *

A/N: END OF CHAPTER! NOW GO AWAY, I NEED TO SLEEP! THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED SORRY I'M NOT TAKING ANY NAMES BECAUSE I'M IN A HURRY LOLZ!


	11. Harmless Backtracking

Disclaimer: I don't own anything relative to Bleach besides any and all characters, places and events I choose to add on my whim.

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Harmless Backtracking

"Well…" Kisuke began, scooping up his drenched hat from the floorboards with half a smile and shook it a little to let the wine drain. He had lazily put the hat back on before proceeding to wipe his face with an already wet sleeve. "Whoever she is, she sounds interesting."

And at that, he excused himself before getting up to clean himself up while everyone was too busy laughing. All except for one, special Shinigami, that is.

"How did you know about Mameha?" Kenpachi had asked as the Sixth Captain continued to press the handkerchief delicately along his lips, conscious – and likely paranoid – that wine still wet his chin. He was not rather accustomed to grinning like he was right now and so it felt to him as if there was something alien on his face; he would forever mistakenly think it was a spot of _sake_.

"I don't," the she-cat replied. "He was mumbling in his sleep when I tried to wake him up."

A thud resounded in the room with cutlery jumping on the table and the concoction Yoruichi called 'soup' teetering within the bowl; Mayuri had banged his head on the wooden surface and proceeded to expel a miserable groan that sounded like a dying bear. It was accompanied by vulgar chuckles, a lingering exchange of knowing glances and telepathic conversations only limited to the enlightened of the lot. So to say, the Shihouin did not have any reason not to be twisting her fingers into the soft fabric of her shirt.

"Quit stallin' and give me the dirt already!" Yoruichi moaned. Her elbows had already propped upon the table and her chin rested in her palms in anticipation of damn good gossip. Dirt on Kurotsuchi was plentiful, everyone was aware of that, but dirt involving an interesting little lady called Mameha was more akin to gold.

The excessive red of _Hiyosu's_ features and his disdain had Unohana simply wondering: what was Kurotsuchi hiding anyway? Besides all the crazy little experiments he may conduct in the bowels of his research facilities, besides all the mounds of knowledge he intended to collect to his own likings, there was something else unknown about Mayuri that left the Fourth Captain a little startled. Never would she have imagined a life beyond his beakers and chemicals, beyond his scalpel and machines that would suggest even a hint of something human about his nature. If anything, Retsu really wanted to have a share in this secret if it meant it would alter her previous impressions of the scientist, and if it meant a good laugh or two.

"Kyoraku?" Jushiro directed to his friend who put down the umpteenth cup of wine he had tht evening down on the table and continued to laugh briefly, trying very hard to keep a straight face. When that failed, he pressed a palm against his face and resumed his giggling with nearly everyone else following, with only Kurotsuchi turning all shades of red that not a single woman alive – or dead for that matter – could have known ever even existed.

"She… She was this… girl who…" Kyoraku gasped for breath, breaking off to fight another fit for a good minute or two before gulping down some air and continuing. "She was some girl trying to let in some sunshine in Kurotsuchi's routine."

"Like she did at that Ikebana," Kuchiki had honestly meant the comment for himself, but the words just came out louder than expected. The entire table grew a degree madder with the mention, with Shunsui having to spew into his own cup when a chortle burst from his throat and _Hiyosu_ growing visibly smaller. It was when Urahara returned in a set of fresh new clothes that were nothing different from the ones he always wore, and a sturdy new hat atop his mop of blonde hair, did Unohana demand whenever did anyone by the name of 'Mameha' ever attend her Ikebana.

"When the Twelfth registered?" Jushiro sought to remind his colleague who was somewhat perplexed.

"The Twelfth only registered once ever since I've been conducting the event, and that was back when the living had that horrible war," she recalled, her eyes shifting towards Mayuri who now sat with both hands splayed across his face. As her memory jogged forward, she did begin to make out fragments of something exceptional during that contest besides the fact that the Twelfth Division, in its entire history, had registered for the arrangements. And then, quick as thunder, it hit her.

* * *

"I didn't sign up for anything!" Kurotsuchi declared, snatching the form from her hands. Unohana didn't have much of a liking for the newly promoted Captain and there was a long list of reasons that steadily grew longer with every passing day. What ticked her off the mist, however, wasn't the fact that he was the most unbelievably cheeky man she had ever come across, but rather that crazy paint he always wore. As if his blue hair wasn't already a statement (though the Fourth Captain wouldn't know it was natural), him walking around looking like a really tiny hollow didn't settle with her too much. Ah, kids…

The man was silent for an awkwardly long time; the paper held up sometimes an arm's length away or pressed against the nose. After a while, he fished out a pair of reading glasses from his pockets and slid the up the bridge of his nose, proceeding to scrutinize the form in the same manner as he had been doing before. Yon-ban Taichou heaved a near invisible sigh, lightly tapping her foot on the soft grass impatiently. She wasn't one to be frustrated so easily, but neither did she like this youngster's company.

He blinked in disbelief before handing her the paper, though never taking his eyes of the sheet.

"I don't understand," he offered, taking the form back to make a double check, briefly hoping that the signature may have magically changed when it was turned away from him. Confused and dejected, he returned it to her. "I've never even seen this form in my entire life…!"

"But your subordinate said you had requested for participation and took a copy with her," Unohana held up the parchment like she was presenting a warrant. The apparent confusion on the young Captain's face was proof enough something was amiss and for once, the medical Shinigami felt it best to forgo her apprehension for the man to sort out the problem. She was lucky she had seen the familiar face amidst the crowd; the same woman who had taken the form from her on behalf of her Captain. Retsu, pointed towards her with the explanation that the girl was the one in question. And when Mayuri looked over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of said girl, he immediately turned back around and pressed a hand against his dismayed features.

"Of course it was her," he sighed profoundly before regaining composure and requesting her to take his name off the list.

"Are you sure?" the Fourth Captain demanded.

"Of course I'm- " the words were left incomplete when the raven haired girl suddenly appeared from out of nowhere and snatched the form from Retsu before Kurotsuchi even had a chance to reach out for it. She cast her Captain a stern yet dreamy glare, folding the sheet into a nice little square before her chest suddenly split apart and out came a claw that took the paper and disappeared back into the cavity. Unohana cupped her mouth in shock, disgust and horror, things she only felt when Shunsui had pulled that fiasco she dare not even recall.

"Of course he's participating…!" Mameha answered against his consent, though it seemed as if the statement was rather directed towards the scientist instead of Unohana. The Fourth Captain alternated between the two, feeling out of place amidst the two opposing forces. "This is a great opportunity for him to get out once and realize that he wasn't even looking when the sun was shining!"

Mayuri, in contrast to his tendency to burst into a tantrum, surprisingly kept calm and silent, offering her subordinate the most deadpan look imaginable.

"I hope when he takes a moment to open up his heart and fill his life with colour, maybe he would start laughing and living up," she added last, leaving Retsu in utter confusion who the girl was even talking to anyway. With that, Mameha simply broke off from the two and walked away into the excited crowd, vanishing from sight. It was enough opportunity for the Twelfth Captain to provide an insight into the whole situation.

"Unohana-san," he addressed her, surprising the woman for this was the first time he used '_san_' with her name. "I understand that it may be out of protocol, but I formally request you as a fellow Captain of the Thirteen Court Guards to please _stab me_ right between the eyes."

Retsu was taken aback.

"Right here," he pointed at his forehead, helpfully. "It'll take up a second, I swear."

* * *

"Ohh… _That_ Mameha," Unohana whistled when knowledge dawned upon her, now giggling along with the rest of the lot. She nudged the suffering Captain beside her, wondering what amount of strength it had taken for Mayuri to withstand the jeering without committing suicide right there. It was understandable why the scientist would feel humiliated when people would talk of that silly girl on a reasonably pleasant mission, but what Retsu was left wondering about was why in the King's name Mayuri would be blushing like he had sprinted across a hot desert.

Was there something the Fourth Captain had left out? Or perhaps it was something that she was never meant to be told otherwise?

"And the best part was when she sang for him!" Kyoraku exclaimed, making the table even crazier and leaving Yoruichi's jaw dangling from its joints. "She even wore a dress when she walked up to the stage!"

More laughter.

"Hey, Jushiro, you remember how the song began?"

Kurotsuchi heaved an agonizing groan before thrusting his fingers into his ears and declaring he was not going to listen to any of this. In a bid to piss the guy off more, the ill Captain and his drunken friend broke into a serenade which was cheered on by the mad cackles of the remaining Shinigami. Apparently this was the height of the scientist's tolerance for embarrassment, even though he was aware that neither Urahara nor Yoruichi knew 'Mayuri' himself was sitting amongst them. What kept him from picking up the cutlery that lay near his empty plate and thrusting it right into his chest was a mystery even to him – the scientist instead made do of getting up and walking right out of the shop, his fingers still plugging his ears.

"Captain Kurots- uh… I mean, Hiyosu!" Retsu called to the escaping man, less out of guilt for causing such an embarrassment to him and more out of curiosity for the reason why Kurotsuchi was so touchy about the topic in the first place. There came no response and the woman was sure the scientist was already making a run for it. Excusing herself, she lifted herself to her feet and stopped by the entrance to put on her slippers before sprinting out the door. "Captain you- ughh…! Hiyosu!"

"Go… Away…" he prompted, stalking away. Retsu could have sworn she could see smoke billowing from his ears when she caught up with him.

"Oh Captain Kurotsuchi, don't be such a killjoy," she expressed, her words causing unpleasant surprise to the said Shinigami. He gave her a most unbelievable stare before he regained most of what was left of his calm and then turned away towards the empty street, trying to block the lady out from his senses so the entire trip home would appear Restu-free. It didn't. There was just always _something_ about the Doctor that made it annoyingly difficult for him to ignore her. Whether it was her knack for being blunt about things he didn't want to discuss or the sickeningly sweet perfume she wore that caused his nose to cringe, it was bloody hard pretending she did not exist.

He couldn't anyway, not since he was much too occupied with the embarrassing memories of Mameha surfacing through. He shuddered, once or twice, and he was sure Retsu had seen it. There would be little left to doubt that Unohana had taken interest in his revulsion for the mysterious Shinigami.

"Was _she_ a transsexual?" she demanded and Kurotsuchi had become just too sure that the woman intended on referencing the half-assed joke he pulled on her that day. His shoulders shot up with the wave of disgust that suddenly grasped him and he froze in his tracks, turning towards her with that same, disapproving yet shocked look on his face.

"NO!" he cried back, appalled and then resumed the standard pace back to their abode. By now, he had only exited the lane which contained Urahara shop and was walking along the pavement of the main street, the braided woman still close at his heels.

"Then why are you so ashamed of her?" Unohana laughed as she demanded this insight, aware that it gave Kurotsuchi full incentive not to answer her.

"I don't want to talk about it!" he cried through gritted teeth, his hands going over to his head once again and cupping his ears. A car whizzed by, the driver and another in the back passing them strange looks from the windows – Retsu never took note of them.

"You're being childish," another statement which was accompanied by her giggling.

"I. DON'T. WANNA. TALK ABOUT IT!" he emphasized the previous statement that still didn't manage to pry her off his back.

"I don't expect such immature behavior from you."

"I'm not being immature!"

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Why won't you 'talk about it', then?"

"Because I DON'T WANT TO!"

She pressed her delicate fingers against her lips to keep the incessant chuckling from being cast into the night air. It took her excruciatingly long for the bubbles to fade into a poised smile, enough time to cover a little over half the distance to their intended destination, enough time for Mayuri to ease up just tad bit so as to remove his palms from his ears and enough time for Retsu to flip through all the conclusions in her head until she came across a particularly pesky thought. They were now already past Akihabara and along the road that led to a rough estimate of fifteen minutes to the dingy building they were forced to call home.

"Were you two in a relationship?"

That one struck a chord, much to her amusement.

For once in very long time – and that means a VERY long time – it took Mayuri a while to retort. And even much rare was that when he had managed to gulp down his shock and had the available words to produce a reply, he stuttered like he had trouble in public speaking. The words were mixed and poorly strained, forcing the man to speak an entire sentence that was mere senseless mumbling before his brain finally manage to catch up. It didn't do any good though. Retsu was guffawing loudly.

"Nothing! There was nothing between us!" he attempted to clear his name to no avail. His pathetic muttering did the job of severing the proud head of the reputation he had so thoughtfully and strenuously carved out for himself. "I swear, there was NOTHING!"

"Your interactions with her weren't exactly 'nothing' material, Captain Kurotsuchi," the Fourth Captain impressed, a smug grin gracing her otherwise soft features. "There _was _something going on between you two."

"There was NOTHING going on!" he insisted, his voice having growing desperate now that Unohana shunned herself for almost falling for it.

"I don't take your word for it," she challenged, chuckling at the profound sigh that came from the blue-haired man. She could tell it was defeat.

"She was just this…" he tried but fell short to catch his breath after another wave of anger washed over him. Unohana lifted a brow in curiosity, leaning a little further like a school girl would when talking to a much taller jock she had a senseless crush on. The streets and houses became all too familiar as they approached the second turning to their lane, perhaps only five minutes away from their intended destination. Not a good situation, Retsu thought as she had some strange misconception that once they reach home-base, Mayuri would be free from telling more of his stories.

She bounded in front of him, halting him in his tracks so that he had no real place to run without giving her a share of his treasure trove of secrets. His eyes darted to his right and then back at her, unwilling, miserable and just outright terrified of letting things he intended on keeping personal to himself.

"Well?" she pressed, her eyes following how he nervously licked his lips.

"She was… this girl…" he said to which Unohana nodded, arching up her brows in a gesture to let him know that she was at least aware of that piece of information. He bit his lower lip, his golden orbs darting to and fro, desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with the female Captain who stood as an obstacle in his path, eternally patient. Somehow, the idea that he would not escape this ordeal did not fuel his unhealthy bouts of anger, but the impending thought that back at Urahara Shop, personal incidents were being shared with the man he despised the most. The repute he had specifically fashioned for Kisuke's knowledge was slowly being raked away, replaced with awkward accounts of this dreaded Mameha.

Oh, what Urahara would think of him now?

"Just a stupid girl that never learned to keep out of my business!" Kurotsuchi burst out, not loudly enough but just a tad bit on the brash side to sufficiently startle the woman who accompanied him. Nostrils flaring, he pushed past her and stormed the way down the sidewalk at a slightly quicker pace, the Fourth Captain resuming the chase after a moment to take in the sudden eruption. Honestly, that man never ceased in surprising her. "A pesky little rat that kept insisting that I'd go blind if I stayed too long in the dark!"

"Hello!" he cried, whirling around and pointing to his eyes with taut fingers. "Surgically enhanced much?"

"So you liked her?"

By the King, why did she insist on pissing him off, he didn't know.

"No!" he snapped, less dramatically but it made his point. And then, just as suddenly, his temperament changed from furiously annoyed to nervously admitting. He scratched the back of his head, blushing so slightly that Unohana never saw his colors change. "Quite the contrary…"

"Ah… a one-sided romance…" the woman concluded but held back when she noticed the continued strange behavior of the Shinigami before her. Oh, so there was more?

"I kinda used her to my advantage…"

"Captain Kurotsuchi!" Retsu cried out, appalled and disturbed at the thought that he could ever resort to such horrendous crimes with a lady. She had the wrong idea and the Twelfth Captain caught on without a hitch.

"Not the way you think!" he defended himself, a little off-put that the braided woman would accuse him of such things. "As a lab rat!"

"Is that supposed to make things better?"

"She didn't complain!"

"Captain!"

"Look, she volunteered without any force from my side," he explained. "She wasn't pressured into any of the experiments and I had her full consent."

Unohana stared on, unsatisfied.

"What happened to her?" she demanded, realizing that she hadn't seen nor heard of Mameha in a considerably long time. A time long enough for her to completely forget about her until this recent evening.

"A… Hollow ate her…" came the sheepish response and sent the woman flaring. Just on the inside you know, since you can't tell if the Yon-ban Taichou is pissed off at you or not, but you still know you've gotten on her bad side because of the sudden dangerous aura glowing around her small frame. Mayuri knew she was angry. "I had nothing to do with it."

"Like there was _nothing_ between you two?" she accused him further, arguing like she was playing good cop, bad cop with the Shinigami under suspicion.

"Will you come off-? Look, can we just stop talking about this anymore?" Mayuri pleaded, genuinely tired of the stupidity of this conversation and more so of everything wrong that was happening to him, right from when this vacation was announced till this very moment. He pinched the bridge of his nose before he spared the expanse of the lane a glance, seeing the cumbersome building he was forced to call home on a temporary basis standing amidst other such odd looking houses. Theirs was particularly identifiable from the large tree growing right in the middle of the garden – that would definitely kill the property value. No wonder they had been given this shithole to stay. "I haven't been having such a swell week here."

"You're the only one to complain Captain, otherwise everyone else has been having fun," she was in the mood to cut him down after the whole 'Hollow ate my Mameha' confession. "I think that makes it easier to weed out the real problem here."

He wouldn't dare let her get away with that.

"Okay, I don't know what kind of sick, sparkly world you live in where unicorns puke rainbows 24/7, but I ain't getting such a sweet deal out of this shit vacation!" he had spat once he turned around, his jaw tightening from the unhealthy rage boiling in his stomach and spewing out from his ears. A little while ago Retsu had wanted to see smoke escape from his ears; too bad the instance was to remain metaphorical. "I don't think if you have noticed but while you prance about attending these stupid lunches and shopping for yoghurt the entire day, I've got nothing less than a broken nose, a cat on my face, a naked woman in my bed and a traitorous weasel doing the King-knows-what to-!"

And then he suddenly broke off, much to Unohana's stark confusion. The man just simply froze up, his yellow orbs becoming so wide, the woman had to keep herself from splaying her hands forward in an attempt to catch his eyes. It took her a while to understand, but it was a terrible realization that had gripped the scientist momentarily before he sprung back to life again, his hands frantically searching the pockets of his pants. It took literally a second for him to fish out the Soul Pager he had claimed for himself and flip it open, his bony fingers punching in a number like his own life was in question.

"You worthless insect, if I see one strand of hair out of place I'll-… RIN GIVE HIM HIS PAGER BACK! I don't give a damn, just hand him the fucking pager! Well where is he, you stupid dolt! Where in the compound? Be more specific!"

After that, not a single word dared to escape his lips. All the flare that lit his features and the rage burning his eyes simply vanished without so much as a trace. The Fourth Captain recognized the dismayed shock that over whelmed him, more so assuring herself he must have heard some hard news when the pager he held to his ear slipped from his fingers and tumbled to the ground. This man was in no healthy condition. Thank goodness they were only a little ways from their abode where she could help him into a chair or on the couch and tell him to rest.

She bent down and picked up the device which emitted the soft sounds of Rin Tsubokura questioning his Captain's disappearance.

"Hello, Rin – if I'm not mistaken?" she spoke into the phone.

"Huh? Who is this?"

"This is Captain Unohana of the Fourth Division. I'm sorry Rin, but your Captain is currently unavailable."

"What? Uh… well… is he still there?"

"Yes, but he's not one to talk at the moment."

"Yeah, okay but… where are you exactly?"

"We're just about to reach home."

"Wait, so… is anyone else there who I can talk to?"

"I'm the only one here, Rin. Look, when you're Captain is not too busy, he'll call back. Is that alright?"

She did not receive a reply but took it as compliance. Snapping the dated machine shut, she tucked it against her palm as she placed a hand on the statuesque Kurotsuchi.

* * *

_Meanwhile, on the other end of the line…_

Akon's pager slipped from Rin's hands and fell with a small 'clatter' against the polished slab. His brain began the hefty job of processing the disturbing information that had recently been fed to it, yet there was no explanation that would come to him and deny the absurdity of everything that he had heard from the Fourth Captain.

"_We're just about to reach home…_" her voice echoed in the air around him. "_I'm the only here, Rin…_"

The most horrific image flashed before his eyes, one of his feared yet beloved Captain holding hands and making googly eyes with the Doctor lady under a starry sky.

He shuddered.

* * *

"Come on," she coaxed him like she was playing out the role of his mother, watching him awkwardly pace along the pavement as if he was sleep walking. Perhaps the only real motion she saw from him was his hand moving up his torso and gripping onto the fabric that draped his chest. At least he had learned the ability to walk, though he still became slow so that he stalked after her.

"Just a little bit further, Captain," the woman kept insisting, turning to look over her shoulder to see if he hadn't run away crying in the opposite direction. He was still there, much to her relief but she could not ignore the strange way he dragged his left leg along the ground like it was some dead weight. She fell dully silent, watching the limb curiously to see if he wasn't being a drama queen. And then, when her eyes travelled up to glance at his fingers clutching the front pocket of his shirt, it took her a while to realize he was actually clutching on to his chest.

"Captain…" she announced warily, never taking her wide eyes off his hand. "You're having a stroke…"

He paused his lethargic walk and spared her a brief glimpse before lowering his head to see his shaking fingers grasp on to where his heart was hidden behind his chest. Kurotsuchi looked back up, partially furious.

"You see!" he cried out. "Really _bad_ week!"

With that, he collapsed on the sidewalk, unconscious.

* * *

**A/N: **Let me just take some time to thank **CraneLee**, **samara28**, **thabluGRRL**, **Hotaruhara**, **Laerkstrein**, **LazyNezumi**, **Yoshishisha**, **AkaneSukishima**, **gin** and **starconthuner** for reviewing. You guys are swell!


	12. Uncool

Disclaimer: I don't own anything relative to Bleach besides any and all characters, places and events I choose to add on my whim.

* * *

Chapter Twelve: Uncool

Ishida Uryu couldn't have hoped for a more normal day. A day free of annoying Kon who refused to let him experiment with new sequins and embroidery on him, a day free of annoying Orihime who kept insisting she would buy him ice-cream even though he didn't like the confection, a day free of annoying… Sado? Actually he didn't say or do much so it didn't matter if he was around or not. And especially a day free of annoying Kurosaki whose mere presence almost made the Quincy want to kick puppies. A day free of all the annoying things in the world was a day that offered him the solitude he always felt safest in. All in due time when he would reach home, though it would take a little longer than usual when the youth took a new detour in his attempts to shake off Orihime.

This neighborhood, as dark and foreboding as it was, was known to the community as the Little Village, primarily because it was a commercial block solely reserved for tourists visiting Karakura. The rent was cheaper than that of the hotels here and the place offered a diverse community of varied ethnicities as well, however compared to the rest of Karakura Town the place was really shabby. Not to mention the area's nasty reputation all from a dumb killing spree that occurred long before Ishida had even been born. There was no scarcity of ghosts populating the area, though the tourists that came here rarely ever reported any 'supernatural' activity.

The Quincy halted his sluggish stroll and eyed a hunched figure dragging a corpse along the pavement. He first blinked in disbelief and when finally the facts registered themselves in his mind his heart suddenly sank. It was not the fear of actually being spotted by the said murderer and becoming his next victim but the realization that the single, normal, stupid-free day he coveted was but a distant memory. Should he inform the authorities so they would catch the killer and make a local hero out of him or should he carry out the punishment himself, incinerating both the murderer's body and soul so that he vanishes from existence?

Reishi collected in his hands in the shape of an arrow.

It was an easier choice than having his face printed upon every newspaper.

"Hey!" he had wanted to make himself sound a little professional when he confronted the killer but his lack of enthusiasm let the words tumble like a robotic command. The figure that so laboriously pulled the deadweight across the road stopped its task and stood erect, a limb flying into the sky. Was the killer waving to him? The action seemed urgent and was followed by a gesture of the hand that beckoned the Quincy. Narrowing his eyes in confusion, Ishida began to make out the shape of a short woman with a long, snake-like braid dangling by her shoulders. Wait… was that Unohana-taicho? And she was _killing_ people?!

"What is going…?" he barely squeaked owing to the utter confusion that gripped him. The Captain was drenched in sweat, obviously due to the difficult chore of transporting a man's weight over quarter a kilometer. The arrow in his hand quickly dissipated and the remaining strings of reishi crackled like a fire's embers before it is put out. He spared a long glance at the dead one while Unohana paused to catch breath, barely recognizing the blue du of that new stranger he and his friends had seen accompany the Captains when they landed in Karakura.

"I need… help… taking him back… to our house…" the Shinigami said, out of breath. The request left Uryu rather shocked.

"And get my finger prints all over him?!" he demanded, immediately contemplating of fleeing before anyone would spot him conversing with her and take him for a partner in crime. His dilemma was met with a confused expression before her eyes drifted towards the body and then back to him.

"He's not dead!" she wheezed, unaware of what kept her from face-palming. She did not have the time to explain and rest the Quincy's doubts. "But he will be if we don't get him back to the house."

She crouched back down to the supposedly unconscious male and took him by the wrists, an expectant glance shooting up at the young man. An eternity passed by, it seemed, during which all Ishida could do was offer the most lost and confused stare before whatever sorcery lurked behind Unohana's expression forced him to lean down and grasp the legs of the dead one. For what reason, the answer eluded the youth leaving him with only this knowledge that he had been suckered into the ordeal.

For a skinny guy, the unconscious Shinigami weighed like he had consumed a whole herd of sheep before dying, although the lack of body fat and muscle clearly betrayed the thought. No wonder poor Retsu was drenched in sweat when he had stumbled upon her – she may be a powerful Soul Reaper but in her human state she was just as harmless as any other woman (disregarding the tremendous force behind even the slightest hint of a frown on her lips). Though with his help, the pair had managed to carry the body in one-thirds the time it would have taken the Doctor to do it alone.

The corpse had grabbed the attention of a wandering soul who seemed to be well acquainted with Retsu and spared no effort in introducing himself to Uryu. His name was Takeshi and that was all the young one cared to remember about the soul – the rest had been automatically filtered out of his brain to avoid overheating from the ghoul's most annoying chatter. She had immediately discarded her gigai, letting it rest on a single-seater before her true form rose from it, garbed in pure black and a white Captains' haori completing the look. A silvery-blue coat of reiatsu enveloped her fingers as she kneeled next to the probably dead Shinigami and began the work of her mysterious healing.

"You need anything, you tell me," Uryu offered though more out of courtesy than in genuine concern. He couldn't care less of what would happen or whether the unnamed Soul Reaper lying oblivious on the couch would ever manage to survive (given Retsu's prowess, though, that seemed unlikely); the only reason he even bothered to ask was because his parents had taught him manners unlike most of his friends. Oh well, at least this night came to a quick end. Maybe now he could finally get back to his normal, Shinigami-free day after all.

"Call the police 'cuz it's gotta be a crime to look this fine!" cried out Retsu in a rather nasally pitch. Not the real Unohana but rather her gigai which had been invaded by Takeshi hardly a beat after the woman had removed it. Takeshi had already undone her braided hair and let it sway wildly as he tossed her locks over her shoulder, the most ridiculously perverse grin present on the gigai's face. Uryu narrowed his eyes. Though he knew the entity before him was merely a replica of the real Shinigami and was piloted by a soul with an IQ less than 60 at the time of his death, seeing the "Fourth Captain" act like that was disturbing.

Really disturbing.

"Especially with that…" Uryu muttered, fighting the urge to tear off his skin and throw it at the hijacked gigai. Takeshi attempted a poor representation of what he hoped was sexy pose and topped it off with a pout-cum-duckface. This time, the Quincy visibly shuddered.

"Let him have his fun," she said with enough honey to make it seem as if even her eyes were smiling and then as an afterthought: "But if you could, can you bring me a glass of water?"

Ishida shrugged, a barely audible "Okay" escaping him in respect that the woman needed whatever concentration she required amidst the sickeningly disturbing antics of Takeshi/Unohana to save yet another life… death… life-death… limbo- Oh who cares? He quickly exited the den to hunt for the kitchen, wordlessly complying to the request of the Doctor whom he knew was exhausted after carrying all that weight. Stumbling into the kitchen and spending less than a minute finding a clean drinking glass to fill water in, he quickly made his way and handed it over to the Shinigami.

"Thank you very much, Ishida," she said in a tone that almost made the Quincy's heart melt with the warmth of a hundred suns, cheeks burning red as heated blood flowed into his face and made it glow. In a single moment the woman had managed to make the youth feel all the happiness in the world with only a simple word of appreciation – a simple word dripping with all the genuine loveliness this woman was capable of.

"**FUCK YOU AND A HALF, AKON, YOU DIRTY PRICK!**" the moment became only a fleeting one as the cracking new voice startled the young man out of his trance, enough to make his arms tremble and let a whole glassful of water spill onto the gasping Fourth Captain. The unconscious man had jolted awake, screaming profanities at the said 'Akon' and scaring the crap out of the other three in the room – though Retsu was quickly cured of her fright when the cold water that cascaded down her face silenced her.

Mayuri's pupils dilated after a moment of stunned silence that allowed him enough time to find peace of mind. He looked up at the frozen face of some stranger wearing glasses, then to Unohana dressed in her Captain's Uniform who sat with lips pursed and drenched hair shrouding her eyes, and then looked up again to find yet another Unohana, albeit rather dry and with flowing locks though garbed in that ugly Sunday dress she wore to Yoruichi's dinner (if that's what you'd call it).

Yup, nothing made sense.

The drier of the two Retsus coughed nervously, her voice annoyingly thinner than it usually was and a single brow cocked in confusion. The Twelfth Shinigami narrowed his eyes, the wet Retsu spraying the water that had gotten into her mouth and lifting herself to her feet. And between the two stood a recently legal teen, seething like there was a volcano inside his chest ready to erupt. All the while, everything and nothing made sense and given the genius mind of the Scientist, he worked out the most plausible explanation for all that was happening.

"This is one hell of a sick nightmare," Kurotsuchi murmured to himself, grimacing.

"You!" the dark-haired youth exclaimed, teeth clenched and his pale skin turning a deep red. It left the Scientist puzzled but he thought better than to take the situation seriously. This was a dream, after all. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

Mayuri snorted, slightly appalled why anyone would ever think he would come to this shithole called Karakura Town out of his own accord. Unless something rather interesting was to be found but the probability of that happening was highly outsourced. Maybe the next millennium would produce something worthwhile for study.

"Ask her," he replied, pointing his thumb in the direction of dry-Unohana then to wet-Unohana and then alternating between the two for a brief moment before sighing in defeat and telling the young one to ask the real one.

"Who are _you_ anyway?" Kurotsuchi demanded, missing the sudden fire that flickered behind Uryu's eyes. "But if I can hear your name then it is certainly part of my memory. The only difference is in accessing that information but… I just can't seem to remember right now…"

"Ishida Uryu!" came the heated response. "And this isn't some godforsaken dream!"

"Ah…!" Kurotsuchi sighed as realization dawned upon him. "But I still can't remember. Did I assign you a number?"

"Goddamn you…!" the Quincy would have exacted his revenge upon the oblivious Shinigami right there hadn't the Fourth Captain placed a firm yet comforting hand upon the human's shoulder.

"It's getting late, Ishida," Unohana interjected before Uryu had the chance to turn Kurotsuchi's ass into a pile of ash. Grasping his shoulders, she quickly turned him around and proceeded to push him out of the door, much to Ishida's bewilderment. She didn't stop until he had made it past the front door and stood upon the porch, whipping around with a confused expression on his face. "Really appreciate all the help!"

She never saw the poor Quincy open his mouth to ask her a question before she slammed the door in his face, allowing her the opportunity to return to the scene in the den. As she entered, she saw herself – well, her gigai to be exact – performing a strange little jig. Takeshi/Unohana then did the jazz hands with Mayuri looking on in dumbstruck silence, only to later cry out in agony as he covered his eyes with his shaking palms.

"My eyes!" Mayuri screamed. "They BURN!"

Retsu wore a lopsided smile, shaking her head as she approached the man and pried his hands off his face.

"Drama Queen," she called his bluff and the Twelfth Captain immediately stopped screaming, scoffing in his own trademark way when he knew his joke had been caught. The woman though still hadn't realized that she was still holding him by the wrists, too busy observing the scientist's features she was rather blessed to be seeing for the first time. Or rather ironically, she had been looking at his face the entire time; ever since the beginning of their vacation. "Captain Kurotsuchi, you're quite the looker without your mask."

"Mask?" he demanded, puzzled. "What mask?"

"The mask you wear…?" she prompted, feeling slightly mistaken when even her fellow Shinigami didn't know what he was talking about.

"I'm not wearing a…" he trailed off when a very crucial thought surfaced and he looked down, finding himself to be garbed in his shihakusho and Captain's haori, though his lower half still wore a pair of grey pants. He was not wearing his gigai anymore, ala he was not wearing his usual stylistic face-paint, ala Unohana just saw what he really looked like, ala this was not good. And the worst part of the whole story? His legs were still snug inside the faux body and it didn't take one too long to assume that Mayuri was having buttsex with himself.

"Hold on!" Takeshi/Unohana exclaimed, skipping out the den and heading for the stairs. "Don't move, I'll be back with the camera!" his voice floated from above.

Seething, the Twelfth Captain barely lifted himself from the seat, fists clenching before his anger suddenly subsided and he settled for miserable defeat. The gesture came off as being odd to Retsu and she lifted a curious brow.

"Kill me…" she heard him murmur under his breath.

* * *

A flash of yellow caught his eye and Kyoraku immediately backtracked, crouching down next to his bed so he could scoop up the fluffy pair of slippers that were otherwise partially shrouded by a discarded shirt. He scratched the back of his head, unable to determine why these were in his room in the first place. He didn't remember ever buying them nor did he find them already present in the house when he and his posse arrived. Then who did they belong to? Shrugging, he set them down and slipped his feet into them. They were really comfy, he had to admit, but a bit too small.

He padded out his room, across the hall, down the stairs and into the kitchen where most of his colleagues were already present. Kuchiki and Unohana tended to the stove while Ukitake and Komamura occupied two seats at the table. He settled down, a big smile on his face that made his old friend slightly suspicious of what was on his mind.

"You look awful happy today…" Jushiro pointed out as he looked up from the rim of the teacup he sipped from, taking notice of the disgruntled looking Kurotsuchi who stumbled in wearing an exhausted scowl on his face. It was the strangest thing seeing how perfectly Shunsui and Mayuri contrasted that morning, with one man beaming so brightly that his eyes sparkled like he was staring at the sun and the other who looked like he just rose from a coffin. The said less preppy Shinigami trudged over to the counter and took control of the coffee maker.

The Eighth Captain nodded in response to the other's words, flashing his teeth at Unohana in gratitude when she set his plate down for him.

"No hangover," he said, Mayuri setting down beside him with brewed coffee in hand, the latter reaching out for the sugar and putting in spoonful upon spoonful of sugar into his mug. After pouring in the seventh batch, the blue-haired Shinigami put the mug to his lips and took a mouthful before pulling it away in disgust. He proceeded to add another five.

"You drank like a horse," Sajin commented referring to the dinner last night that inevitably had boiled down to a drinking game which Kyoraku obviously won. Ukitake chuckled, patting the hound on his shoulder.

"That wasn't even half of what he needs to get drunk," the sickly man provided an explanation. Soi Fon had also entered the kitchen and promptly received her breakfast that came right off the stove, the smaller woman offering a thank you.

"Yeah," Shunsui nodded. "And that means I've got enough energy to take a morning walk. You guys up for it?"

They all shook their heads in response though it did nothing to deter the man. He shrugged, digging in to his meal.

* * *

He looked at the list of groceries Retsu had handed him prior to leaving the house. She told him to get them along the way when he would make the trip back home, a string of instructions on what brand to get and in what quantities penned down on the paper when she realized he did not get a single word she just said. It would have taken him a total of forty-five minutes to finish his stroll but with this added responsibility – and given his inexperience at doing "girl-stuff" – he ruled it would add another hour to the clock. He had cut his jog short since he realized he'd have to walk anyway while he would shop and so he had headed straight for Akihabara.

"Can I help you with that, sir?" a young boy perhaps as old as Kurosaki offered as the older man exited the building. Kyoraku gave the kid a weird stare. Sure it was a lot of stuff but it wasn't as if he couldn't carry it all the way back home by himself. He was in great condition, even with the gigai Mayuri had made for him and frankly, a few bags of groceries were an easy weight. But the lazy idiot in him thought otherwise, quickly assuming control of his mind and giving in to the boy's kind gesture.

He handed the kid a few bags with a smile, the youth's eyes glimmering as a tear rolled down his cheek. Weird, the older one thought to himself but willed his suspicions away when he reviewed the prospects of getting free labour. But only halfway through the journey back home, Kyoraku couldn't ignore the fact that the boy was struggling with the weight.

"Having trouble there?" he asked to which the boy immediately responded with a "No". The Shinigami shrugged. If the kid was okay with it then it didn't concern him. Coming upon his residence, Shunsui rang the doorbell Kurotsuchi had fixed the other day.

"I'll take it from here," he said as the gate's latch flipped open and Soi Fon greeted the two. She collected the bags from the youth though to him she didn't seem like she found them heavy. Shunsui squinted when the teen saluted him, albeit the tears in his eyes returning. Without another word said, the strange kid turned on his heels and walked away, leaving the Eighth Captain confused.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the long update. I hit Writer's Block (again) and literally forced myself to write this chapter. This one especially runs low on funny, though I promise to make up for it with some sexy in the next chapter. Stay tuned.

Lots of thanks to **Rawr McMuffins**, **Zmijajuri**, **Cael and Taiyo**, **samara28**, **Laerkstrein**, **Guest**, **Mayuri Kurotsuchi** (I figured you'd have me castrated for writing this) and **spottedmask77** for taking the time to review. I really appreciate it.

Just to answer a few questions;

**Rawr McMuffins**: Yes.

**Guest**: Yes.

**spottedmask77**: Not yet but I guess now you know how one chapter goes…


	13. Out to Shore

**Chapter Thirteen: Out to Shore**

_A couple of hours earlier…_

When Mayuri greeted the floor that morning, it did him the favour of pulling him out of yet another strange dream. Although his nose didn't exactly break this time, given his seemingly frequent meetings with the ground, it still hurt. He pulled himself up, massaging the back of his head rather absentmindedly as he wondered what in the hell had he dreamt of: a guy swinging a dog-sized blue whale behind a kitchen counter. The Captain didn't know why that particular image had scared the bajeezus out of him, but it did anyway and significantly so that he toppled out of bed.

He looked towards his left where his roommate still lay buried in the covers, his soft snores indicators that Mayuri's latest episode hadn't jolted Toshiro awake. The older man grimaced, knowing full well if these instances continued the way they did, he would eventually stir the Tenth Captain from his sleep and the embarrassment that would entail afterwards (not to mention gossip that Kurotsuchi suffers from night terrors) wasn't something he would be looking forward to.

Sighing, he pulled himself to his feet and, grabbing the clothes that lay on the very top of his luggage, trudged out his room. The smell of overcooked eggs wafted into the air and the faint chatter of save few of his colleagues fell upon his ears. His early morning scowl only deepened when he realized he slept in late, well… later than usual. A quick shower and change of clothes later, the Twelfth Captain came out wearing the same frown he did when he walked into the bathroom.

Today just did not feel like a good day. Yesterday's bizarre meeting coupled with Rin's unpleasant recount of Akon's dickery, his gigai's malfunction and the subsequent awkwardness that followed had left the scientist lacking in the energy required to overcome the obstacles that today would most likely throw his way. 'Today' though was the twenty-eighth as he counted while descending the stairs, which meant only eight more days of this grueling torture before he would be allowed to return to the comfort of his barracks. Jushiro saw him come in but the scientist did not return the gaze. Instead he sauntered over to the counter and claimed the coffee-maker; he knew he would need this stuff.

Silently rejecting the breakfast Kuchiki pushed his way, Mayuri quietly settled down in the unoccupied chair beside Kyoraku and poured in the necessary amounts of sugar within his mug before setting it to his lips. He pulled it away, blanching at the lack of sweetness before adding extra spoonfuls.

Last night had really not been good.

Mayuri and Unohana had promptly gotten into a rather soft spoken argument about what exactly had caused the former a heart-attack, so to speak. It wasn't exactly a stroke; the shock had momentarily disconnected him from the gigai and when he finally returned to his senses, albeit a little traumatized, the reconnection suffered a hiccup. He may have regained control of his arms and legs and such but certain organs, like his heart, did not start up. In essence, his gigai had a heart attack, not him per se.

He did not know how he lost the argument. He had no clue. Usually he always would know considering he was a very calculating man, but last night he couldn't manage a sweeping victory. He could attribute his poor performance to the emotional buildup – he couldn't strangle the annoying Takeshi/Unohana and he was still flaring at the blissfully unaware Akon who was doing unspeakable things with his Lieutenant in a whole different dimension.

"He was _going out_ with Nemu, Rin said those were his exact words," Kurotsuchi had punctuated, snatching the camera from Takeshi/Unohana's hands and pressing a tiny button without even looking at the device, the action successfully erasing the entire video the hijacked gigai had spent minutes filming. Neither Takeshi/Unohana nor not the real Retsu had any idea how difficult it was for the scientist to refrain from smashing the device on the floor.

He lost the argument anyway and in the end the victor had to rub salt in his wounds by pointing at his exposed face and giggling how silly she was to have seen Kurotsuchi's true self the entire time but just didn't notice how well his patterned face-paint – not a mask as he confirmed it – disguised his features. This was where the awkward in last night comes in, because the Twelfth Captain flushed like a school girl when her panties would be exposed. He felt naked. More naked than anything involving Mameha ever made him feel.

"D-d-don't tell anyone!" he had squeaked and stammered at the same time. Though back then the very concept of Unohana blurting out the truth to everyone had frightened him beyond all comprehension, when Mayuri thought of that incident as he sipped away his coffee he couldn't help but grimace at how much of a pansy he was that particular moment. Retsu had to stifle the big "D'aww!" that threatened to escape but she did make do by telling him how she had to resist the urge to pinch his cheeks. She was joking, he knew it, but it was a cruel joke and it left the scientist gaping in complete and utter mortification. She saw the devastation on his face and that perhaps had been enough to elicit some form of kindness from her – she knew she was only traumatizing him more than need be done and promised him she would never tell.

"Coffee without breakfast isn't exactly a healthy choice, Captain," her voice jolted him from his train of thoughts, the startled Shinigami only barely keeping his cup from spilling the content all over his crotch.

"Don't do that!" Kurostsuchi warned the giggling Retsu, slightly disgruntled but not angry. Fear did not exactly translate into fury; a bit of annoyance, though, that was sure.

"If you are not too busy, may I ask you a favour?" she asked after she had stopped tormenting him with her laughter. It was Karma working in that godforsaken cycle again – usually he was the one laughing sadistically at another's misery and it wasn't fun either to get a taste of his own medicine. He would've declined but given the fact that she was currently the keeper of one of his most thinly veiled secrets he decided better not to take any chances. She didn't seem like the woman to blackmail him though – the malice that would otherwise have been present from the others' eyes did not exist in hers. Maybe she didn't think it was such a big deal?

Nonetheless, Mayuri made a mental note to smash his head into a wall when he would return. His crime? Being a lazy ass when he could have picked any other look for his gigai.

"There's something wrong with the faucets maybe? We can't get any hot water," Retsu explained without any prompt from Mayuri whether he would do it not. He didn't want to, but knew he had to unless he could worm his way around this.

"You can call a plumber you know," he stated matter-of-factly.

"They said they'd send one by evening and I don't want to wait that long for a nice, long, hot bath."

And if he would say "The one upstairs is free" he was certain she would disapprove. He sighed in defeat, knowing that he shouldn't have opted to fix the doorbell himself. It planted an idea in her head, an idea that Kurotsuchi would do all the repair work for free and do a great job of it since he was rather adept at these things. He did think for a moment that if he would do such a terrible job she wouldn't ask of his help ever again. But then again, this was _the_ Mayuri Kurotsuchi in question here and him not being able to figure out how a bunch of pipes would go would be a blatant lie.

He gulped down the last of his coffee and got up.

* * *

He didn't have a bag to carry all his tools and the ones lying about in some nooks in the house, so he had to carry them all in his arms. There was very little risk of one slipping out from his hold and crushing his toes; he was very adept at safely transporting a wide variety of junk in his hands, all from experience gained when he was younger than he was now and didn't have to bother with precautions when in the middle of a crucial experiment. The difference between then and now however was that he loved the work he did for his own benefit, not some silly little project that Retsu dumped on his head.

As he thudded down the stair and was about to make way for the ladies' bedoom, a monkey-wrench became loose and began its descent, getting the Shinigami in the right foot. He dropped the remaining tools, slightly luckier that they all missed his feet, and yelped as he took his injured member and began hopping around on one leg. Soi Fon and Unohana who stood at the door to their room raised a brow each.

_Ding Dong!_

Retsu placed a palm on the Second Captain's shoulder, an indication that she would see their 'guest' at the door. Kurosuchi hobbled over to the room, muttering an insult perhaps meant for himself as he passed by Soi Fon, his arsenal noisily jingling in the cradle of his arms.

"Fine day to let your privates feel a bit of sand, ain't it?" Yoruichi clicked her tongue as Retsu opened the door, though not surprised but neither exactly expecting that the former Second Division Captain would greet her clad in a purple string-bikini. The gesture was more than obvious but somehow the idea didn't register in the Doctor's mind. A long moment of silence passed between the two with Unohana's eyes fixed upon the woman's face and a pale smile upon her lips.

"Why are you naked…?" she finally admitted, her question sounding more like a depressed statement but only earning a simple 'tch' from the Shihouin as she pushed past her and sauntered in, tossing a blue bag that she had slung over her shoulder onto the couch. Shunsui, Komamura, Kuchiki, Hitsugaya, Zaraki and Ukitake all occupied the den, their gazes locked upon the bright images on the television. They were watching some sort of cartoon – the Little Shiro must have gotten them all hooked on the godawful show. Yoruichi should know. Every male residing in Urahara shop was also a devoted watcher of the same show, courtesy of Jinta.

She walked up to the blaring screen, putting her slender legs and waist between them and the cartoon. They collectively leaned out of their seats to catch a clearer view of the television, provoking a dismayed sigh from the cat-lady. Rolling her eyes, she whipped around and pulled the plug out of the socket, the idiot-box turning a pitch black much to the disappointment of its audience. Retsu followed the woman in though she chose to stand by the entrance.

"Oh I didn't notice those before…" Kyoraku said as his eyes finally discovered the scantily clad woman and her special _assets _appearing _magically _right before them, the group no longer in the cruel trance of that cartoon. Unohana lightly smacked him upside the head, a gesture meant for him to recall his manners that always disseminated into thin air every time he opened his mouth in front of a pretty lady. He whispered a "Sorry…" and simultaneously winked at Komamura who, clueless as he was, offered a blank look.

"Plenty of more to see at the beach," she offered without taking any insult at all, gliding towards her bag and unzipping it to reveal an array of colorful clothing which she plucked out and tossed into the air. The livery graced the laps of Sajin and Byakuya – and Shunsui's face – the party's eyes fixed upon their latest presents. They held a couple of them up in the air, examining the Shihouin's choice of colour and design. "I picked them up along the way since I figured you miserable bunch wouldn't have brought along any. I guessed the sizes though, so you gotta work with what you got."

"You can figure out sizes even if you haven't seen us in the nude?" Kyoraku questioned, slightly skeptical but rather impressed by the woman's exceptional talent should it be true. She nodded and it brought a smile so pure to the bearded Shinigami's face as if he was 5 years old again and Yamato had finally given in to his incessant pleading for another bar of chocolate.

"It's not as surprising as you take it," she answered, grinning at Unohana as her eyes turned towards the Fourth Captain. "Right, Unohana-taicho?"

"So long as you stop talking, Yoruichi," Retsu laughed nervously, doing a poor job of willing away the blush in her cheeks. Sometimes even she felt exhausted with the way the cat-lady would blurt things meant to be kept to herself. The said dark-skinned woman handed her a small clump of bright-green cloth, when unwound by the Doctor turned out to be the tiniest bikini she had ever seen. She opened her mouth to protest (she wanted to but was too dumbfounded by the atrocity of the swimwear that she could only manage a brief "Uh…") but Yoruichi held up a hand in dismissal.

"This was the only one in green," the Former Captain lied. "Green works for you!" she lied again.

She opened her mouth once more but was cut short.

"And Soi Fon? Hiyosu? I don't see them anywhere!"

Mayuri bopped his head on the cupboard's frame when he jumped at the sudden cry of the Shihouin echoing throughout the hallways of the house. He pulled his head out from the enclosed space, gently rubbing the sore spot as he turned around to find a partially naked Yoruichi claiming his only exit. He blinked, confused, just as the Second Division Captain who stood glaring at the former Shinigami with a blank face. His hand shot out and grabbed the nearest tool at hand, holding it up like a sword when in fact a filer wasn't going to do much in the case the physically stronger lady would drag him into a small, dark room.

"You guys'll have to put your plans on hold for today," she announced, pulling Soi Fon close and patting her shoulder like the Shihouin expected her to play a fine part in her grand schemes. "Next stop, the beach!"

"I am _not_ going anywhere!" Kurotsuchi exclaimed, the metallic tool dropping to the floor with a musical 'clink', both an appalled and angry expression gracing his already sour face. It hadn't taken him a moment to hesitate when the word "beach" left the woman's mouth, though he did understand he felt more insulted than he needed to be. He did not want to go, not to the beach of all places. Hell, if he had the choice between going there and walking naked around all of Seireitei covered in margarine, he would happily make a trip to the grocery store.

He didn't have any reason to justify w_hy_ he didn't want to go to the beach. He just didn't. The very thought of a little surf, sand and sun triggered off all the imaginary alarm bells in his funny little head – and Kurotsuchi was one man who had learned to rely on his gut feeling. His stand, however brave and rock-steady as it was, began to lose its momentum when he noticed the look on Yoruichi's face never changed. Instead, it grew a shade more… 'evil' is the word?

Kurotsuchi gulped.

He did not like the beach.

* * *

"I _love _the beach!"

Kyoraku pulled at the hem of his spandex-like trunks, a quick _snap_ following as he let go and stinging pain spread around the left side of his waist. His muscles tensed and despite the smarting he managed to smile, offering a thumbs-up as indication that the article of clothing passed the test. Whatever the hell kind of test, it be best if left to the imagination.

"Totally worth it…" he squeaked through clenched teeth.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes at him and decided to back away slowly. He managed two meters before he figured it safe to turn his back on Shunsui and return to their supposed "spot". The ladies as well as Hitsugaya accompanied by his trusty camcorder and Komamura all lay within the safe refuge of the shade provided by three large umbrellas Yoruichi had brought along. He approached Sajin who squatted on the soft sand like a dog on guard – it took a wave of the finger and a stern "No!" from the nobleman before the Seventh Captain, though frowning, assumed a more human position. Finally no longer the source of any embarrassment, the handsome Shinigami sat down on an unoccupied mat, fanning himself lazily.

Seeing as it was near the end of March, when temperatures would begin to climb throughout Japan, and they indeed were under the blaring hot sun, they expected it to be a hot day. But Byakuya had no idea it would be _this_ hot. Hardly minutes had gone by and the women were already treating themselves to ice cream and ice cold cola straight from the ice-box. The Sixth Captain frowned as he flipped the cap off his bottle and took a large gulp from it.

Kurotsuchi came by, grumbling under his breath as always, trunks held up with a hand to keep them from slipping off. Kuchiki couldn't blame him for having an off mood today. Well, more off than usual. Everything the Shihouin had brought for the guys was nearly twice Mayuri's size and the smallest thing he could salvage still had to be carried in order to avoid a catastrophe involving unwarranted exposure. Byakuya had to suppress the smile that threatened to beam on his face when he pictured the scientist wading around with his legs protruding from under a black trash-bag he held up over his waist.

"You're the only one complaining," Yoruichi remarked and Mayuri hissed in response.

It wasn't all that true actually; the Twelfth Captain wasn't the only one suffering here. Soi Fon made do with a polka-dotted piece with a cartoonish chicken printed on the front and a pink frill sown around the waist. Her small height and extraordinarily featureless build had forced her former Captain to shop through the kiddy section before she made herself invited at their home. Soi Fon didn't say a word the moment the hideous garb had been slapped into her hands for fear of causing disrespect to her idol, but now having arrived at the beach and watching a few curious eyes look her way, she regretted never speaking up.

And sadly still, those interested gazes were never meant for her, but rather the taller woman who accompanied her, wearing scraps of green cloth for an excuse for a bikini. Anyone would have believed it to be the heat that caused her face to glow red like that but Kuchiki knew better. The poor woman's shoulders were in constant peak – she dare not get up from her place for fear that any sudden movement would cause a certain thread to snap or her assets spilling out owing to lack of support.

Byakuya realized he should better be thankful, to who or what he didn't care, but just knew he had to be grateful. At least he wasn't suffering like those three.

"**BALL!**" Sajin exclaimed, causing the Sixth Captain to jump. His sudden shout startled the others as well, with Unohana's hands promptly reaching for her breasts in false belief that she going to be exposed. Komamura kicked up dirt and sand as he barreled away on all fours towards a distant group of humans engaged in a healthy match of volleyball. At least until it lasted though. The group of mortals dispersed in shock and confusion as the Shinigami plucked the ball right out of the air with his teeth, Hitsugaya capturing every priceless expression with the video-camera.

He trotted back happily, releasing the spit covered ball at Byakuya's feet. The latter turned his gaze towards the former owners of the ball; the group, although slightly pissed, giving Sajin weird looks. He sighed, covering his sweat-coated face with his dusty palm as Kyoraku finally returned from his shenanigins near the shore.

"We're doing a slam-dunk, anybody wants to volunteer?" the Eighth Captain asked, his eyes searching amongst his colleagues but lingering on Yoruichi for a hopeful moment. By slam-dunk, Kyoraku here was referring to a very childish pastime he and his consort loved to delve in everytime they were around deep waters. The said pastime involved grabbing some poor sucker and launching him off into the air, the audience bearing witness to the spectacle that would be the great dunk. Since they hardly ever stepped out into the world of the living, Shunsui and usually Zaraki and Jushiro would make do with the hot-springs reserved for the Captains when they were in the mood to have some fun.

Their victims had always been Hirako, Urahara, Aikawa and Aizen and afterwards included the likes of Gin when three from the previous lot had been eliminated. But Gin was an occasional target. They had better fun with chucking the screaming and spitting Sosuke into boiling hot water until he too was cut loose.

Huh… no wonder he turned out to be evil.

However, the point remained that ever since Aizen's massive "Fuck you" to the Soul Society and the King, the Eighth Captain and his special comrades never had the leisure of doing slam-dunks. Here and now, though, was an exception and although Unohana would normally had told him off for such things, she decided it was a long while since the boys had their mindless fun. It wasn't something she was happy about, but at least she wouldn't be ruining their fun while they had it.

"I thought dragging people against their will was the whole point," Mayuri said, shielding his eyes from the sun. The heat was rather counterproductive when the scientist was already hot-headed as it were, making him the worst victim of the sun's blistering glory. Shunsui paused for a moment, tapping his chin thoughtfully as he recalled the rules of a slam-dunk, or lack thereof, before turning back to the sea and gesturing Kenpachi and Jushiro from afar. The pair halted their delicate work of constructing a sandcastle, despite the fact that they couldn't get far from a mound of dirt with small twigs stuck into it, and regrouped with the rest of their colleagues.

The Eighth Captain stuck his thumb in Mayuri's direction, the scientist taking a step back as Zaraki and Ukitake silently approached him.

"What-" the blue-haired man barely managed before the two latched onto his arms like he was to be summoned to the guillotine and dragged him away.

"You're next," Shunsui announced to a wide-eyed Byakuya, Kurotsuchi's frightened pleas punctuating the otherwise cheerful noises that occupied the thick air of the beach. The Sixth Captain gulped, contemplating fleeing across the beach, hopping into the nearest taxi and driving off to home base.

"And if you think you're gonna run off…" Yoruichi added, as if somehow she had read his thoughts. "Just let me remind you that I'll hunt you down easy…"

Meanwhile, the Twelfth Captain was allowed the pleasure to be carried like a sack of potatoes down the shore and into the cool waters, a few folks quite annoyed by his desperate shouts for help. Soi Fon and Unohana both curled their lips into disapproving frowns, each of their own magnitude. Okay, sure. It may be a little too mean to ban this game of theirs now at such a convenient time and place, but really, how immature could the boys get anyway? By that standard, Toshiro had more class than his older counterparts who made the wise choice of not involving himself in such silly things. But he _did_ get up to get a better shot of the whole scene.

"NO, WAIT! STOP!" Kurotsuchi protested, but in vain as the two Shinigami quickly took him further out into the water and precariously began swinging him by his arms and legs, back and forth. "I CAN'T SWIM!"

The rhythm of the sways became more fierce and callous with every movement. If the water wasn't going to kill Mayuri, then the embarrassment procured by losing his lunch surely would do the job. Before long the hapless Shinigami had lost the strength to scream so he, instead, closed his eyes shut, waiting when he would finally be thrown to his demise.

"Lift off!" he heard Kenpachi declare and then felt such a sickening weightlessness that it nearly caused him to pass out. He was fortunate that as a Shinigami he was used to defying the laws of gravity, but in this fickle gigai there were some bugs that still needed to be weeded out. After what seemed like a lifetime in the air, the scientist finally felt water reach his skin and then suddenly engulf his form.

"Sunk like a stone..." Jushiro commented, wearing a grin that mirrored Kenpachi's.

"TEN POINTS!" the two heard Kyoraku call from the distance. Having finally done their little bit, the pair turned around to join their remaining comrades, ignorant of Unohana's obvious worry. Were they just going to _leave_ him there like that? She and everyone else had clearly heard him scream that he couldn't swim and adding the fact that his head didn't immediately pop out of the water, she would likely presume issuing a very heavy report to Yamamoto regarding the untimely demise of a fellow Captain while on vacation.

"What if he drowns?" she demanded, finding it hard to sit still.

"Relax, Unohana-san," Ukitake reassured her, his face glowing a colour so healthy that it gave the false illusion that the sickly Shinigami had gotten a tan. Given his usually pale colour, Jushiro would normally suffer from sunburns rather than getting a natural tan while under the sun, meaning that the warm tone of his skin was an indicator of healthier times. He was having a great time and his disease wasn't going to ruin it for him; although this fact would have cheered up Unohana any day, she realized she was witnessing the colour return to Jushiro at the cost of having to look at the pale face of a dead Kurotsuchi.

"The water is only several feet deep where we threw him. See? There he is," Jushiro announced lifting a finger out towards the sea.

They shouldn't have looked at him. If they were all really sure that Kurotsuchi was going to step out of the water and onto the beach, unharmed, then they had no reason to even bother to look. Because that was one situation that, although was completely coincidental, would have serious repercussions.

For life.

Or afterlife… Death… whatever.

For when everyone had turned to set their gaze upon the Twelfth Captain they found it very hard to tear their eyes away from him. Perhaps the ones that remained unaffected were Komamura, undoubtedly because he was a hound, not human and Hitsugaya, who was too young and untainted to discern between adult only material and E for Everyone. Somehow, it explains why Matsumoto Rangiku was in his division. Had she been assigned to any other… well let's just say everyone would have found it hard to concentrate on their work. In Soi Fon's case, she would have developed a serious inferiority complex, the word 'inferior' perfectly describing the situation. And Unohana would just not do with such a lazy Lieutenant.

Oh, and speaking of ungodly figures...

"Oh… wow…" the Second Captain sighed, almost breathless. Just looking at Mayuri for more than five seconds was extremely exhausting. Most of the Shinigami sat gaping, their jaws hanging like they weren't hinged on in the first place.

What emerged from the water was not the Kurotsuchi they were used to; that disruptive, finicky Shinigami that wore death-metal make-up as a result of psychosis coupled with his BDD. It was probably the same Mayuri, just hidden behind an exterior of unholy amounts of untamed sexiness. Nobody knew that water could work like that, for the glare of the sun that shone off of his wet skin made every curve and muscle of his gigai look insanely defined.

And even his trunks weren't merciful. Yet again the piece of swimwear threatened to slip off of him, the danger being more prevalent as the water had added more weight. The Shinigami lot held their breath as the left side of the Twelfth Captain's waist was revealed to them. They saw him slip a thumb in and with half the effort, pull it slowly back up, too exhausted from having been thrown into the water. Either he really was so tired that his movements had become this sluggish or everything just seemed to be playing in slow motion for his colleagues.

Unohana gasped as she saw Kurotsuchi lift a hand and pull back his wet hair, not realizing that her ice-cream had melted and slipped into Kuchiki's lap. It didn't matter though because the nobleman was too transfixed on the scene before him as well. It was as if this one sight had shut the whole world out of everyone's senses, the only thing that was capable of hearing being the sound of the waves, crashing onto the shore like some clichéd Bay Watch movie (sans the saxophone, although that was playing in Soi Fon's head). And all they could see was some Greek god lift himself out of water, totally unaware of the massive sex-appeal endowed upon him by the alcoholic writing this sad story.

TOO BAD THIS ISN'T FAN ART, FUCKERS!

And then Mayuri planked the shore.

The wide eyes that were once transfixed upon his chiseled form now narrowed in confusion and abrupt awkwardness, minds locked in the struggle to figure out what just transpired a few moments ago. But seeing as they could not arrive at a discernible conclusion, they made do with just staring at the fallen-god lazily scrambling out of the shore. Time neither flitted by nor dragged along as they all silently reveled in the disturbing thought that Mayuri – that same Mayuri who thought the Mohawk was the best thing since sliced bread – was hot.

Talk about confused.

"Well that was rather anti-climatic," Byakuya remarked, breaking the awkward tension.

"What?" Kyoraku demanded from the nobleman, slightly taken aback by the nature of the comment, the entire lot oblivious to the fact that the scientist was still flailing in the tides crying for help.

"I'm stuck!" they finally heard the blue-haired Shinigami call out. Indeed, during the entire time his colleagues spent being useless and boring holes into his face with their gaze (he didn't know they weren't looking at his face) he hadn't made it even an inch back to the drier parts of the beach. In fact he managed to slip down a little further back into the water, some kind of rope grappling on to his ankles. Komamura was the first at his side, followed by the remaining males with the exception of Byakuya and Toshiro, the Seventh Captain gripping onto Kurotsuchi's arms and pulling him ashore.

Something definitely had snagged on to the scientist that threatened to drag him down the depths of the water when the group realized Sajin was having trouble doing his job. The guys grabbed on to the hound's gigai and pulled Kurotsuchi out from the waters, realizing that the fisherman's net that had wound around his leg had also caught something else during its adventures in the bottom of the sea.

"Holy crap, a dead girl!" Shunsui cried out, taking a step back and pointing at the corpse like it was cursed. Get this: a Shinigami who has fought Hollows, Arrancars and everything in between was shocked to see a dead body dragged along to shore. Ukitake scratched his head in confusion as all eyes, even Kurotsuchi's, turned towards their latest find.

"With a fishtail…?" the silver-haired Captain asked rather unsurely and everyone fell silent a second time that day, gazing at the dead mermaid.

Except, until she moved that is, effectively startling the group to the extent that Zaraki instinctively stomped on her head. The crunching sound of her skull was muffled by the crashing of waves, the chatter of folk and the screams of frightened Shinigami as Kenpachi did not relent his assault until the poor creature's head had been pulverized three inches into the earth. They stopped hollering, the Eleventh Captain cautiously removing his heel from the red mush that filled the tiny ditch so that Kurotsuchi was allowed enough room to poke the thing's shoulder.

No response.

"Oh great going, Kenpachi!" Shunsui shot at the larger man. "You killed it!"

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A/N: I was in the mood for an update to this story; hope this one turned out better than the last one. And many thanks to **samara28**, **spottedmask77**, **Ethyrin** **Kairos** and **Snivillus-Lives-28** for reviewing, I appreciate the support.


	14. A Little Too Hot

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that's not mine.

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**Chapter Fourteen: A Little Too Hot**

"Are you _sure_ it's dead?" demanded Ukitake as he bent down to catch a better view, placing his hands on his knees for support. Although he dearly wished that somehow, through some miracle, the thing was still alive but seeing little fleshy chunks bob upon the surface of the pooling blood left little hope. He sighed heavily as an answer to his own question; he suddenly didn't feel so swell anymore. Kenpachi dipped his toe into the red puddle but pulled it out in a moment, declaring that he definitely felt the mermaid's brains in there.

"What do we do?" Sajin prompted, scratching away the imaginary itch on his ear with his foot and then shaking his head to free his hair of the beach's sand. They were all silent for a while, Kyoraku lightly kicking its arm and the rest simply staring on in contemplation. And then, without a doubt, Shunsui was to be hit with a stroke of genius.

"Well, I always wanted to see if mermaid tits get raisin-y," the Eighth Captain declared, burying his foot under the corpse's shoulder and lifting it over so that it rolled over to its side. They weren't met with a pleasant sight, the group of Shinigami crying out in disgust and shielding their faces from the absolute sickening horror that lay before their eyes.

"It's a dude!" Kenpachi almost gagged, feeling rather unclean for staring at an effeminate merman's nipples in hopes of him being a girl. And he hated himself even more so when he realized that even if it was female, it wasn't going to override the fact that it was part fish – in the end, it was like looking at furry porn. And it wasn't without a doubt that Shunsui was feeling the same way since he was the one who suggested ogling at the creature's (lacking) breasts.

"I hate it when that happens…" the bearded Shinigami muttered in both disappointment and loathing. "NO! BAD KOMAMURA! NO EATING THE DEAD FISH-MAN!"

Unfortunately, the group had to stop their nonsensical banter when Kurotsuchi pointed out to them all that Toshiro was approaching armed with his trusty camcorder. At once the slightly panicking Shinigami hunched down, scooping up sand in their hands to cover the corpse and managed just enough to barely hide the thing. Their hands pulled back and they all wore nonchalant expressions when the Tenth Captain finally arrived, raising a sceptical brow. The men offered no response, looking off into differing directions but not one turned his gaze toward the hidden carcass.

But their façade did not last as long as they had hoped when a tide came in and swept away a good layer of sand from the body, revealing the shoulders and wisps of hair drenched in the surfacing blood. Little Shiro tapped his foot on the soft shore, silently demanding an explanation when their folly had been unveiled.

"Please don't tell anyone," Kenpachi barely whispered and was met with an exasperated sigh from the younger Shinigami. Hitsugaya shook his head in a mixture of disbelief and disappointment of his older colleagues' reckless behaviour but decided not to mention a word of it – it wasn't like mermaids were people anyway. The boy simply walked away, allowing the men the luxury to heave a sigh of relief.

"Well, he took it well," Shunsui noted as a slight smile formed on his lips. The good-feeling stemming from his success was unfortunately only temporary when he turned back to inspect their find. Except it wasn't there. Everyone else had been too busy trying to look nonchalant for the sake of throwing off Hitsugaya (to no avail) that they hadn't noticed that the corpse had been dragged back to waters by a certain Shinigami. "KOMAMURA, NO! BAD CAPTAIN!"

Sajin, unaware that the merman was still tangled in the fisherman's net as was his colleague, did not hear the protests of Kurotsuchi. How could he anyway? Mayuri barely managed a "Hold it!" before he promptly sank to the bottom, his words assuming the form of bubbles breaking upon the water's surface. Kenpachi broke into laughter and Ukitake fell unconscious due to the blaring heat of the sun, his white tresses being dyed a fresh red within the puddle of the sea-creature's blood. Shunsui on the other hand attempted to stop Komamura from swimming out further offshore, wading through the water and yelling at the top of his lungs.

In the distance, their antics appeared to be some form of good-natured fun to the ladies and Byakuya. Besides, Hitsugaya offered no insight on anything that would be out of the ordinary despite the expectant gazes of the women who lay hidden beneath the shade of their umbrellas. He shrugged, as if that simple action alone answered all their queries and given the boy's adeptness at the trade, the females went back to minding their own business after deeming the lack of response adequate.

The Tenth Captain though risked a glance at the guys, noticing the usually breezy Shunsui flailing his arms at Captain Sajin who carried a large fishtail in his mouth as he paddled out into the waters; Zaraki's legs kicking at the air as he rolled in the sand, laughing. The human half of the creature though remained submerged in the waters so it would appear to any nosy bystanders that Komamura was guiding a dolphin away from the shore.

Although Captain Ukitake appeared uncharacteristically stiff as he joined the Eleventh Captain in his humorous tirade. Whatever the problem, Toshiro couldn't care any less. Those guys were constantly involved in all sorts of crazy shit that involved close encounters with death.

Or was it life?

Somebody help me here.

"Well, been a long time since I've seen you around Karakura," came a female voice which did not belong to any Shinigami he knew but decided was eerily familiar. Turning toward the source of the sound, the youth was met with a pair of slender legs which hoisted a torso and that in turn housed a rather recognisable face. Behind the confident stance of the young woman was another similar girl, her posture the complete opposite of her twin's. Although they had grown, there was no mistaking they were the Kurosaki girls he had seen around four years ago. "Figured you'd hit puberty already."

"Hello!" Yuzu, greeted him cheerfully. Both girls hovered a good twelve inches above Hitsugaya, kicking his complex into overdrive though the youth did an amazing job of keeping it from showing. But, as he had learnt from Matsumoto, women had the crazy yet innate ability to recognize even the most subdued of emotions. Karin's grin widened as Yuzu offered in compensation a brief story of how her father worried for his then 13-and-a-half year old son when his voice did not crack just as Isshin's did when he was that age. The shadow that fell upon the Tenth Captain's face despite standing beneath the full brightness of the sun was clear indication that he wasn't enjoying the little tale. Yuzu carried on regardless.

"Weren't you just stopping by to say hello?" Hitsugaya demanded from Karin, mercifully cutting off the fawn-haired twin's tirade. Needless to say, Unohana-taicho did not consider this a respectable way to behave in front of a lady.

"Captain Hitsugaya, how rude," the pleasant woman scolded in her gentle voice as she walked up beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. A strange chill suddenly ripped through his spine and it caused him to shudder. He looked up at the smiling woman out of his own accord and for some unknown reason found that dread had gripped him. How and why the Fourth Captain possessed such an aura while maintaining such a tender attitude was beyond him. He pursed his lips and silently nodded like a puppet.

"Very rude," Karin agreed although retaining her sarcastic tone, deliberately rubbing the hypothetical salt in the young man's hypothetical wounds. "And speaking of being rude, one of your friends had snatched our ball during a match!"

"With his teeth," Yuzu added.

"Mid-air," Karin expanded.

"And on all fours," the cheerier twin concluded.

"You mean this ball?" Yoruichi's voice piped up and all eyes averted to the scantily clad Royalty, a spit-covered ball in her hands that she promptly dropped into Karin's hands. The dark-haired Kurosaki grimaced as she held the item to better scrutinise it, the thick coating of saliva lazily dripping to the earth. Hitsugaya, although remained silent, felt a smile creep up on his face, amused how theShihouin didn't seem fazed by the fact that her own hands were covered in spit. But that may have been so, Toshiro guessed, because she probably indulged in covering very inappropriate stuff in dribble while in her cat form. And in that instant, the smile that was on his lips disintegrated.

"Gee…" she grumbled, oblivious to the gagging Hitsugaya. "Thanks…"

A distant yet muffled cry echoed from the waters, heard only by Toshiro who turned to see his colleagues being terrorized by massive tentacles that emerged from the churning waves. The young Captain opened his mouth to call the others to attention but held back at the last second, contemplating what would be the wisest choice. In a record 3 seconds, he decided it was better to keep mum and so he averted his attention back to the disgusted Karin.

A loud thud was soon heard a mere three meters away from the group and Mayuri came skidding along the sand, coming to a stop right into the circle of Shinigami and mortals looking visibly annoyed. The scientist blinked and never uttered a single word as everyone stared at him and the severed tentacle that was wound around his neck in confused silence. Another scream, this time it got louder and louder as Shunsui approached them and landed on his back. The impact catapulted him on to his belly and he tumbled up and over his head, rolling in the sand before he lost momentum and wound up under the shade of the umbrella, flat on his back.

"Nice to see you here…" he addressed the dark-haired twin, managing a weak smile that was quickly wiped out when his head fell back into the sand in a daze. The remaining men made their entry with less gusto: Kenpachi strolled along with an unconscious Jushiro thrown over his shoulder like a rag, and Komamura padded along on his hands and feet.

Mayuri tugged at the spliced tendon that gripped his throat, the suction-cups releasing his sore skin with loud pops and leaving circular bruises around his neck. He tossed it away and then covered his face with his pruned fingers, groaning. Shunsui bolted upright when Zaraki dropped his comatose friend on top of him, the sudden jolt and the pain from having a grown man tossed onto his belly pulling him out of his daze.

The abuse also managed to awaken a very weary and very groggy Ukitake, who rolled over to his side and tried pulling out a fish's skeleton that was entangled in his hair. He had little success.

"What in the King's name were you people up to…?" Soi Fon demanded, mercifully breaking the unspoken vow of silence amongst the group.

"GIANT OCT-" Sajin had started but was cut short when Mayuri put his hand over his slobbering mouth to keep him from blurting out more information than need be.

"Windsurfing," the scientist provided the slightly less satisfactory answer, his stone expression suddenly turning into one of disgust when he pulled back his hand and found it dripping with the Seventh Captain's saliva.

"_Extreme_ windsurfing," Kyoraku added as if that explained everything, rubbing the sides of his head in attempt to ward off the dizziness. They were lucky that the women had little to no knowledge of the recreational activities common in the Living World, mainly because Soi Fon and Unohana's experience regarding the pastimes their male counterparts divulged had them utterly convinced that 'fun' for the guys meant wrestling, arguing and/or rolling around in mud; quite unsightly and uncivilised. It was the same reason why Kuchiki also displayed no interest. Any "sport" involving him ruining his hair and acting like a complete moron while at it was a no-no. Hitsugaya perhaps was the only one with enough mind to understand what had actually happened, but the youth wisely did not care for their antics.

"You kinda look like that person in one of Big Brother's video games," Yuzu pointed out, tilting her head as she scrutinized the bearded man with the mullet. Although Karin had the displeasure of meeting part of the gang at her house that one night, she did notice how eerily similar the drunk one and that video game character looked with that hairstyle.

"Yeah…" the dark-haired sibling agreed, finding the coincidence all the more likely with each passing second. "And sound like him too."

"Something always 'gets in his eyes' when Big Brother plays that game," the other twin told Shunsui who merely arched a brow while still maintaining an awkward smile. Of course he had no idea what they were talking about.

"Okay… creepy…" murmured the Eighth Captain a little too loud, earning him a smack on the shoulder from Unohana.

Before Karin had the chance to retort, Sajin noticed his precious ball in the girl's hands and barked in whichever way a human would bark, leaping up and sinking his teeth into the thing before making off. Again. The group looked on at the deranged hound, his frame growing smaller against the backdrop of the crowded beach as he scurried off, leaving nothing but air and another helpful of saliva in Kurosaki's hands.

"What a moron," Yoruichi stated, shielding her eyes from the sun although she already wore a pair of shades.

"He must really like volleyball," Yuzu giggled. "Ooh, I have an idea! How about you guys join us for a game?"

Everyone looked on in bewilderment at the young girl's random suggestion, silent as ever. All except for Mayuri who had sat up to pry a harmless jellyfish that had latched on to his ankle and wouldn't let go. He took a hold of an opened beer bottle, half full of the beverage and poured it onto the creature. The jellyfish lazily unwound itself from the Twelfth Captain's foot and wobbled its way to the shore.

"Them?" Retsu demanded, a little perplexed why two young girls, who rightly looked as if they were endowed with fully functional brains, would ask a bunch of strange and obviously dodgy old men to join in a sport with them? Yuzu nodded in response, completely oblivious to the worried tone of the Fourth Captain.

"Actually, there's a volleyball tournament sponsored by this slushie company over there and we wanted to sign up," she related, smiling as sweetly as she ever did. "We haven't gotten down to making a team yet but us two and our group were practising when one of your friends kinda ran away with our ball."

"On all fours," Yoruichi helpfully added.

"Uh-huh. So, we were thinking if you'd guys were on our team, we'd definitely up our chances of winning."

Karin nodded in agreement, contemplating her sister's idea and warming up to it. She had her eyes transfixed upon Kenpachi and made a mental note of his height as well as the strength he displayed when he carried an unconscious man without any effort. "We need a tall bunch like you."

Then, as an afterthought, she turned toward Toshiro and flashed him a cruel grin.

"Shorty can come too and watch," she said, the young Captain's face turning a bright red. She averted her attention back to the ragtag group of grown (in some context) men who simply looked on, slightly confused at the proposal. But it didn't take long anyway. When you have a pair of teenage girls asking you to join in a healthy match of volleyball, why would anyone refuse? Besides, there might be other girls they'd have the pleasure of playing with – frankly, the ball wasn't going to be the only thing bouncing.

Kyoraku rushed over to Unohana and clasped her hands in his, jumping up and down like an excited child. His energy was astounding, as if he had never been attacked and nearly violated by a giant octopus kaiju in the first place.

"Can we, Unohana-san? Can we? Pleeeaaase?" he begged as the woman struggled but gave in eventually when Yuzu made it known that the prizes involved – besides a trophy – an all-you-can-eat courtesy of the Froozy Slush Co (TM). The Eighth Captain proceeded to do a fist pump.

"But…" Ukitake had started but his words had faded when he decided to give up freeing his hair from the fishy carcass. In fact, his fingers had become so severely tangled in his own locks that he was sure he'd be stuck like that for as long as it took for someone to clip his hair off. He huffed in annoyance, his arms drooping but not exactly returning to his sides as they remained suspended in the air. The Sixth Captain reached over and lightly pulled at a lock of Jushiro's hair. In the next instant, his hands and the fish's skeleton came loose, his tresses smoothing out with a distinct sheen to them as a bonus.

Jushiro gave the younger Captain a bewildered look. Byakuya simply shrugged in response.

"But you'll have to catch Komamura first…" Yoruichi interjected with a lazy yawn. Kyoraku raised a quizzical brow at which the woman helpfully pointed in the hound's direction. "Or he'll get you folks kicked out before you even register…"

The group could make out the Seventh Captain locked in a tug-o-war with a group of mortals. A line of about fourteen people had each formed a massive human chain while on the opposing end was Sajin, the ball held tightly in his jaws as pulled away with his hands and feet. Zaraki released an exasperated sigh and took off, the others following shortly behind. It took a while for the Kurosaki sister's to register with reality (despite being as unbelievable as it seemed) before they too decided to run after them, leaving only Kurotsuchi behind who was busy prying a crab off his ear.

"**You will pay for the murder of Prince Devarrak, Heir to the Atlaniss throne**," the crab declared in a voice so menacing, it's impossible to describe. Mayuri scoffed at the crustacean and then launched it into the air. He had very little time to bask in the satisfaction gained from hearing the last of the crab's echoing cries before he felt the warmth of a familiar set of mammaries ease around his neck. The scientist glowered.

"Never had this much fun on the beach before," the Shihouin purred, her arms wrapping around the neck of the man who for some reason thought that the best way to make her lose interest in her prey was to keep as still as was possible.

"You spent the entire day snoozing," _Hiyosu_ retorted as the were-cat settled her chin in the nook of his neck.

"My kind of fun," she replied. "I'm in the mood for some ice-cream… want some?"

He wasn't sure whether 'ice-cream' here was some kind of metaphor, but either way he assumed she was talking about the confection. He suddenly beamed to the Shihouin's mild surprise as if promise of the sweet dessert had pumped new life into his veins.

"Ice-cream?" he demanded, giddy like a school girl. "I sure would! I'll go get it!"

He eased out of the stunned woman's already loosening grip and stood up.

"You want anything?" he asked at which Yoruichi cocked an eyebrow, pleasantly surprised at the Shinigami's cheery behavior.

"Yeah," she said. "Maybe some strawb-"

She abruptly halted her words when the man quietly whipped around, thrust his hand into the cooler at Byakuya's side, fished out a cold beer and then marched off into the distance, leaving Yoruichi gaping while Kuchiki's muffled laughter rang through the dire silence. A hand fell upon her shoulder and the woman looked up at Unohana who adorned a pitiful smile on her face.

"I'll get you some," she offered before turning around to leave, Soi Fon also lifting herself to her feet to accompany the older Shinigami. Yoruichi, presumably still in shock, averted her gaze toward the Sixth Captain who offered nothing but the site of him biting down on his lip to keep himself from bursting out loud.

* * *

"Extra cone?" Byakuya commented as Unohana handed him his helpful of the cold, soothing confection. Mango and vanilla; his favourite. But he had been eyeing the solitary sphere of vanilla that sat melting in the crunchy wrap held in the Fourth Captain's left hand. Retsu always preferred chocolate, the one code her colleagues knew she always stood by, come rain or sleet. There would be two possibilities why she wasn't happily munching away on a triple-scoop tower: one, she wasn't feeling that hungry or two, she already had her filling.

Soi Fon shook her head to answer his question.

"For Captain Kurotsuchi," she explained, craning her neck to scout the beach for a mop of bright blue hair. She had no such luck. "He didn't come around, did he?"

This time, it was Byakuya's turn to shake his head.

"He went…" he offered turning a little and pointing toward the west. "… waaaaaay over there."

"I'll find him," Retsu waved at Soi Fon in a dismissive manner when she offered to deliver his cone to him. She promptly understood why: Mayuri's anger had begun soaring like the heat since the moment he came to the beach and by now, considering how he completely rebuffed Yoruichi the way he did, he probably had reached critical levels. In such a situation, Unohana was the one of the rare few who could stand unharmed by the flames the scientist would spew. In that respect, the Doctor was doing this for the sake of Soi Fon's safety and not purely out of courtesy.

The Second Captain was silent as she watched her colleague head off in hopes of quelling the raging beast. She could only slightly envy the older woman's bravery but decided not to dwell in it too long when her scoops of strawberry and chocolate had already began melting.

* * *

"Okay," a lean yet built teenage boy called out to Kenpachi as he passed him the ball. "Your service."

They saw the ball lift up into the sky and keep going until it disappeared among the clouds. The mortals watched in both awe and shock as the ball became a part of the sky, regaining composure minutes after the service and turned their eyes upon the massive Shinigami-in-disguise. They stood gaping at the beast even as he snapped his fingers in annoyance.

"Piss throw," he griped. "Sun was in my eyes."

"No excuses!" Ukitake declared with a sly grin.

Toshiro leaned away from his camcorder and lightly waved it in the Eleventh Captain's general direction, a silent warning that the boy had recorded every second of his embarrassing performance.

"Come on," Shunsui sighed, patting the brute on the back, his voice laced with a slight hint of disappointment. "Let's go get it."

* * *

"**You have been charged with the murder of Prince Devarrak, Heir to the Atlaniss throne.**"

Kurotsuchi lifted a confused brow, observing in great astonishment how much this new one differed in contrast to the effeminate corpse they had stumbled upon. The merman was heavily built and shoulder-pads made of massive seashells constituted the armour, leaving his chest and abdomen fairly exposed despite the Twelfth Captain's doubts that it would do the Sea Hulk any good. The creature also wore a very impressive silver-grey beard that would give Yamamoto a run for his money,

Mayuri answered with nothing but bare silence as he stared on at Sea Hulk, bewildered. So to say, his lack of response kind of made Sea Hulk uneasy and insecure about his ability to threaten criminals he had to take into custody at the orders of the Emperor. But this one… oh this one was something else. A magician, a tactician of sorts who had so easily set the merman on edge with a mere gaze. There could have been no other reason how and why this land creature and his criminal partners were able to fend off against the Kraken.

"Seriously?" Mayuri questioned the obviously confused creature who was helplessly lost in gauging the annoyance in his voice. "Is the whole world out to get me?"

"**You**-" the Twelfth Captain cut him off before he had the chance.

"Don't you have anything batter to do other than torturing me with your insufferable presence?! I came here for ten minutes – TEN MINUTES of some peace and quiet and something as useless as you had to stumble along and ruin it! By the King, I would have welcomed it if it was a specimen I haven't already studied but why should I be allowed that fortune? Instead I get _this_ talking waste of flesh trudging along…" and he went off on another one of his infamous tirades, unaware how Sea Hulk grew smaller and smaller as the scientist yelled obscenities that would have made even a hardened veteran of the Eleventh Division blush. It didn't take too long before Sea Hulk slowly descended into the water, leaving the victor screaming his lungs out at the collection of boulders and rocks scattered along that portion of the beach.

"Where'd you go?" he breathed albeit a little exhausted when he calmed down just enough to notice the lack of audience, prompting him to scratch his head in mild puzzlement. For most others, the fact that he already had his vicious outburst meant that he was fresh out of rage-juice, leaving him a little grumpy at best. Retsu had no idea how lucky she was to have missed the whole ordeal only moments ago as she tread along the boulders in cumbersome fashion, avoiding any sudden movements that would result in a much unwanted wardrobe malfunction.

"Captain!" Unohana whistled gleefully as she cautiously approached Kurotsuchi and held out an ice-cream cone for him. He turned his head to meet the owner of the voice and then immediately took a glance at the confection, the corners of his lips drooping into one of the many annoyed frowns he wore. He didn't like eating ice-cream under the blaring sun; in the comforts of his home, sure, but out here with the sun's heat bombarding him like there was no tomorrow, the thing would melt before it would reach his tongue. He scrutinized the gob of white that slowly dribbled outside the cone's brim, making the scientist grimace.

Mayuri opened his mouth to reject the offering but his words fell short when he caught glimpse of something round descending from the sky and heading straight for the pair at the speed of the wind. He barely lifted his finger to point at what appeared to be a volleyball before gravity finished its work and it hit its target: Retsu Unohana.

A loud "_BOP" _fell upon his ears before Unohana lurched forward and slammed right into the Twelfth Captain, smearing the ice-cream she had previously held in her hand all over him and herself. The ball leisurely rolled away from the distraught pair, Retsu gasping in pain and shock as she tried to gather herself from a stiff Kurotsuchi's chest. The scientist cried out in annoyance, hardly managing to push her away before she – against all logic – yelped and then pressed herself against him. Mayuri's face contorted into an expression of complete bewilderment.

"Before you do anything, Captain Kurotsuchi, please hear what I have to say…" she whispered urgently, stopping Mayuri midway into grasping her shoulders and wrenching her off him. He paused, appalled but kept silent, allowing her the luxury to explain herself.

He didn't hope to stay in that position for long. With the knowledge that the more physically strong of his colleagues were off just a ways from the group's initial spot playing volleyball and judging from the astounding vertical distance that ball had just covered before it struck the back of Unohana's head, he realized he had little time before one or more of the guys would come wandering in search of their ball and find him like this. That would easily put an abrupt and embarrassing end to his career as the Twelfth Captain of the Thirteen Court Guards. And worst of all, he could feel Retsu's ice-cream covered breasts squeezing against him as she sucked in her breath.

"I… can't exactly move…" the Fourth Captain professed cautiously, her evident lack of explanation annoying the scientist further than need be – he wanted nothing more than to get away from her before anyone remotely vital for the preservation of his reputation as a Shinigami Captain would reach him and never let him live this down. "Now, Captain… please don't react too harshly when I tell you this but…"

"But?" Kurotsuchi demanded impatiently when the woman trailed off.

"But… I think my… swimwear… slipped off a little."

Nope, not just any ice-cream covered boobies, but naked ice-cream covered boobies were currently squishing against him. The shock of the realisation sent his brain screaming in utter panic. His mind went into the same chaos that would engulf his labs when Yachiru would trip off all the alarms and release a highly unstable specimen from its confines. And just like all those times the Eleventh Lieutenant would bring complete and utter discord to his bureau, Mayuri would stand in the middle of it all having already resigned to his failure to design a security system that kept the Spawn of Satan out for good. He was helpless in the current situation much in the same way, his body automatically freezing up and his mind surrendering to an impending end to his career. But it had only been momentary before his brain began to slowly resume its functions and eventually command his body to distance himself from the threat as soon as possible.

"HELL NO!" he barked, barely moving away before the desperate Retsu released a small _"Eek!"_ once again and wrapped her arms around him to secure her position.

"No, no, no, no…!" she pleaded, her frightened eyes searching the remote area for any signs of intelligent life and thankfully finding none.

"NO WAY IN HELL AM I GONNA STAND AROUND AND…" he tried to argue.

"Stop moving, you're only making it slip down further than it…" she argued back and a long, mostly nonsensical exchange followed with neither understanding nor willing to understand what the other had to say as they kept squabbling just as the other opened his/her mouth. "… listen to me, just _listen_…!_"_

She said that last word louder than Kurotsuchi's rant and it managed to have its desired effect on the scientist: he pressed his lips shut and waited for an answer.

"If you give me a moment to pull it back up…" she said, looking up at him pleadingly and hoping that the scowl on his face wasn't any an indication that he would reject her idea. It took him a long while (which he realized as he contemplated her suggestion was the opposite of getting her off him) but he eventually agreed, much to her surprise. "Close your eyes."

"What?"

"I don't want you to see me…!" she explained in another harsh whisper (he didn't understand why she was whispering) and lifted her brows when Kurotsuchi mumbled a complaint under his breath. He pressed his eyes lids shut, knowing how awkward it was feeling his colleague fumble for her ill-fitting swimwear.

'What are you? A man or a mouse?' he questioned himself although he knew the answer to that question. And he was none. 'Stop acting like you're surprised. You've seen boobs before, hell those chest puppies that are rubbing up against you? Yeah? You made them. Bam!'

'ITS DIFFERENT WHEN IT'S AN EMPTY GIGAI AND WHEN UNOHANA'S INSIDE IT OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD-'

'Stop it! You're being ridiculous! You have to be gay if tits freak you out like that! Are you gay? Hell no! In fact, you like tits. Any self respecting straight guy loves a great-looking set of happy sacs! You love those pushmatatas and you aren't afraid of them. You get that? You. Love. Boobs. Repeat after me: I love boobies.'

'I love boobies.'

'I love boobies.'

'I love boobies.'

"I love boobies."

His eyes flew wide open and he slapped his palm onto his mouth after realizing he said that one out loud. His gaze slowly travelled south toward the only other person here in that isolated part of the beach with him. Unohana gave him a very questionable look – it was hard to tell whether it was disgust, shock or apprehension; probably a mixture of the three with a sprinkle of horror and a pinch of anger there. He knew what he had done.

"There's a funny explanation behind that one," he began, laughing nervously, but could not elaborate when Retsu's grim features made it clear that she had no desire to hear his excuse. "I should shut up now."

He clenched his teeth and covered his eyes with his palms, mentally cursing himself in several languages as he heard the woman whisper a very stingy "Pervert". He was lucky though, for not even a second later did she pace away from him, a satisfied smile on her lips as she looked down at the scraps of cloth that covered her once again. But Mayuri was none too happy and his displeasure had nothing to do with that embarrassing remark he had recently made Rather, it was the slightly pissed off merman that re-emerged from the waters behind the unsuspecting Unohana.

Sea Hulk was taken aback at the sudden appearance of the woman but did not voice his surprise. Instead, his eyes noticed the little knot at the female's hips that kept the bottom piece of her bikini in place. A smile formed underneath his luxurious beard, a smile Kurotsuchi had seen one too many times on Kyoraku's face. Mayuri slowly shook his head as the merman quietly reached out for the crucial little knot while Unohana remained unaware, too busy inspecting her swimwear for any faults.

Kurotsuchi closed his eyes, knowing too well how it was all going to end.

Unohana yelped and snapped her hand to her side to grab the string before the whole bottom fell off and became prey to the wind. Her sudden motion caused more stress that the thin straps of her bikini top could bear and the thread her right shoulder instantly broke. She made another wordless gasp and reached for the severed string with her left hand, leaving her with a mortified expression on her face. She stood crooked, helpless and confused while Kurotsuchi simply gazed despondently over her shoulder – he was contemplating suicide. Sea Hulk had already disappeared back into the depths of the water, probably to snicker with his crab friends like the pruned bastard he was before heading back to ogle at the suggestive posters of Aquaman in gracing the walls of his private quarters.

"Well?" she almost cried and Kurotsuchi's brows stitched together, his face showing no expression that he understood the urgency in her voice. She lowered her chin to better emphasise her point but the guy seemed helplessly lost. She nearly growled in exasperation.

"Help me out!" Retsu exclaimed, fighting the urge to bop him upside the head for being such a dense idiot. Finally realising the meaning behind her glares, the scientist nearly stumbled over as he gingerly approached the woman to tie the broken straps for her. Unohana gaped at his unbelievable his antics when he halted mid-step and averted his gaze to the far left. Here she was, literally hanging on to dear life by a mere thread and Kurotsuchi found _this_ to be the perfect time to take in the scenery? But her anger quickly dissipated and was replaced with absolute horror when she followed his line of sight and saw what – or more likely who had caught his attention now of all times.

Kyoraku and Zaraki approached them from not too far away.

"Okay, I know you'd be pretty angry with me after this," the Twelfth Captain turned to face her once again and hurriedly reasoned with the mortified woman. She was too frightened to let the obvious regret that hung in his voice register in her mind. "But I've counted the possibilities here and this is really the best one."

She could not even manage a small squeak before the scientist shoved her into the water.

* * *

A/N: So sorry for the horribly late update. I wasn't planning on shelving this but there were a lot of problems involved, the most recent one being the flu. The last thousand words might seem rushed because I was hoping to get this finished before I caused any more delays and because I wrote that bit with a runny nose and a raging headache.

To **Spottedmask77**, **Thiphus**, **Chiba Aina** and **Cookie-the-Rookie**: thank you so much for reviewing. And even more thanks to **Spottedmask77** for sending that lovely PM. You guys are great.


	15. The Golden Hero

Chapter Fifteen: The Golden Hero

He had caught movement within the periphery of his vision and instinctively turned his head in the direction of the activity, instantly freezing as horror gripped him. A pair of Shinigami approached him. And not just any two random Shinigami but the absolute worst people that he could possibly come across given the scientist's situation. Panic kicked his mind into over gear, processing the obstacles and their likely solutions with lightning speed. He glanced over at his other colleague who stood clutching the swimsuit that threatened to fall off, alarm and confusion gracing her features.

"Okay, I know you'd be pretty angry with me after this," he explained to her in hasty fashion, palms displayed in a gesture he hoped conveyed calm. He mentally grimaced, comprehending quite well that the 'solution' he arrived at would likely jeopardise Unohana's pact of silence regarding his identity in the long run, but to save face for the moment in the least it was all that he could possibly manage. For now he could only hope that the woman somehow come to understand why he took such a course of action. "But I've counted the choices here and this is really the best one."

He did not have the luxury to answer the questions he was certain she wanted to ask when she opened her mouth – he could not spare any more time than need be before Kenpachi and Kyoraku came close enough to notice the partially naked woman concealed by the boulders. The splash she made towered a good meter into the air before her head broke through the surface, allowing her to gulp for precious oxygen. She glared at him, appalled at his actions. She would have screamed if he hadn't motioned with his hand to hide before whipping around in Kenpachi and Shunsui's direction.

Fear of being discovered perhaps outweighed Retsu's soaring pride and she swallowed the words that barely rolled off her tongue. She submerged herself up to the shoulders and hugged the rocks along the edge, trying her best to keep as still as possible to avoid making any noise that might catch the attention of the approaching Shinigami and give away her presence. Making sure she was safely hidden, she hastily tied back the broken strap of her bikini and attempted to do the same for the bottom piece but, to her utter mortification, noticed that it was no longer there. She pressed her hands against her lips to keep herself from crying out in dread.

Her grey-blue eyes scoured the water that expanded out into the horizon and could find no sign of the small, triangular piece of cloth nonchalantly drifting away. She shuddered – frightened, cold and appalled, her throat too dry to even gulp anymore. What had she done to deserve this?

"Hey, did you see a – what the hell are you covered in?" she heard Kenpachi's voice thunder right above her head, complete with a hint of disgust.

"Uhh..." it was Mayuri, genuinely perplexed as to how to answer the question. Sure he could just say he got ice-cream all over himself but that truth would only make them curious. Where did he get that ice-cream? And why would a grown man like him not know how to put food into his mouth rather than spill it all over himself? He could always say it was sun-screen but he hadn't had a bottle in his hand as evidence. Then there was the third likely possibility... ugh, he was better off with his first option. "Ice-cream."

"All the way out here?" it was Kyoraku this time. "Come on, Mayuri, you know as well as everyone else that lewd conduct is illegal in the Living World too."

"Over there," the scientist's voice was firm and dangerous despite the snickers that came from the other two males. "If you two aren't out of my sight within five seconds, I'll switch your eyeballs with your testicles with a bottle cap. Don't question how – I can and I _will_ do it. And I guarantee you it'll be an agony like you have never experienced before."

She did not know whether he really was pissed off at the two's arrival or it was only a mere act to send them running with their tails between their legs, but she nonetheless arched her brow in surprise. It was the same acid, the same poison oozing from his grating voice that was his trademark and it momentarily erased the image of the vulnerable and confused old sap who blushed a bright red when she said he was a real cutie the night before. It had become too easy to forget that he was a callous man. Though the decorative paint was to disguise the form of a normal human being, his choice of appearance was nothing less an accurate portrait of how he was at heart.

And someone as inhuman as him could have ever been so indecent as to shove her into the water like that. In the confusion of it all she had released her hold on the bottoms and flailed her arms in the air. Had he only simply requested her to hide in the water, she would never have lost her swimwear! For the love of the King, how hard was it to just open his mouth and say "Hide"?!

Her frown deepened into an ugly scowl. This was _his_ fault! And while she was still protecting her decency by remaining submerged in the waters, there was nothing she could do about it!

"If you wanted some privacy, you could've just-" the Eighth Captain did not complete his sentence with words but rather frightened shouts that steadily grew fainter until she couldn't hear them anymore. They had obviously been chased away and she likely imagined the blue-haired Shinigami to have been wielding a rock as he lunged at them. Oh how she wished she could find one too so that she could send it right through his cranium, but her luck was just as bad as before. Unless she still retained her strength while in this _gigai_, she would've crushed him under a boulder.

Kurotsuchi seemed to understand her contempt quite well when he offered her nothing but a nervous glance. He did not dare speak another word so as to incite her wrath – it wasn't so much as fear for his life than fear for his reputation. If word got around that he looked like a really tanned Ziggy Stardust, all the fear and reverence he commanded would all disintegrate into nothing. So he kept his lips pursed, shrugging and splaying his palms in apology.

Retsu wasn't taking it. She glared daggers at him with eyes narrowed into slits, arms folded across her chest and an angry red streak spanning across the bridge of her nose.

"Uh... T-they're gone..." the scientist muttered after a long while had passed, the tension receding not a single merciful bit. And just as he had predicted, opening his mouth seemed to have riled her scorn even further. A sharp hiss escaped him where he lost the will to word out "Shit".

"_You!_" she started, loud even for her soft spoken voice but thankfully not as much as he expected her to be. Somehow that managed to make her less menacing than she actually was but Mayuri was still cautious to give her any more reason to wring his neck. "Couldn't you have just asked me to hide?!"

He wanted to say 'no'. He wasn't so crass as to completely overlook the most obvious course of action but the cons far outweighed the pros. Within the mere millisecond it took for him to sift through the possibilities, he knew how the whole situation would have turned out if he just told her to dive.

"Quick! Jump in the water!" he would have said.

"W-what? Why?" she would have stammered.

"Before they see you! Now hide!"

"W-where...?!"

And then she would've taken ages to carefully manoeuvre into the water without losing balance and injuring herself and letting go of her scanty bikini. But that was assuming she'd even have that chance before Kyoraku and Kenpachi would finally stumble upon them and accuse the scientist of molesting the Fourth Captain or something. Mayuri could not believe his misfortune. Rather than thank him for his quick thinking, she was deriding him for _pushing_ _her without_ _warning_. And worst still, he could not justify it lest he incite the tempest and seal his own doom. The one time he could win an argument against Unohana and there was no way she'd be hearing his side of the story.

"Sorry," he made it sound like a heartfelt apology when in truth he said it to simply quell her anger. He was never sorry and uttering the apology itself – no matter how artificial it was – left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. But even his convincing facade did not fool the woman. Either that or she was cold-hearted enough to shirk his request for forgiveness. Mayuri figured it was the latter. "But they're gone so you can come out now."

Kurotsuchi was terrible at reading subtle emotion and was therefore oblivious to the fact that her face was red for two separate reasons. He blinked in utter confusion when she made no move to climb up on the rocky shore.

"Trust me, they're far off."

Kurotsuchi squinted at her barely audible murmur; without his augmented hearing it was difficult to pick up low sounds in a _gigai_.

"What?"

"I... _can't_," if she could spit venom, Mayuri was sure she would have aimed for his eyes. "Because of your brilliant plan, I lost the bottoms!"

He didn't know what in the King's name was going on in his head but whatever it was certainly didn't find the woman's situation dire. A chortle rolled off his tongue out of his accord and he promptly pressed a hand against his mouth, the amusement quickly snuffed by the shock of what he had done. And worse enough, he couldn't tear his gaze away from the mortified expression on his colleague's face that quickly twisted into a grimace so harrowing it would have made his _bankai_ seem adorable in comparison.

People thought they had known Unohana's anger when they would feel contempt radiating off her despite the motherly smile on her lips, but they were highly fortunate to not have been the cause for absolute loathing. There was no creature in existence that had ever been so crass as to earn her eternal wrath – until now that is. And yet, despite the murderous intent wafting off her like untamed _reiatsu_, Mayuri was dense enough to worry more about her filing a sexual harassment report against him rather than his impending doom.

"I..." he started, his usually organised train of thought straining under panic. "I can fix this..."

"Wait here," he said, horrendously oblivious to the woman's fury. "There's got to be some stores around, I'll get you something."

He turned around, the very audacity of it all prompting Retsu into action.

"You're not going anywhere!" she cried, leaping out just enough to swipe at him. She latched onto his trunks and tugged at it with all her might, intent on pulling the man into the water and letting him drown – except she had totally forgotten that his trunks were a tad bit too big for him. Kurotsuchi yelped in surprise when he felt the wind hitting his bare ass, the trunks that now gathered around his ankles doing little to help him keep his balance. Unohana's almost choked on the gasp that escaped her, cheeks burning as she covered her eyes with her hands and turned away.

But the damage had been done: she had seen far too much without her ever wanting it. As a doctor, this much itself shouldn't have bothered her but she reminded herself that she was not at the Fourth's infirmary but at the beach. And Mayuri was not her patient but her colleague who was currently flailing his arms while in his birthday suit, desperately trying to maintain balance. It was clearly in vain and in the next moment she heard a loud splash, followed by a brief shower that drenched her back further than it already was and the sound of a man gulping for air.

She pulled her hands down only a little and cast a sidelong glance at the scientist. He looked like a frightened cat, clinging onto a boulder for dear life and glaring back at her with eyes as wide as saucers. And then something else had caught his attention and it seemed to drain the colour from his face. She turned her head and spotted a pair of red trunks riding on the waves and heading out into the unknown open. It was obvious who they belonged to.

Karma, payback, justice – there were many words that could describe the turn of events but either way, Unohana's heart was swelling in the purest of satisfaction. The embarrassment of being unintentionally mooned by Kurotsuchi was dead and buried, and the woman quickly removed her hands from her face, folding her arms across her chest with a smug grin plastered across her face.

"Grab them before they...!" she leaned back on a large rock, watching the garment grow tinier and tinier as it made for the horizon, a wordless yet painful whisper from Mayuri making it all the more worth it. "Th-... they..."

And they were gone.

Gone like their existence never mattered in the first place.

It was like a part of him had been mercilessly torn out of him and he couldn't even cry out in pain. A hole welled up inside him and ate his heart, leaving him only a shell of the man he used to be, golden eyes trained upon the empty horizon where he had last seen his trunks. He blinked, anger, pride, courage – every emotion that could make him feel alive – seeping out of the pores of his skin and leaving him null. It was as if it was his mind and body had accepted what fate had decided for the blue-haired Shinigami.

"Why did you let them get washed away?" he demanded, voice a pathetic little croak. The unknown void that had sucked the soul right out of him left an emptiness that begged to be filled. Somehow, for some reason beyond Mayuri's understanding, he felt like an answer to that question would bring purpose to him.

"Because you deserved it," was the reply and Kurotsuchi simply nodded, never tearing his gaze away from the horizon. The faint hum of people's voices and the rattle of waves churning as they struck land broke the silence that reigned between the two.

"How do you expect to get out of this situation now?" the man queried again.

There was another pause.

"I'll remove my gigai."

"Then why didn't you do that before yanking me down?"

This time the pause was permanent on Unohana's end as she struggled to come up with an adequate reply but could find none. For the first time in years she had lost. To Mayuri Kurotsuchi of all people and who didn't seem like he wasn't in his right mind for the moment (however right his mind usually was). The man had averted his gaze from the nothingness that lay beyond and trained them on his colleague, expecting an answer even he knew she didn't have. But Retsu wasn't one to flub in apparent defeat.

"You got me so mad, I couldn't think straight...!" her cheeks were puffed and a scarlet hue raced across her face when she understood that maybe – perhaps just this _teensy weensy_ bit – she dun goofed.

"So now we're both stuck like this," he plainly stated although it was more of a murmur.

The Fourth Captain had barely opened her mouth when her words were cut long before they could roll off her tongue.

"YOU STUPID OLD HAG!" Kurotsuchi roared like a mad tiger, the force of his voice causing her hair to billow behind her despite the weight they would hold when drenched. Her mouth formed a perfect little 'O', outrageously appalled at that man making assumptions about her age. 'Hag'? Did he call her '_HAG_'?!

"Talentless hack!" Unohana retorted, cranking up her voice the best she possibly could and even then it sounded like she was giving him a scolding. Her face had gone red like someone screwed on a large tomato onto a woman's body, though the reason was more embarrassment than anger; Retsu Unohana, of all people, had resorted to childish name calling to counter her colleague's onslaught. How could she have sunk so low? But no matter the humiliation such deprived tactics entailed, they sure hit Kurotsuchi real hard.

He was mad and easily qualified for the competition.

"SHEMALE!"

"Cockroach!"

"LAND WHALE!"

"Monkey-face!"

"SLUT!"

"Big-eared pervert!"

Mayuri did a double-take at that one, momentarily pulling back to put his hands over his ears to rest doubts that he surely didn't make his ears _that_ big. But if it had been pointed out to him, especially by one readily scouring for any physical defects in his appearance, then weren't they large anyway? He couldn't have known since he lopped off his actual ears so very long ago. She really got him and he wasn't going to forgive her for that. If that was the game she wanted to play, then he could just as well make a point about what was large about her. Women were sensitive regarding their weight and Unohana would be no exception.

The gigai he built were _exact_ replicas of their original hosts and thus retained distinct physical characteristics pertaining to each individual. Whose middle toe was longer that normal, whose nose was a bit too hooked, who fingers were stubby – he knew it all, and there was no denying she was embarrassed of how large her thighs were. If there was one thing Unohana was definitely mistaken about, it was that no one knew her body better than Kurotsuchi.

... Did he fucking think that just now?

He had forgotten how many times his face had gone red in the span of... what, fifteen minutes? Well, whatever the number, it was certainly an accomplishment if he was aiming for a record. Although he was relieved he hadn't said that out loud, given his massive blunder several minutes ago, he was nonetheless ashamed of himself for ever letting that moronic thought cross his mind. The Twelfth Captain crossed his arms across his chest, suddenly feeling colder than he remembered being and shuddered. He knew he had to back off before he said the wrong thing and make this situation even worse than it actually was (if that were possible) and so, casting his ego aside, pressed his lips shut.

It was a silent forfeit, even as he gave Unohana false hope that she had won because she had the upper hand. That smug grin of hers made him want to shove dirt in her face but unbelievable will kept him from acting on impulse. Yet he offered no apology, no sorry look her way to make it seem like her argument was justified. He instead settled for slinking away with a weird, embarrassed expression on his face until he hid himself behind some rock.

* * *

"Hey, Kurosaki," Tatsuki pronounced though her eyes did not meet her friend's. Ichigo had to momentarily break his gaze away from the rowdy group of teens on shore. The youth didn't have much of an affinity for the beach but that didn't mean he wouldn't go there at all costs. His trips were fairly few and far in between and neither did he plan on visiting one of the most crowded spots in Karakura today. This time though he was on a mission.

He never could trust the kind of people his sisters usually hung out with. They were just too wild, too unpredictable, too adventurous – even for the Substitute Shinigami whose escapades sounded like the Iliad compared to what they knew. Still, he was extremely suspicious of their gang's boy-girl ratio and neither could he completely rely on his sisters when they had entered the most rebellious period of their lives.

Sure he sounded a little too over-protective of his younger siblings, even to himself, he had recently convinced himself he could have absolutely no faith in Karin and Yuzu when he recognised the latest additions to the bunch.

He counted Kyoraku Shunsui, Hitsuagaya Toshiro, Kenpachi Zaraki, Ukitake Jushiro and some guy snarling at crabs, whom Ichigo likely presumed to be Kurotsuchi Mayuri.

He wasn't too wary of the two Shiros. He only had his guard up against the other three, especially Zaraki since he was sure the beastly man would start picking fights on a whim. Not that any one of his sisters' friends could hold their own against the Eleventh Captain, but what Ichigo feared the most was if Karin got into a scuffle.

She had taken up kendo and Muay Thai classes a couple of years ago and gotten scarily good at kicking people's asses – so good, even her older brother was convinced she could give Tatsuki a run for her money. If Kenpachi's somehow detected that fighter spirit in that creepy way of his in Ichigo's baby sister, the Substitute Shinigami had no idea how he would be able to salvage her remains.

"Lose a pair?" Tatsuki was grinning as she pulled out a drenched pair of red swimming trunks. She let it plop onto his surfboard, snickering at the awful luck of the poor bastard who lost these. The grim shadow over her friend's face dissipated as he chuckled since in a very long time.

Ever since those Shinigami had crossed over to the Living World on their pseudo vacation, Kurosaki seemed nothing short of restless. There was no doubt that both Inoue and Arisawa were rather surprised when he arranged for a trip to the beach out of the blue, but it was only when they got there that she realised it was so in order for him to keep tabs on his teenage sisters. Although she admired his care for his siblings, she couldn't help but feel disappointed that he still wasn't easing up as she and Inoue had hoped.

Seeing him burst into a smile, even if for a fleeting moment, was like a miracle and she was thankful for that.

"Don't go pointing fingers," Ichigo replied as he leaned across his board and scooped up another wayward piece of cloth: the bottom piece to a string bikini. Some unfortunate gal out there had the same problem as the guy who owned the red trunks. The longer they observed their findings, the more quickly realisation dawned upon them and it robbed the very humour they found in the situation. Quickly discarding the offending garments, they squealed in disgust as they paddled for dear life toward the shore.

* * *

Do dongs prune?

Mayuri didn't have a practical way of knowing since he couldn't leave while butt-naked and neither could he plunge into the water lest he wanted to drown. Enough time had passed for him to forget worrying about never being able to escape this nightmare and begin treating his condition like some experiment. Currently, he was preoccupied with the mystery his submerged dick presented and was rather surprised how, in the long years he had lived, the question never once popped up in his mind.

He didn't take long baths and neither did he indulge in the frivolities of a hot-springs vacation, as mundane activities such as these would cost him the time he could well spend on his life's work. But right now, the situation was forced, and he could never have imagined coming up with such an interesting hypothesis.

He could always feel to check but his fingers had already pruned and neither did he want Unohana to assume he was being lewd. He was out of her line of vision but he did not want to risk it – considering how swell his luck had been ever since the beginning of this damned vacation, he learned to expect the wrong things to happen at the wrong time.

Day nine of the trip would be a testament to that.

"Oi...!" he heard a voice too familiar for his liking and one that Kurotsuchi utterly despised. In his current state of wonderment (regarding his own hoo-hoo at that) he didn't expect a third presence to suddenly materialise out of nowhere and it scared the ever loving hell out of him. He screamed so loudly that he hurt his own ears and snapped his head up to see Urahara's head floating above him. The scientist screamed again but it smoothly transitioned into an annoyed groan.

"Urahara?" the woman uttered his name in disbelief and the former Twelfth Captain turned his gaze in the direction of the voice.

"Your readings appeared stationary for a long while, is everything alright?" the unkempt shopkeeper asked out of concern – unlike every other human dotting the beach, he was still dressed in his trademark _hakama_ and silly-looking hat. The fact alone lent credence to the theory that he had come here directly from his store and not for the purpose of leisure. If anything, this talk about 'readings' got Kurotsuchi extremely suspicious.

"I'm so relieved you're here!" Retsu sighed, unaware that Kisuke's presence was not out of coincidence and the Twelfth Captain was glad to cut the blonde-man off before he had the chance to open his mouth.

"What do you mean 'readings'? Are you tracking us?!" he accused, purposely ignoring the glares his female colleague was giving him. Urahara nodded without a shred of humility, as if keeping a watch on them without their consent wasn't a violation of their privacy at all. Even though it was rather hypocritical of Mayuri to think of it that way, he still wasn't too keen on being kept under surveillance unawares by _him_ of all people.

"Yup!" Mr. Hat and Cloggs exclaimed, snapping open a paper fan and coolly waving it before his mouth as he heaved a hearty laugh. "Anyone who took a sip of my _sake_ ingested the bio-mechanical bacteria I mixed in them as well!"

Mayuri grit his teeth – all this time he had suspected his Soul Pager to be bugged when in reality the bastard had gone and fooled everyone into letting him insert his darned creations right into their _gigai_'s system. It was certainly not a new trick and it annoyed the scientist to great extents that he fell for that one.

Luckily though their short exchange had been a revelation to Retsu, whose face turned a deathly pale now knowing that strange bacteria had infected her _gigai_. But she was quick to regain her composure, convincing herself there were more important things to care of, and said important things sadly involved Kisuke being alive and well for the moment. After all, if he hadn't secretly made them swallow his creepy invention he would never have had the chance to become their saviour.

"What _are_ you two doing here anyway?" the blonde questioned, ridiculously oblivious to the contemptuous aura emitted by his yet-to-be-revealed ex-subordinate. His words seemed to jolt the Fourth Captain out of some trance and she looked up at him pleadingly.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she explained just while her blue-haired colleague glowered, mumbling complaints under his breath. Kurotsuchi didn't seem to have gotten over with Kisuke's little party trick, and the Fourth Captain could only imagine how furious he would be for being indebted to the one man he despised above all others. Well, it was just punishment. After what he did to her, it only served him right to continue living with the shame of owing his reputation to Urahara. Unless he would reject the blonde's help, then he could spend the remainder of his life as an aquatic mammal for all she cared. "But I lost my bottoms... and Captain Kurotsuchi had the same misfortune..."

"Wait, Kurotsuchi?!" Kisuke exclaimed and Retsu's hand went flying toward her big mouth. She stiffened, biting down on her tongue to keep anything else from slipping and yet she knew that would do her no good. It was too late; the arrow had long been released and had already punctured the scientist's chest. Mayuri gaped at her, jaw slack and a look of betrayal plastered over his face. Even their supposed 'hero' didn't take the news lightly and was in a momentary daze as he tried to comprehend this information.

"Y-..." the store owner began, the stars clearing from his vision. "You're Kurotsuchi?!"

"I should've known!" he was crying out in childlike glee as he hunched down and took a hold of his former subordinate's face from behind. Mayuri yelped in both surprise and anguish as the man pinched and squeezed his cheeks, like old women do when they meet their grandchildren. "I thought I recognised that annoyed-looking scowl you only give to the people you want dead!"

"Let... me... go...!" the poor man managed as his face was being assaulted, eyes watering in pain. His cheeks stung too much to be able to appreciate the mercy his ex-Captain bestowed upon him. Tearing eyes though rendered his vision slightly blurry, there was no mistaking the smile Unohana was desperately trying to suppress. Heck, he could even catch muffled giggles over the shopkeepers' ramblings!

"I don't see why you didn't tell me that it was you," Urahara continued, acting as if Mayuri's suffering was completely non-existent. "You don't have to be embarrassed about taking a couple of days off from work. You keep at it and else you'll turn into a wizard. Or was it a leech... or a _kappa_...?"

"What is wrong with you?!" Mayuri exclaimed, both horrified and perplexed at how this man had ever been deemed a sane and functioning member of the Living World society. He heard a small chuckle and whipped his head in the direction of the voice, prompting a small squeak from Retsu as she held her breath again. His eyes narrowed into dangerous little slits, hoping somehow that if he glared at her with enough intensity he could cause her head to explode.

"Well, seems like I'll only inconvenience you two if I stick around for longer," Kisuke announced, standing erect again and stretching a little to work the cramps out of his calf muscles. It was apparent that not only did Kurotsuchi's words have no effect on the blonde man, but he didn't even hear his ex-subordinate's complaint in the first place. "I'll go and get you two something decent."

He angled his hat a little lower so that it cast an even greater shadow over his face – anyone who was acquainted with the guy well enough knew this was a quirk of his every time he was departing. Unfortunately, only Unohana had a glimpse of that gesture, and that only for a fleeting moment when she was still occupied by Kurotsuchi's hateful gaze pinning her down. For some reason she could not help but feel she had committed the more grievous crime.

She knew he wasn't planning on ever forgiving her.

* * *

A/N: I apologise if the humour seems even more juvenile than it previously was. And thanks a lot to **ImSeriousBro** and **Spottedmask77** for being kind enough to leave a review. Have a great day, guys!


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